The Hidden Illness
I thought I loved him,
I thought he cared,
Now the lights are dim,
As I await what he shared.
It’s been 6 months now,
I’m going in for the test,
I can’t believe how,
That night became such a mess.
The doctor takes blood,
And tells me to go home,
“Everything will be okay, bud.”
He says,
But I can’t help feeling alone.
The results are in,
They’re finally here,
I confront my sin,
And shed a tear.
I knew I had it,
But it hurt all the more,
The pieces all fit,
I realized,
As I headed for the door.
I get my daily meds,
All 25 of them,
The pinks, blues, and reds,
“Lord, Amen.”
That night is clear,
He knew all along,
With that first beer,
When we danced to that song.
Now I have to pay,
My life forever changed,
Living day by day,
Visions of the future short range.
They tell me I can get better,
It’ll only take time,
It is December,
But there’s a battle still to climb.
You see the ribbons of red,
Supporting those with AIDS,
Don’t look away, instead,
Teach others, so this hidden illness finally
Fades.
A contest entry
- International World AIDS Day 2008 by lordoftherings.
9000 points, ended January 24, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Is this too sad?
Comments
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My initial comment is that I have been there twenty-five years ago and re-living that time period of waiting and knowing. The poem draws us into this drama with a poignant message at the end of what we can do today.
What I feel it lacks is the emotive drama of the situation. Danced to what song: Mine was Don't Cry for Me Argentina. On the surface of the poem I am empathetic towards the speaker of the poem, but I prefer more details of the moment. What kind of day was it: was it dreary to match the mood of the day or the opposite, sunny and cloudless playing irony into the situation? I feel there was more mphasis placed on rhyme here than on the actual choice of using free verse and letting go into a more dramatic situation where the emotions could flow easier.
I love your message at the end though I would draw it out and let it linger, so here we go if I may be so bold as to suggest:
You see the sea of ribbons red,
Supporting/memorilizing those with AIDS,
Don’t look away:
Teach others,
so this hidden illness
finally fades
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I liked this. Direct and to the point. No I don't think it's too sad. I think it directs attention to the topic, which is what was meant was it not?
Great write.
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You as well have penned a fantastic image and factual words to life. Your rhymning is not over done, Good luck in this contest and bye the way welcome to allpoetry. your poem sets a great presents. I love it...GETS
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