This morning I was awaken
By the sound of a burst
And lost souls in mourning,
Though it can't be reversed.
My worn body struggled
As I tried to greet the day.
I teetered to the mirror,
My youth had rushed away.
White hair conceals my identity,
Wrinkles disguise my face-
Though I still feel young,
With a fair amount of grace.
Looking upon my friends now,
Elderly, aged, and old-
Our eyes remain the same,
Exposing all we withhold.
Shots rip through my memory,
Death lurks behind the trees.
I watched many fade away
At the grips of a disease.
Bodies and familiar faces,
Victims of their pursuits.
Remembered not as single souls,
But a pair of empty boots.
So I sit here amongst survivors,
Not elderly, aged, or old-
But as friends recalling our stories,
For those whose blood ran cold.
Author notes
I wrote this for people that have been in any war, and for what they had to go through...
Simone Brooklyn.
Option: Other.
A contest entry
- Old Man Photo Prompt by OldBear34.
1000 points, ended December 16, 2008, 13 entries
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• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
This is for those who died not just in Vietnam, but in any war.
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This is great; it's almost like you were in a war yourself. I could FEEL. Thanks so much for sharing this with me.
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This is a beauitful piece.... I love the way it's for people in the war!
Thank you for entering! -
though memory lane is a good title and the rythem is great you did a wonderful job keepup the great work
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Bravo !
A very moving poem with a good rhyme scheme although a few sections sounded slightly awkward in places. The title sounds fine to me.
However,I took the liberty of adding a few bits and pieces. Hope you don't mind !
Good luck with your writing
All the best
Tony
This morning I was awoken
By the sound of a sudden burst
And lost souls all in mourning
Though it still can't be reversed
My tired worn body struggled
As I tried to greet the day
And I teetered to the mirror
To see my youth had rushed away
White hair sealed my identity
Wrinkles crowded to my face
Though I still felt youth inside me
With a certain touch of grace
And looking upon my friends now
The ravaged and the old
Eyes still retained the energy
And secrets still untold
Shots ripped through treasured memory
As death lurked through the trees
I watched many fade away
In the cold grip of disease
Bodies and familiar faces
Victims of their pursuits
Remembered not as single souls
But a pair of empty boots
So I sit here amongst survivors
Not ravaged used or old
But as friends recalling our stories
For those whose blood ran cold
*********
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wow...i this this is amazing...i honestly can't find a thing wrong with it. i loved it. thank you so much for entering my contest and best of luck!
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Not Bad!
I would substitute awaken for woken, which I don't believe is a word in the first line of your first stanza. I think title rhyme scheme and flow are good.
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It is a word ;D But awaken does sound better. Thank you.
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Wow.
Fantastic job. You captured how time progresses in a bittersweet and beautiful way. I thoroughly enjoyed this!
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I think the flow is great, actually. There wasn't a place that stood out where I had to stop and re-read, or where it seemed choppy. It is really a very nice ode to those who fought in Nam...their sacrifices were far too often misunderstood and unappreciated.
One thing though..."who's." I'm not positive, but I think it should be "whose" I think Who's is a contraction meaning "Who is." maybe you can double check. I've been wrong before, lol!
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this is such a beautifull peice, i loved every line,
i read it twice and both times loved it,its like something you read from a book,beautifull, you have captured an essence here. personally i wouldnt change a thing
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