Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers
Never showed a breast or todger.
Then the lovely Cary Grant
Kept his bits inside his pants.
Films in those days had a message
What it was we could not presage;
Kept us good and clean and holy
When we fancied roly-poly.
Now we get to see all those bits -
Like Tracy Enim's pickled tits.
But age has caught us by the balls
All we do is deck the halls
For nothing else will come our way.
Hooker bought and paid with credit card
High heel totters across the sward,
Takes one look and slings her hook.
"Not coming in there to pull your winkie
You stagnant fart, you're all a-stinkie."
A contest entry
- Anything Sarcastic by Edna Sweetlove.
400 points, ended January 23, 21 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
How was it for you?
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Apart from the card/sward faux pas this one is a corker. Oh yes, rhyming Ginger Rogers with todger is a bit off. At least you could have made line 2 "Never showed their breasts or todgers". I think you're mistaken about Cary though - from what I have read, he spread like butter on bread.
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Hi Ducky...
...tks 4 correcting my spelling - makes a pleasant change. I didn't know the Yanks' fannies were different - that's interesting ; perhaps they're long and wobbly, with a bell-end!
I see you've not altered the format - that, of course is your prerogative, but I shall not change my opinion ; I still think it's ordinary, badly formed and ill-flowing!
Oh, and BTW, sward is pronounced like sword, so doesn't rhyme with card, so there!
Put on the dunce's cap and go to the back of the class Campbell, and take your grubby little hands out of your pockets - all the girls KNOW what you're playing with!
Kind regards,
Robin.
PS 4got to ask, was it cold spending all those years underwater at Coniston?
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Now then, Robin, to summat serious. You deny me "sward" with "card" - sorry old chum but you are up one of your gum trees again. Two gum trees really.
Rhyming Zones on't t'web suggest - for example - that "ward" rhymes with card despite the difference in sound (the rhyming zone though is too ignorant to recognise a nice old English word (sward)).
And then, iffen you don't like the above explanation, have you not heard of "slant rhyme" which is what my two words belong to? It must be all those mamselles and hot bread that is stifling your mind. Never mind, we all get old. So glad I could help.
Donald -
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I don't give a nat's knacker about "rhyming zones" Donald old lad.
Sward DOESN'T rhyme with "card" in EXACTLY the same way that "ward" doesn't rhyme with "card", whether those pricks say it does or not!
I know I'm a bit of a girl's blouse about form and rhyme - you could say I'm afflicted with tunnel vision in that respect, but I can't help it. I don't like "obtuse", in the same way that I don't like the 99% meaningless shit of "deep and meaningful" free verse -which any self-respecting chimpanzee could write with ease, but he doesn't, because he's got better things to do, like watching paint dry, ot the grass grow!
If one is purposely writing rhyme, then why not MAKE it rhyme, instead of leaving it half to chance. All you do is change the words around until you find one which you can find a rhyme for - if you can't, then change tack completely, or change the subject!
Sorry Donald, I'm against you on this one.
And if that's "slant" rhyme, then I'm against that as well - read "non" for slant IMHO.
Humble felicitations to you and yours.
Kind regards (honestly - despite the little rant above!)
Robin. -
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Mate after reading all this I have concluded that you are either a child or just a complete moron. However that is beside the point, your rather insulting comment about freeverse is the point. Just a couple of points that I dont think have registered in that pea you call a brain. The first and foremost of which is to do with imagery. Forms severely limit imagery, if you can only use 8 sylables per line for example your metaphors are not going to be too complex. Another point is that with freeverse one has the freedom to create their own forms that are often unique to singular poems. Different and new, not withholding to dusty old forms. If you don't already know this I will impart some small amount of wisdom unto thee: Living in the past is not healthy. So get your head out of your arse and smell the roses. Expression of self has never meant one must adhere to any sort of pardigm.
No pleasentries because your a clown
Jamie -
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And you're a nincompoop james lad.
Who said anything about 8 syllables?
I don't know if you're from the other side of the pond, but I shall assume that you are, bearing in mind your lack of intelligence, and quote one of your most famous poets, Robert Frost :-
"Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down"!
Nuff said.
Merry Xmas to you and all the other nincompoops around you.
Robin. -
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Well for starters my name isn't James you illiterate Nancy-boy, do they teach you to read over there or do they just teach you how to be toffy nosed queen buggerers. Secondly 8 sylables is a pretty common limit set by form poems....I am sure you should have known that seen as you act so wise. But then I guess it is just an act isn't it. Robert Frost ...never heardof him, is he your homosexual partner?? Just thought I would lt you know that my 5 year old cousin can ryhme really well. Just thought you might like to be aware of the mentality that is required to ryhme....childs play really.
