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heavy water

 

 

 

 

i often walk as a child  
holding a lantern
once held
by my mother,

bending dust
from a smile
towards my own
lost weight

listening
to footsteps
occurring down winter
paths
creating distances
that i can not grasp
within my own thought.

i often blink silently
within your eyelids,
over-polishing
the sunshine
around curves
on roadsides.

Your a boat
swimming
through the heat
on my cheeks

breathing faster
but fainter
than trees

holding the feeling
of July
within unopened mail

covering my toes
gently
and softly
like a distant
saxophone note

staring at
a pair of leather shoes
textured and broken
speaking

of your fragile limbs
in sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

- title lifted from grouper.

- infulinced by old silent Yasujirō Ozu visuals

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Never Fall in Love
    June 11
    Edit | Reply
    .


  • A. Lee S.
    June 10

    Edit | Reply

    responding from the depths of weighted water...

    bending dust... makes me think of refracted light and floating particles captured thru blinds;

    over-polishing the sunshine of curved roadsides "lies" my favorite line... I realize I should have said "lays" but I also refuse to make amends;

    I adore your metaphoric boat chugging through cheeks of warm water... clap, clap, clap;

    I picture the leather shoe abandoned in the depths of quiet stillness;

    this poem drifts with currents of metaphoric flow.

    Kudos, N. Igma



  • A. Lee S.
    June 10
    Edit | Reply

    from the weighted view of water...

  • Cinnarry gold member
    December 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Quite remarkable.

    "i often blink silently
    within your eyelids,"

    Outstanding.

  • vertigo beat
    December 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    -Your a boat
    you're. that stanza was really very good.

    very well done.


  • redbird
    December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    whoooaa is right.
    this has a jazzy sadness to it, if that makes any sense. probably not, but im finding it hard to write anything but WoW in this comment box.


  • girl shaman
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    whooooaaa
    ill never call your work 'obscure' nooo sir!@

    anyways, as always you write beautifully, and if that sounds like im kissing your ass then bend over & ill gladly kiss it! lol <3


  • chloris
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i truly loved this... i sighed almost after all the stanzas... oh thought i should point this out:
    Your a boat> Youre a boat. (since you don't like apostrophes.


  • notorious
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Heavy water...
    that really makes me think of viscosity.
    I love the word 'viscosity', probably because of the 'scos' sound in it that's just so fun to say and I'm getting slightly off-topic [again].

    But basically,
    even your titles make me think, "Well fuck, I'm thinking! What's next, cohesive thoughts?"

    "i often walk as a child"
    Love that that is in the present tense. I think you talk about childhood a lot...or reference it, at least - melikes.

    "bending dust
    from a smile"
    That dust makes me think of aging - not sure if that was intentional or if I'm having thoughts that feel cohesive only to myself.

    "can not"
    I used to hate 'cannot' being separated like that, even though it's "right" both ways.
    Now, I prefer the "can not" version because it's all...separate-y.

    "within unopened mail"
    I liked that because it was easy for me to imagine (like all your metaphors - doesn't mean I understand them necessarily in the way you mean them, but I can always see them) and plus...
    it's just groovy.

    "textured and broken
    speaking
    of your fragile limbs
    in sleep."
    Not sure I liked 'fragile' there; the flow works, but it seems...like something anyone could write, phrase-wise.

    I sound like a bitch.

    I really loved the rest of that ditty, though- all that from leather shoes?
    Awesome...very textured

    ---
    Jessica


  • acoustical
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your a boat
    swimming
    through the heat
    on my cheeks

    breathing faster
    but fainter
    than trees

    holding the feeling
    of July
    within unopened mail

    covering my toes
    gently
    and softly
    like a distant
    saxophone note

    staring at
    a pair of leather shoes
    textured and broken
    speaking

    of your fragile limbs
    in sleep."



    wowwwwwwwwwwww

    this is bookmarked.

    do you read MeekChinchilla? go look him up. you'd like his stuff.


  • JaycobKay
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely as always, though this one was less obscure.
    Correction of one part:

    Your a boat
    swimming
    through the heat
    on my cheeks


    Your/You're

    • parachute fog
      December 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      less obscure? since when have i ever been remotly obscure as of late?

      must there be a correction of such minor details? i would have noticed upon posting eventually.

      • JaycobKay
        December 13, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        I'm sorry, I just like to get those things off my chest. Whenever I notice grammar mistakes it seems that they scream out to me! I don't mean to be a downer in any way by pointing them out, I understand that typos happen.

        I have always found your poetry to be slightly obscure. Not in a "college student film about black crows and children's dolls" way or anything remotely similar, but obscure in your use of metaphor and personification, how you tell about things that others would make so much prettier (I like your way better.)

        • parachute fog
          December 13, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          your response made me question if you have ever read my poems properly,

          much of my comparison & technique is simple, often transparent & highly concerned with aesthetical qualities,

          to the extent i'm starting to sound like a laurie lee, seamus heaney knock off in my description & flow.

          • JaycobKay
            December 13, 2008

            Edit | Reply
            I'm sorry. I often don't mean things the way that people take them..
            I probably have my own made-up definition of "obscure" in my head and I'm using that and you're taking the word literally...
            I don't know.
            I read your poetry properly,
            and I always enjoy it.
            You sound quite angry though,
            and I just want to say that I never meant to offend you.

            • parachute fog
              December 14, 2008
              Edit | Reply
              how else am i to take the word? create my own denotation too?

              im sorry for taking something literal, next time anything you say, i will be quick to change the meaning.

1 - 20 of 20