Clouds roll over
Making shades of brilliant colours
Turn quickly calm,
Immediately draining
The ambiance of summer.
Memories begin to rain
Deep inside my brain,
Restored; the ghost of her smile.
Two children playing on the river bank,
Riding push bikes back to the town
Because a sun-shower moistened their summer day.
But it was different then.
The rain bought happiness,
A feeling of freedom and freshness.
In this day it only brings shame, fear and sadness.
Today, like years ago, my bright sunny summer skies
Faded to monotones in the blink of an eye.
Her dad used to yell at us
For being in her mothers things.
But the feel of her clothes reminded us both
Of the image we never knew.
A young woman, enjoying summer, brimming with life.
And her daughter, now motherless, cuddles the dead woman’s belongings,
Because for us it bought her back, just for a second.
A snap of a breeze passes right through my body.
I know it's you, you told me you'd haunt me.
You tell me you're here, at our ancient cubby house
Now left abandoned, just a bit of rope remains.
Ten paces away I stay immobilised,
Fear of treading over your soul
But the wind pushes me forward.
A touch of the tree and I falter,
I see your face in the leaves and hear your laugh in the air.
And the smile on my face, it's the ghost of yours.
Strange; how life turns.
Today, I mourn the loss of you. The loss of me.
Yet heaven knows your heart is beating,
As the rain beats down on my shoulders.
But today is different from yesterday,
Today’s sun-shower, it has no sun.
Author notes
G irl With Guitar
Take what you want from it.
*Note. Her mother died. Her father was more than an asshole. Then she killed herself.
No pity party. She saved herself. You wouldn't understand.
A contest entry
- Titles # 2 by cirque du soleil.
525 points, ended February 20, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITE!!!!! by darkscorpia.
640 points, ended May 19, 131 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
Finalists Comment
Congratulations on making the finalists list. I am planning to close the contest on Thursday, May 21st. This is your graded comment.
Spelling, Grammar & Organisation: 13/15
I took off some points because I think it would be better organised with stanzas.
Written Expression: 18/20
Good
Poetic Devices: 9/10
Nice imagery
Creativity: 18/20
Original
Wow Factor: 10/10
Bonus Points- 2
Total: 95/100 -
I do understand. Very good job, finalists list.
-
DAMN!!
So many memories here. You brought tears to my eyes, so I'm not sure whether to praise you or curse you. Very well done.
-
-
I may have already responded to this, but I just read over it again. Whenever someone tells me that my writing has drawn any kind of emotion, it's a good thing for me. I mean, I don't go out to upset people but it just shows how strong my writing can be. Thank you for the read and, I'm just sorry if the memories brought up are negative but I've started moving on from this (which happened about 6 years ago) and so if I can move on, anyone can.
Cheers,
GwG.
-
-
AMAZING!!!
-
wow, this is so beautifully written. The emotions that come out of it are so powerful and haunting. I love the descriptions that you've used. They paint the perfect imagery. Amazing write.
-
Clouds roll over
Making shades of brilliant colours
i love those lines...and i love this poem...it vrings back a few memories of my own...I like your choice of title, by the way
this is kind of haunting, but gives you a feeling of sad acceptance if you know what I mean...or am I blabbering?
Anyways, thanks for entering! -
This is beautiful, dear... It's touching and powerful, and it really does symbolize the love that parent and child share
My only suggestion would be to double-check your grammar. Even one misplaced apostrophe can change the meaning of your entire poem. Case in point:
"Let's eat, Grandpa!"
versus
"Let's eat Grandpa!"
Note how the entire sentence changes meaning
In all, though, very well done! Thanks for sharing with us, and my very best wishes to you
Laura
-
-
LOL! Brilliant example.
I'll fixed up a few of the issues I can see.
Thanks for the lovely comment.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
