August’s boughs’ flourished verdure of varying boasts
Swept by the onset of Autumnal hosts,
Stripping gnarled branches of indumentum aflame
What before wore bright emerald and seasonal fame.
They catch on the gales, winds sifting and shifting,
Until all the sky is alive with their flitting
From skeletal limbs neatly preened of their leaves-
One cycle removed from their springing, green sleeves.
The arboreal pinions, aflutter like flocks,
Scatter and settle, immuring the blocks
Of concrete convenience upon which worlds sit,
Beneath burning seas of rustling leaves knit,
A peregrine pall atop the Summer deceased
Until its heralding buds are once more released.
To match the stirring shroud on the ground far below
The silver sky lets its own eulogy flow,
Frigid drops tantamount to freshly-shed tears
And the promise that Winter gradually nears.
Both funereal meeds make a wake on the ground;
Commingling tributes to the coathy Green Man abound-
Drowned leaflets of verse and their consequent streams
That spill into reality from the grey caul of dreams.
Mourning yet adoring in equal share
For the poignant transition transposing there,
Solace in the trade for a new zenith awhirl
Evokes ripples in the puddles of reflecting pearl.
And when tinged waters and flooded leaves at last abandon that place-
Magnificent ebon henna sprawling o’er the damp, ashen face.
Author notes
I was inspired to write this poem when I noticed the interesting imprint/residue fallen leaves will leave on the ground after a rainfall. That image of the brown leaf-shaped prints all over the ground, found in the culmination of this poem, was what stirred me to write it.
A contest entry
- Win $50, and be published in the next Allpoetry Book! by Kevin.
400 points, ended January 15, 77 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Could you tell what this poem was about?
Comments
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I'm not sure about this yet.
Usually when I happen across a poem with a large vocabulary, it's obvious that someone has broken out their thesaurus in hopes of sounding "smart."
Here it's obvious that you have a handle on the English language and you're using it to your advantage. Your imagery is also very rich.
What I'm not sure about is the flow; it's halting in a few places and isn't as smooth as I'd like it to be.
I'm adding it to the finalists list to ponder.
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Thank you for your feedback and critique, Tinuelena. I'm glad my word choice comes across as natural, because I do truly love words and am constantly trying to expand my vocabulary and internalize new words. I always have to try and make sure I use them effectively, so hopefully I am making progress in that direction.
Also, thanks for bringing the flow issue up. I will do some re-reading and look into revising. Are there any specific areas you could tell me you found to be troublesome?
~G -
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Sit/blanket = a little forced.
What I always suggest is to break the poem down.
Here's an example of a couplet that has great flow:
"From skeletal limbs neatly preened of their leaves-
One cycle removed from their springing, green sleeves."
Take the syllable count and write out the stresses.
From skeletal limbs neatly preened of their leaves- (11)
-/--/--/--/
One cycle removed from their springing, green sleeves. (11)
-/--/--/--/
See how the stresses and syllable count match up perfectly?
Here's a couplet that could use a little bit of work:
"Frigid drops tantamount to overpowering tears
And promises that Winter gradually nears."
Again, taking the syllable count and stresses:
Frigid drops tantamount to overpowering tears (13)
/--/---/-/--/
And promises that Winter gradually nears (11)
-/---/-/--/
...the syllables and stresses don't line up, so it causes a stumble.
What I find really helps is to read the poem aloud. A lot of things that "sound" good on paper don't sound as good when spoken aloud. The biggest thing to remember is that rhymed poems should really have a natural, easy flow to them.
You're really on the right track here; with a few tweaks this could be a masterpiece.
Sorry, I tend to morph into teacher-mode all the time. I hope I helped without being too overbearing.
Elizabeth
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Thank you for such focused feedback! I'll be taking your suggestions and working with them for sure. I appreciate your advice, and no worries about "teacher mode". It is always welcome. ^_^
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Oh, yes! It flows a lot better. There are still a few places in which I stumbled, but a re-read or two helped a bit. Love it!
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I make it a point to return the favor of those who are so kind to me. I was lost for words at first after reading this piece. But then i found my voice again and all i can really say is. This was truly awe-inspiring. A stunningly painted visual that was vivid in it's flow and imagery. I felt as if i were standing back in my old hometown again, during fall, sitting back on my fav oak tree and watching the colors sway and fall together. "Both funereal meeds make a wake on the ground; Commingling tributes to the coathy Green Man abound- Drowned leaflets of verse and their consequent streams That spill into reality from the grey caul of dreams. Mourning yet adoring in equal share" - those lines were your strongest i think. They were just screaming at me as i was reading. Your use of vocabulary was eloquent, some of the terms i didn't recognize, but then again my vocab might not be as advanced as yours- but the flow of the rhyme was in sync, almost like a heartbeat. This was truly a masterpiece. -T
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