Inspired by a soft note of music’s sound
falling on my ear, such sweet melody;
I took my pen and ink and therewith found
I could write more than just a parody.
Different, varied, special words I've used,
some long and complex, some concise and short.
Syllable count I sadly have abused
when trying to rhyme, as one last resort.
There’s been not one idea, but many more,
to enhance and largely adorn my words;
they’ve come, wings wide-spread and prepared to soar,
as though flying into my verse like birds.
The thing is, I’ve never really liked it,
but in tight hold it’s caught me, bit by bit.
A contest entry
- Verse Poetry - Form or Metered by Corey Harvard.
500 points, ended December 27, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Grins. I enjoyed your sonnet! Write on, poet.
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Mythtress
Thankyou for reading and for your comments, which are very much appreciated.
I send you, from 'down-under', where we are enjoying a very hot summer, my best wishes for Christmas and the New Year.
Shenton
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More than just a parody! Why is that our first ventures into formal verse seem to be the ditties written for a friend's party, or some such? This has captured your journey splendidly, and captured my attention too! "Wings wide spread and prepared to soar". They do so now, sir!
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Siderea
Thankyou for reading, commenting, and for your very generous applause.
I send you best wishes for Christmas and New Year from 'down-under'.
Shenton
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It's always interesting to see what kind of experience poets have with verse. Typically, poets who begin by writing free verse find verse poetry too restricting; all the technicality involved makes it hard to find a natural voice. Nevertheless, any poet who is open-minded enough usually comes to see that well-written verse has its own kind of emotional dynamics.
I like the subject matter. In a couple places the punctuation (or perhaps just the phrasing) throws me off. For example, in the second stanza I'm having a hard time with the third and fourth lines. Even though they're framed as a sentence, I'm not sure that it conveys a complete thought on its own.
When it comes to style, you have a strong grasp on phrasing. Your syntax certainly isn't simple-minded. Additionally, it's always refreshing to see someone take advantage of transition phrases (e.g. "the thing is,") - it brings that personable tone into verse poetry that a lot of us love in poets like Robert Frost.
As for meter, the poem stumbles a bit, but generally it works. There are a couple of places where it seems you're digging for words. A word I've learned to avoid is "just", simply because, in the case of verse poetry, it usually doesn't carry much significance in the sentence aside from taking a syllable count. Consequently, unless it really does feel natural in context (which is rare), it seems a little awkward.
Final note: I really like your conclusion. This has a solid landing... and what's more important than that?
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Corey,
Being a member of a Writers' Group, local to where I live, most of my work is read or heard by other members of my 'senior citizen' age.
Any criticism is based on that 'age' factor which makes the receipt of your comments a delight for me to read and savour, even to try and edit in the light which they throw on my 'escape from free verse'.
The program of our Writers' Group for 2009 is based heavily on the hope that we may be able to encourage some younger members to join us and share their work with us. Perhaps resulting in both age groups learning from each other.
Thankyou for your detailed comments, which are very much appreciated.
I send you my best wishes from 'down-under'.
Shenton
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