Fuck Christmas and Fuck you too Ya Gay Clown
JAMIE
P.S IS IT EASIER TO UNDERSTAND ALL IN CAPS?? -
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Um... JAMIE,
I'm understanding your point about freeverse, I write using freeverse and rhyme..and I also find form can be restricting...
However, I do disagree with your comments about my country. We are not all queen buggerers, and if you've read any of my writes, you'll see we're not all toffee nosed too!
I don't slate your country...I Love America (this is where I find out you're Australian or Canadian, isn't it?)
So I find it unfair that you slate ours, although, to be Frank, it was unfair of the abovementioned to slate your country too...
As for be butting in on your conversation- let's just say it's in my nature to defend my own...as you have yours...
And I hope- despite your comment to the above- that your christmas was actually a good one.
Will now traipse off to read some of your works!
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This is where you find out I am an Aussie
Don't worry I don't think all poms are toffee nosed queen buggerers...just the ones that are toffee nosed queen buggerers...I was a bit rude, but then I took the freeverse insult quite personally...don't worry I dont make a habit of pommy bashing..ask Don.
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Thank you so much for the kind and tasteful response James.
Festive greetings to you too.
Robin.
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Now then, don't get your nits nikkers in a twist! We mun agree to disagree then .... but you know that you are in the minority - even the great poet ......, you know who I mean, used slant rhyme even if it was scant rhyme. OoooH1 My way with words astounds you. Warmest thingies as the season drawers on.
Donald -
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I find being in the minority somewhat satisfying Mr Duck, because the majority are/is (dunno which) invariably WRONG!
Remember the Nazis?
Ranting Robin. -
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Just to bring your sloppy brain up to speed - here we have a finely tuned piece of drivel about half rhymes. Do you see, you only need half a brain to accomplish it. Heehee Neverthewhen you are unarguably WRONG!!! So there!
Half rhyme
Half rhyme, sometimes called slant, sprung, near rhyme, oblique rhyme, off rhyme or imperfect rhyme is consonance on the final consonants of the words involved. Many half rhymes are also eye rhymes. It is widely used in Irish, Scottish, Welsh, and Icelandic verse. Some examples are ill and shell and also dropped and wept.
Half rhyme has been found in English-language poetry as early as Henry Vaughan, but it was not until it was used in the works of W. B. Yeats and Gerard Manley Hopkins that half rhyme became popular among English-language poets. In the 20th century half-rhyme has been used widely by English poets. Often, as in most of Yeats's poems, it is mixed with other devices such as regular rhymes, assonance, and para-rhymes. In the following example the 'rhymes' are on/moon and bodies/ladies:
When have I last looked on
The round green eyes and the long wavering bodies
Of the dark leopards of the moon?
All the wild witches, those most noble ladies,
(Yeats, "Lines written in Dejection")
American poet Emily Dickinson also used slant rhyme frequently in her work.[1] In her poem "Hope is the thing with feathers" the slant rhyme appears in the second and fourth lines. In the following example the 'rhyme' is soul/all.
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all. -
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Wrong is incorrect Donald lad - all I said was that sward doesn't rhyme with card, in the same way that ward doesn't rhyme with card. That is a true statement of fact!
The fact that they HALF-rhyme is irrelevant.
I would never argue that half-rhymes are acceptable, I use them myself when I've exhausted every avenue to find a true rhyme, but I insist it is laziness!
There will be a better way of rhyming your poem (above), but like most free-versers, you either wilfully refuse, or can't be bothered to investigate.
This is my whole point about free verse versus rhyming verse. free verse is a piece of piss - you just write bullshit, and then put it into some kind of format.
Writing rhyming verse is a skill which IMHO, can be learned through practice.
I don't for one minute pretend to be an expert on the subject, but I DO have very strong opinions, as you know only too well.
Your poem above could be improved 100% (again IMHO), by spending a bit more time on it. -
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Aha! By your own words etc.....As this time around you are being oh so serious I ask this question (or something)....Why is it that the "It must rhyme afficionados" seem to attack anyone who strays from their self-imposed strict rules yet the rest of us - who might wander hither and thither investigating possibilities - can't be bothered to attack versifiers and rhymesters? Deep thoughts for a Wednesday morning in December. Happy Christmas, Robin.
Donald V.
PS......VICTORIOUS!!!! -
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Victorious?
Vainglorious! (rhyme or half-rhyme?)
Deep thoughts indeed Donald lad.
Bon (dunno if it's masculine or feminine - one would assume masculine, as he was a geezer, but Francais doesn't follow any hard and fast rules, like you Ducky!) Noel a toi.
Felicitations,
Robin de Bois.
