i am back
waning on
a cycle of
subsidence
ligaments undone-
another petrified
soul-mouth with
misery on her breath
an illumina straggling
star lit up like
perpetual notes
of distress
i am rust on
the gut of plane
sailing into 200 miles
of sea
i am ethical
dislocation
amidst a weary
holocaust-
emblazoned gray
with a monarchy
of ash
i am
i was
always the
same
an amalgam of
human distention
on the firing line of
god
Comments
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wow this was so intresting an amazing poem so well written love how you ended it!!
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Your diction and overall wording is always so fantastic. I always try to come up with a critique for you, but I honestly can't find any. All of the imagery and emotion was just perfect. Loved it
Jeanette*~
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Thanks so much dear, that means a lot. But don't be afraid to critique me, there is always a flaw somewhere, no matter how good something is.
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yay! a new post! im glad you are posting new stuff
and, this is bloody spectacular. i love your vocabulary. you use uncommon words, which is sooooooooooo refreshing on this site, seriously. write more!
and, tell james i say hi, and that i miss him!
(oh, this is meg, aka sailor ptolema & Joan-of-Arc lol)
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Pardon the fact that I didn't get back to you right away. I had some health issues and some other everyday life messes to deal with, but I don't ever forget my readers.
I agree with you on the uncommon words comment. That is something I definitely enjoy doing. It can breathe new life into a very simplistic stanza, lending it an exotic nature that doesn't take away from the overall tone of the piece.
I will let James know you said hi and also stop by and leave you a comment as soon as I can.
Thanks so much.
- Kenneth
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Absolutely love the language, but I'm hesitant when it comes to the line breaks. Specifically the ending words on the linebreaks. The end of a line tends to be the strongest part of the line, where the most emphasis is placed so the last two stanzas and L2-3, 7 end on weak words like "of", "on", "with". Sometimes that can be done to great effect, but I'm not sure in say:
i am rust on
the gut of plane
if it wouldn't be stronger as a different combination. Still, if the endings were deliberately done with awareness of the potential broken off effect, then I have no case; it's all about there being a reason behind the poetic decisions.
Again, wonderful language. It was a pleasure to read (and I rarely find myself saying that on Ap.)
Have a good one!
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I must say it is a breath of fresh air to recieve an actual critical critique. I appreciate the time you took to read my poem and think it over, it makes my day. To answer your question, it's mostly intentional, as I tend to write this way- between abstract free-verse and broken form. It's part of my history as a writer, although the stuff I wrote in my teenage years was basically shit, I still have retained some of my old sensibilities in terms of bucking tradition and choosing to dance down the road of innovation and experimentation instead.
Thank you for stopping by, I shall endevour to read yours as well.
- Kenneth M.
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Strong~
i am rust on
the gut of plane
sailing into 200 miles
of sea
There is something about this stanza that really gets to me. It's like it's saying, that rust could break through any moment and fall into that 200 miles of see, but still strong enough to make it. Like you have weaknesses that are breaking through, but you won't let them. Sorry if that is not what you are going for, but it is exactly what came to mind through the whole thing... STRENGTH in CHARACTER
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There is no right definition to the meaning of a poem or any written work for that matter. It's what the reader takes away from it that defines it. Everyone has a different perception, so no matter what you felt, you felt something and that is the core of it all.
Thanks for stopping by.
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ouch!
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As always, I'm the pleasantly elated one with a shotgun blast through my chest and a sunflower in my hat.
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"i am ethical
dislocation
amidst a weary
holocaust-"
brilliant lines....
along with those closing ones.. how well this becomes an image in my mind -- vast and continual.. the infighting of the 'human' breed, individually, on both the internal level as well as external.. then transcends into a more global fire... with whispers of why between lines that seem to speak of things ....that never change.
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Thank you so much for stopping by Lisa, your words always mean so much to me.
I actually was inspired enough to write this recently, gladly seeing as I haven't written much lately. I am happy that this piece is being taken in different directions by various readers.
Once again, I am honored you came by and commented.
Love to you,
Kenneth
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Ah the worry of constant living amongst the chaos of life and it's upheavels. We wade through a morass most days where we want to find a little piece of ourselves still without tatters, still innocent, still free? Hard to do to sit still and hear nothing So glad to see you writing C
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Thank you, had some inspiration recently and the spout boiled over as usual. I have a bit of Sylvia Plath syndrome, I don't write dozens of poems a month or year. At most I may write 5-10 a year. So eventually I will be able to put together a book. Both myself and James do plan on publishing, it's never far from the back of our minds, but it's just getting past the psychosis of obsession that surrounds both of our writings. We are such perfectionists, everything has to be done exactly as we want it, that and we are both agoraphobes to some extent.
However, I have gotten a lot better at writing as I'm getting older. I only edited this for around twenty minutes, whereas in the past I could barely write a functional poem that made sense in a few hours or even at all. God, when I think of the tripe I've posted on this site before, it's embarrassing.
I guess it's true, that a poet's talent is ever-evolving.
To me this means a lot of things, there's about ten layers overwhelming the expanse of this poem, but it all melds into one pool of poetic exuberance. Guess I'm not rusty after all.
Love to you and James sends hugs and smiles your way as well.
-Kenneth
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No you are definitely not rusty, and I wish i could edit the way you and James do, it would save me going back and thinking oh yuk!!! lol Oh I miss you guys so much and loe and hugs back to both of you C
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Editing for me used to be impossible. Sometimes still, James has to yell at me and say, "Stop worrying about it, the poem is great!", because I am my own worst critic and can't help but nitpick everything I do.
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I think perhaps we all do it but then again I have always believe the best pieces I have done and they are few and far between lol have not required editing much at all because they just flowed that way. although the one i finished for Cat's contest called 'bridged red' was like a caesarean lol it struggled until i found the right voice for the story and now I am most proud of it and want to leave it alone lol, I'd love for you to see it and show James, I think he'd be pleased oh and you can tell him from me that Alex (BizarreBlizzard) and I are good friends here now lol thanks to James...we speak on IM most days and he's been a great help C
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I think I also have a lot easier of a time editing because my pieces tend to be shorter, while very deep, still no longer than a page. It's just how they come out. I will definitely tell him and have him read that poem when he gets home.
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Yes that's where my problem lay I used to write too much for what would be deeper with less words. Between James and Alex now I have a handle on how it should be without raving for too long. Reading the stronger poets on here too has helped immensely. I feel better equipped to say what my unconscious says rather than what other's tell me too from outside.
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