by Gregg Rowe
Oh! memories, my photos -- black and white:
Have witnessed Greek youths lie on hospice beds --
Seen poisoned pills pushed -- AZT -- sad deaths;
Five hundred plus souls -- I heard -- angels bright
Funeral after funeral -- young lives;
Have seen warm salty tears shed when world's wept:
By-gone young years -- my activist days left --
This year I celebrate my twenty-five
Still think the work we accomplished ad-hoc
Through years -- with governments --we tried to talk:
I freely, on my covered white land, walk --
Unforgotten tough comrades -- souls/friends lost:
A heavy heart, hazel eyes --winter glossed --
A knee bent, head bowed, signing of my cross
Author notes
by Gregg Rowe
We have the right to qualify you if we are pleased by your behavior, or actions, or something with your poetry (though, most likely not the last one). Though, this is unplanned, you still need to be unrespectful.
WARNING. This contest is completely unexpected. By entering, you are agreeing to the following terms of us:
- We have the right to make you write in any form/style/type of poetry there is on this planet. We will literally murder ourselves sometimes by trying to find even at least one bizarre form. But, then again, you may have easy things too. Or maybe not. You never know.
- We have the right to make you vote for other contestant. You may have to vote other contestants out, or vote to give contestants immunity, or even vote them president, or never vote for them at all. Again, you never know. We don't know either.
- We have the right to eliminate as many people as we want. We may not eliminate anyone until like the second last round. Or we may eliminate almost everyone in the first round and have the contest super short. Again, you never know!
- We have the right to make you write on any genre. Monkeys from another planet, hope, hatred, beautiful underwear. Please don't enter if you are easily offended, as you may have to write on some touchy or controversial topics. Or, you may not. You just can't tell!
- We have the right to disqualify you if we are not pleased by your behavior, or actions, or something with your poetry (though, most likely not the last one). Though, this is unplanned, you still need to be respectful.
- We have the right to be completely honest with your work. Whatever we say is only said to help you improve as a poet.
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Please reword at least one of these rights in your Author's Notes, and then copy and paste the whole contract and state your username in the blank space.
A contest entry
- UNPLANNED: as unexpected as you [preliminary round] by Never Fall in Love.
400 points, ended December 22, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AIDS by peregrin.
550 points, ended December 13, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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yes.
I agree with ryan on that part thta the rhyme was good. However, I fund the double dashes to be annoying even after I read your reply to him.
Most of the phrases seemed choppy ad didnt flow well - And I think you used double dashes not for pauses but replacements for syllables you couldnt fill in.
While that worked, it also made the overall flow seem choppy no matter how many times I read it.
Though, as ryan said again, you have some pretty unique phrases that could be worked on.
Congrats, please enter the group:
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/UNPLANNED%20as%20unexpected%20as%20you?stay=1
- Chandni
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Sad and beautiful!! Love your poem!!!
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This is brilliant!
I really love this, thank you so much for writing.
;p
~~Gwen
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Yes
I am no expert in rhyme, but I liked yours in this piece. It should that you can rhyme, but not let it take control of your poem, and therefore make what you say in your poetry limited.
I think that the usage of "--" was very overused, and there was lots of stronger, better punctuation you could've used to add to the flow of your piece.
I also believe you have showed unique phrasing and strong emotion in this piece - which I like in poetry.
For the next rounds I would work on ... more enthralling, creative imagery and maybe a smidgen of poetic device.
Thanks for the entry - please wait for Chandni. -
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Thank You for the Constructive Critique
Thank you for your constructuctive critique on this poem. The form is a Sakesperian Sonnet so the rhyme scheme has to be there, but as you noted, not so forced. It is looking for that right word at the end of the line which subetly slips in.
A thing about "--". They are used to slow the reader down and are the longest pause in poetry.
The comma skips,
the semi-colon jumps;
the period stops.
The single dash warns the reader to slightly pause more than the last three mentioned and a double dash tells the reader to yield just a bit more.
You will find these double dashes a lot in Sonnets because the lines are to be written in iambic pentameter (five feet, 10 syllables - one foot of poetry equals one unstessed syllable, one stressed syllable). By using this technique, the reader pauses longer and lets the words sink in, before hitting the next segment or phrase.
If I may be so bold poet and say that I believe this usage of the double dashes helped you appreciate the unique phrases and emotions because they hit you quickly.
Am anxiously waiting for Channi's response and want to thank you both for this contest.
Gregg -
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I guess we learn something new everyday!
Thank-you for your response and your entry.
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