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These definitions are from my Big Dic which I use a lot - provenance given just in case a moderator or do-gooder takes offence. Heehee!
fanny (fan-ee)
Usage vulgar
1. [N. Amer, vulgar] The fleshy part of the human body that you sit on
"are you going to sit on your fanny and do nothing?"
2. [Brit, vulgar] External female sex organs
As I suggested there is a fundament(al) difference. Bonne Noel.
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Now I know about last word rhyming !!!! Not!! But, I could have split the look/took line into two but retained it just to irritate you! Of course your re-write is to be devoured by lovers of scatalogical lavatory walls (as ever) but thanks for the new words - I particularly enjoyed the new Cary Grant - maybe Edna will award you a posthumous award??? By the way in Britain the word is metre - only those ignorant Aymericans say meter when referring to beat/rhythm or poetry. Just thort you'd like to no that LOL Warm thorts to u, Robin Oh.......PS
By the way, I 'm certain you know this, the Aymerican fanny is not as fundamentally rude as our fanny - I mainly say this for those North Americans who don't know the difference should they ever bother to read our ramblings! -
I meant last word rhyming Ducky!
May I make a sewer gestion :-
Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers
Kept concealed their fannies and todgers
And Cary Grant - so tough and 'straight'
Concealed he was effeminate
And now I sit and think on it
Lassie never had a shit!
Films in our youth had a message
What it was we couldn't presage
Thinking after confirmation
Not of stuff like masturbation
We thought of nicking mars and snickers
Not of getting into knickers!
To think, an ankle got us going
Saying to tarts, "Down south it's snowing"
Now the editor stops at nowt
And wobbly bits are jumping out
What is happening to our nation
Nothing's left to imagination?
Not suggesting you use this Ducky Donald I just writ it to give you my idea of form (which I consider important) and meter.
Personally, I hate to see people constantly using the same format in their poems, but some of the oldpoets did. Check out Marriott Edgar on oldpoetry.com He's the first poet I read (about 4 years ago) because, coming from Yorkshire, poetry was for cissy girls, wonnit? I found him hilarious, and blatantly plagiarised his simplistic style for a while, until I read others work, and then copied that style. I think I've now developed my own style which is a cooperative plagiarisation of others.
Those who consider themselves original suck IMO.
Free verse is so easy as to be not worth the trouble,
but writing rhyme which flows is difficult, but well worth the effort.
Check out this new young poetess whom I admire. Type bitcherel into google, and read the poem by Eleanor Brown. It flows and rhymes, and is incredibly clever and witty.
I bought her first book, on the strength of my love of her style,and the bulk of it was soppy sonnet shit, which I didn't like, but there were were one or two other gems, making the purchase worthwhile (I've forgiven her the soppy lovelorn shit because she's a woman, and presume she wrote all that crap during the 3 weeks of the month when she was subhuman, and the good stuff in the other week when she was normalish!)
Wot r u thinking? Me - an MCP?
Shame on u Donald.
Kind regards,
Robin.
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Somehow I appear to have replied to myself??? Anyway, if you care to peep at Times are changing, there is a longish comment meant for youy. Sorry for being - no change - useless. Donald the Goose
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Just my....
....cup of tea Donald, though decidedly reserved.
I would have made it much more ruderer (that's a good word, innit?)
However, my pedantic bent must now take over - as opposed to my sexual bent, which is somewhat in question!
The format change spoils the piece IMHO, and the single line in verse 2 (the last) and the single line in verse 3 (the 3rd) which don't rhyme at all, let the poem down.
If you start with an 8 line verse, why not continue in that format, or at least split the first verse into 2, and then carry on in 4-line format?
To be a little more pedantic, the "hooker" line spoils the flow, and I believe "stinky" should be spelled thus.
Apart from all that, it's not a bad effort, considering you don't normally write rhyming stuff.
If you want any help with re-writing, my humble services are on offer at an incredibly small stipend (just admit that M.City r better than the Red bastards!)
Kind regards,
Robin.
PS Have a bit of the clap - I've had enough of it!
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'Ey-Up, lad. 3rd line in v3 does rhyme (b*gg*r the metre) Look rhymes with hook!
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I agree, M City are better than those red-shirted procrastinators - Middlesbrough. Now you can happilly re-write my pome, or, iffen you prefer you may re-right it. Truth is that I have difficulty maintaining both rhyme and metre so I don't. Origami, Robin and don't let the bed bugs bite.
I see that I can't spell happilly. Ain't life tuff?
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I loved the first verse, the rest is just well... ah I am Edna's Nemesis lol I made her ? him cry once turned me into the moderaters. Oh i am just not in to this stuff but I hope you win!!!
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Very good! Good luck in the contest.
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