They’ll brazenly scoff, “It cannot be done.”
Inside you will smile. Why spoil their fun?
Once you step forward despite their advice.
Comments will cease. That’s them thinking twice.
They’ve seen other people succeeding before.
You’ve made them uneasy by striving for more.
It’s not that they don’t believe that it’s true.
It’s been done before, just never by you.
Once progress is shown towards meeting your plan,
they’ll say, “It won’t last. It’s a flash-in-the-pan.”
When they ask, “How’s it going?” It’s just a façade.
If you grimace they’ll give you that head-bobbing nod.
When ultimate success becomes painfully clear.
“It was luck” the conclusion you’ll generally hear.
In time they’ll concede, “It was simply a joke.”
Attempting to change the words that they spoke.
“We knew you could do it. We’ve always believed.
We proudly support the things you’ve achieved.”
They’ll jump on the wagon as if they had scored.
Inside you will smile and say, “Welcome aboard.”
In a list
A contest entry
- Verse Poetry - Form or Metered by Corey Harvard.
500 points, ended December 27, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hypocrites! Pure hypocrites they are! Bah humbug! Yea I know what I said don't make no sense, just go wit the flow, and clarity will come quick!
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thanks
you are so cool... I love the personality you put into your comments - Kevin
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I have a poem titled "Not Afraid Anymore" that carries a similar sentiment to this. I'd say the key difference is that your poem is narrated from an omniscient perspective and mine is delivered in first person from the perspective of one who hasn't seen his dreams come to fruition yet (and yet has that same disciplined idealism).
Your theme is clear and your presentation is quietly forceful. I certainly connected with this. If being moved is the litmus test for how I judge the contest, you are a top contender for sure.
In the second half of this review, I'd like to kill two birds with one stone. I'd like to address the style and meter of this poem while responding to frownsnfreckles comment... I'm compelled to do so because, quite frankly, I think frownsnfreckles's comment is full of you-know-what.
I like your literary style - semi-contemporary, not too complex and free from archaisms. I was comfortable with the dialogue, which is always a treat in verse poetry. All-in-all, aside from maybe the choice to use the beginning of each line as a new idea (my reason for placing the "semi" before the "contemporary"), I have no qualms with the style.
Concerning meter, I'm curious about where frownsnfreckles thinks the flow is disrupted. I've scanned the third stanza several times and I think it reads fine. As a matter of fact, I have a hard time trying to make the meter stumble. See, what I wonder about frownsnfreckles is if she understands that it's the reader's responsibility to interpret meter correctly; and, given where the accents fall, there is a plausible way for the stanza to scan flawlessly... so what's the deal? The only place where I felt the meter slipped a bit was the first line of the 4th stanza:
[when ULT][i-mate suc][CESS be-comes][PAIN-full-y][CLEAR]
Generally, it's a good idea to avoid having more than 2 unstressed syllables in one foot. The second foot (second bracket) of the line has 3 unstressed syllables back to back, and even if I try to interpret the line differently, I can't make it flow without some compromise. Granted, this is one line, which is really not enough to stress over.
To be honest, I wish I would have had something like this poem when I taught Scansion here on AP. A lot of people have a hard time with writing in iambs, but writing in mixed meter is a concept that even most iamb-happy poets never grasp. So kudos to you!
This is definitely a competitor for a trophy!
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Wow, Thanks
for what may be the best, most informed review I have ever had on any site. I appreciate that very much. I look forward to reading some of your work. Honestly, I don't think this is one of my better pieces. I am truly a newbie at writing, 5 short years. I don't really understand much technically about what I do, I just know what I like. I would welcome you to read some of my work and would welcome the chance to reward you for it. I don't really know my way around here yet, so I'm not sure what the "proper" procedures are. I am simply trying to improve my writing. Thank you so much - Kevin
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Ah, yes! smiling inside. And, the ending, where you welcome them aboard. Grace has the ultimate reward. I enjoyed reading the poem & the message. And, I enyoyed reading your profile, very inspirational. I enterd the contest, and would welcome your comments. Regards
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sounds a bit cynical but sadly often true! The rhyme scheme works well but breaks in the 3rd stanza where you revert to internal rhyme. I found this broke the flow for me, not sure if that was intentional just didn't seem to fit with the rest. The repetition in the first and final stanza brings it to a neat conclusion. I like the positve ending.
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