The Night Before Christmas [revisited]

Twas the night before Christmas
and I wish you could see,
not a creature was stirring
except lonely me.

With tinsel around me and
my butt in a chair,
with my gun at my side
I awaited Nick there.

Twas only last Christmas
he’d made his way in,
and left my wife preggers
with a son and a twin.

Why it was two little elves
they appeared to be,
chomping Cuban cigars
they whirled around me.

With caps on their heads
and saws in their belt,
they hammered and measured
and made themselves felt.

So now, here it is,
it’s Christmas again,
as I wait for old Santa
on my face is a grin.

While I’m sorry for the loss
for the kids of another,
old Santa must learn
that paybacks a mother!

The first bullet will find
his privates to mangle,
leaving him to bespeak,
“My balls are a-dangle”!

I smiled and sipped my
nog by the hearth,
when a clamorous noise
caused me to spring forth.

Away to our bedroom
with haste I do flee,
but Santa has come,
and left don’t you see.

My wife she is tied
to our four-poster bed,
with visions of sugar plums
a-dance in her head

A note I find there
taped tight to her tummy,
“Merry Christmas”, it says,
“to you, ya big dummy”!