I just found myself in front of your house.
I found myself ringing your bell.
I was taking a walk in the snow and the slush.
I was looking for roses to smell.
I hope you don't mind me just dropping by
I wanted to see for myself
If I could blend in with your black and white world
and how I would look on your shelf.
And there they all are, just like you said
pretty boxes all in a row
each containing a piece of your life
and sealed with a beautiful bow.
But the last one is empty, the lid not affixed
as if to be filled any minute.
I don't mean to disrupt your orderly world, but
don't expect me to get in it.
I live in a world where blue may be blue
until it decides to be green.
The warmth of the sun is a wonderful sound
and obscenity isn't obscene.
I can't live in place where up is up
and down will always be down.
Where left is left and right is right,
and all of the circles are round.
The lines in my life do not go up and down
the direction can't be explained
So even if I wanted to live in your box,
my spirit just won't be contained.
Author notes
still editing....
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Very clever explanation of two different approaches to life and art.
Enjoyed your write.
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To be honest. The first stanza throws me off a lot. It took me a while to see what you were trying to get across. I don't know, maybe that's just me. I often time catch little things and for some reason they distract me. However, you can totally disgard this comment if you wish.
The rest seems to be in place, and creates a nice flow. -
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Are you kidding? I love to get honest (yet constructive) comments, and trust me, it won't be disregarded! I welcome your comments anytime
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this is a wondeful piece. no need of editing more! it flowed very nice, and had a wonderful rhyme. it has just enough emotion to really set it off. wondeful. good work and keep writing!
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excellent piece i enjoyed the use of language very much adn describes the will to be free and not contained extremely well.
Hunter~
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you made my green blue a purple red
i really like this one as well also
something about me wants to say autistic spectrum, so i did
im gonna go someplace and think to much about this poem and relationships and censorship and order and freedom and stuff
thankyou x -
Moving
This is a very emotionally moving work and I particularly loved this part
I live in a world where blue may be blue
until it decides to be green.
The warmth of the sun is a wonderful sound
and obscenity isn't obscene.
Very nice indeed.
But the last one is empty, the lid not affixed
as if to be filled any minute.
I don't mean to disrupt your orderly world, but
don't expect me to get in it.
Something about this part just seems a little off to me...I might be way off and am by no means a master poet. As I read and re-read this that part just seems to stop my flow for some reason...still A WONDERFUL WRITE!!!
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Oh this is so beautiful, this is wonderfully written.
I woun't want to live in a box either, my spirit never wants to be contained in a box. It was a pleasure to read.
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hits a cord...cool, can't wait for the riff.
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I like this.
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I liked the first two stanzas the most. I guess I'm just a sucker for the concrete, and with the slush and snow and all that, well that's what got me going. I didn't enjoy the whole 'in the box' thing as much, maybe because it's pretty well-traveled territory. And that part was all more abstract, what with all the up down business. That whole stanza and into the first line of the next is maybe a bit much. Maybe you could vary the oppositions more. The synesthesia in stanza 5 was kind of cool. I mean synesthesia is pretty much always a good show, so maybe you could use some more of that. I think I've said maybe a lot. Oh well.
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Yeah. I remember being in a fairly strange mood when I wrote this, and I have this habit of writing something and immediately posting it, instead of sitting on it for a while first. I agree that this one needs some help (or just put out of its misery)!
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You asked for it, lol
This is just a few liberties I took - feel free to ignore them, lol
I just found myself in front of your house.
Found myself ringing your bell.
I was taking a walk in the snow and the slush.
Looking for roses to smell.
I hope you don't mind my dropping by
I wanted to see for myself
If I could blend in with your black and white world
and how I would look on your shelf.
And there they all are, like I knew they'd be
pretty boxes all in a row
each containing a piece of your life
and sealed with a beautiful bow.
But the last one is empty, the lid ajar
as if to be filled any minute.
Such a pretty little box
It's just too damn bad
You're never gonna get me in it
I live in a world where blue is red
until it decides to be green.
The sound of the sun it warms my head
and obscenity isn't obscene.
There's no life in a place where up is up
and down is always down there
Where day is bright and dark is night
All circles gather 'round in the stale air
The lines in my life have no set path
No pattern for your "style"
So even if I wanted to
Your box could never hold my smile
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Cool... Love it...
Great narrative, rhythm & flow with a buff little rhyme scheme within that enthralled throughout...
Keep up the good work...
Well penned, well versed, well done!!!
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Good, very good
Only a couple things I would change, but it mainly has to do with word choice / placement ( style )
Overall, very cool !
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Do Tell
I'd love your ideas on how you'd do it differently....
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Good write. I too am up there on a shelf somewhere neatly in a long row. I like the whole concept of this poem.
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Thanks
Much appreciated!
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This has a great rythm to it & rhymes well in places. It seems to have an up-tempo beat, yet the narrative seems to be explaining a problem to someone. This gives it an ironic feel, which I quite like.
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Where do you see the problems being? I'd love to be able to tweak it a bit, and would love your opinion.....
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I meant that the problem was the subject of the poem. The 'narrator' is complaining about a lot of stuff, predominantly that they don't want to live in a box or something. The poem is technically fine. It is good as it is, it wouldn't hurt to re-write it & make some of the flow irregularities a bit better though, if you really want homework LOL. I think it happens a lot when you start to write a poem that you get 2 or 3 verses perfect then the rest just don't rhyme or flow the same. Unless you're Milton or somebody, & even he couldn't keep it up for long periods. Maybe write an UN-rhyming version & compare them. It is a good poem as it is.
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