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Censure to Approval - Rubaiyat

Concur thee that whilst criticism leaves-                  

I dread to understand what it perceives,

Almighty fragments leaving it for dead                                  

And if at all - all else, it too deceives.       

              

I ask, if not for otherwords - a 'but',  

Not equal to the terse but minute tut!

 Will do, when equal option poses threat

How masterful is one contained in strut.   

 

Agreed! It is important having made-                        

And pass it on as judgment to invade

Forlorn in this enquiry, heat of phrase,

The privacy of thoughts to which we fade. 

 

I gloat on any verse which is approved                     

And only they may say, "I have improved",

Not knowing who they are or what they do

Again, is gross disdain I am removed. 

 

Intention from the glory finding hold

If mind be trained, on whether it be told  

The evil, from where criticism leapt;

Whenever it is used it’s simply cold. 

 

To mask the said intention can but hurt,

What testing chain of infrastructures blurt

In which the outer frequencies resist,

Who louder than you do, raised self alert?  

              

Who classifies the style in which defeats’,  

Have certainly out-measured sombre beats

Like equaling the lungs exhaled in part;

By every phrase or form when time repeats.  

Author notes

Ruba'iyat, a collection of Ruba'i (a form of Persian poetry). The most well-known example of such a collection is the Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam, to the extent that Rubaiyat is often used as a short name for this particular collection.
This Persian form of poetry is a series of rhymed quatrains. In each quatrain, all lines rhyme except the third, leading to this pattern:

a
a - 2nd line rhymes with the first.
b
a - 4th line rhymes with the first and second.

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Corey Harvard gold member
    December 23, 2008

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    Before I begin the review, I want to let you know that I am made of modern verse; in other words, poetry with archaic characteristics is usually difficult for me to experience. But just because I'm partial to contemporary language doesn't mean that I'm blind to talent when I see it, and here, I have most definitely seen it.

    In attempt to be objective and see the poem for what it is, what I find in this poem that I often don't find in other poems robed in Shakespearian decor is the ability to wield the language correctly. No lie - reading this makes me think of a class I took on Shakespeare. And a lot of others who try to pull it off simply come out sounding awkward, butchering syntax and using words incorrectly.

    Meter - flawless. Which, again, flaunts your natural ability with this kind of poem. The construction must be intense for you? Your rhyming is also flawless. Form clearly isn't a hassle.

    You ended this on a strong note, too! I'm amused by your wording. You definitely know how to turn a phrase in this style.

    In the end, when I judge the entries, you come to an immediate disadvantage. It isn't a disadvantage that you can do anything about - I'm just programmed for modern poetry. Although the structure may be solid and the charm may be intact, I only have one pair of lenses to look at it through: what I know/what I am familiar with.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Delicious rhyme and meter in this Rubaiyat, not a form of poetry seen often enough on AP.

    Some interesting content too

    Jeff


  • Annie-isnt-ok
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    350 lines hm? That's quiet a feat. Interesting quatrain pattern. I don't think I've seen much of that probably because any asian poems I read are usually translated and cease to rhyme.


  • RT KatPat
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    hey great poem again
    i had to read it so many times to grasp it properly to comment upon.. phew!
    My fav of all paras is
    "To mask the said intention can but hurt,

    What testing chain of infrastructures blurt

    In which the outer frequencies resist, 345

    Who louder than you do, raised self alert? "
    very deep...


  • Whispering Wind Moderators member
    December 13, 2008
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    Such a beautiful form to pour ones heart into...the feeling of criticism for a job thought your best, can easily leave a saddness from no praise soon rest...emotions flow from your golden pen and has a winner written all over it

     

    thank you kindly for sharing your master piece with me


  • Amera gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love the Ruba'iyat and this one is penned with originality and skill. Unlike the commenter below me, I had no problem with the rhyme and meter. Perhaps he should read it out loud.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Cant force beloved
    December 13, 2008

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    Fantastic

    I love this form, I love you thoughts, if I could I'd mount this on my wall but I fear idolizing it if I do that.

    I gloat on any verse which is approved
    not knowing who they are or what they do
    and only they may say, "I have improved",
    again, by gross disdain I am removed.


    Intention from the glory finding hold
    of evil, from where criticism leapt;
    if mind be trained, on whether it be told
    or whether it be not - are all too bold.


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i am not well knowledgeable in the many forms of poetry, but still i love to read them and see their beauty and this is one of them keep it flowing and good luck in the contest

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