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On The Rocks (But, Yeah, Give Me An Olive)






i.

You said
I would never get over
the ‘getting-over’
part
of you

yet, even when truth
snapped my bones
in two

I always knew
my heart
was made of muscle.


ii.

It is such a pain
in the ass

to lay in bed at night
knowing

there is only one cigarette

left in the pack

and a poem
screaming inside my head.


iii.

The unbearable ache
of a beautiful
moon

and the sweet taste
of my own
sex

is enough reason
to believe

I will never die
quietly.

 

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Author notes

prompt: Basically I want to be entertained, so make it good.
But by the gods, pleeeeze don't bore me...

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 50 of 50

  • still.she.waits
    March 22

    Edit | Reply
    ii.

    It is such a pain
    in the ass

    to lay in bed at night
    knowing

    there is only one cigarette

    left in the pack

    and a poem
    screaming inside my head.

    love this. entire thing. but love ii. because it is me.


  • thepoetssoul
    January 19

    Edit | Reply
    What splendid creativeness and talent you have poured into this wonderful poem.I can feel the emotion as every word courses through me.Its amazing, thank you for sharing your heart and soul.

    Tony


  • Swan song gold member
    December 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I can completely relate to the second vignette I for a long time could not imagine writing poetry without a smoke and it was a nightmare lol

    I thought the third one was just mouth agape poetry deep and personal and yet beautiful .

    You have always seemed like a woman who celebratres herself and that is good.


  • Sesheta
    December 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You certainly don't bore ~me~...

    Truth snapped my bones in two...heart made of muscle..."pain in the ass"...oh it really is...unbearable ache...

    What a wonderful end to a poem! Disjointed, it allows me to fill in the blanks, and each word means so much more...this is how I like my poems...!!! Did I say "like"? I mean LOVE!!!


  • crisstiena
    December 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Good stuff...


  • sharptooth
    December 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like this poem a lot, the title caught my eye first & the rest of it was super.

    i love the line(s)
    yet, even when truth
    snapped my bones
    in two

    I always knew
    my heart
    was made of muscle.

  • davidwright silver member
    December 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That's a very cute piece of work you have a unique way with words. Happy trails.


  • JinSays gold member
    December 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    My Laney.
    What can I say?
    I will never die quietly either, no matter how hard others try.
    I love this poem, and I love you for the you that you are.
    In fact, I think you already know that.
    I will miss you if I have to leave for the few months that I'll have to go into hiding, if I have to go at all.
    Let's hope not. Let's hope I will be here forever.
    Love and peace always,
    Jin


  • Swangrnv gold member
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    jesus..

    what can i say, but the obvious? this is excellent!!
    Lane i don't even like cigarettes but the thought of u
    needing one?..i'd travel to china, by foot, blindfolded
    in the dead of night, during a blizzard..if it would satisfy your yearning.. wowed again!!


  • apoeticinjustice gold member
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    there's no fun in dying quietly...let's go howling at the moon!

    very good writing, love the vignettes.

    Rory


  • DropDeadDreaming
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Real

    Nice job with this!! I love every single part of this poem. It is wonderfully illustrated in a a real tone. Great!


  • abbadon
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    good

    but, when you think you know theres only one cig left, then you look over and there isnt any left,
    that just sucks nuggets, man.


  • george the 23rd
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "It is such a pain
    in the ass

    to lay in bed at night
    knowing

    there is only one cigarette

    left in the pack

    and a poem
    screaming inside my head."


    One of my least favorite sensations on earth! It always takes at least 3. One at the beginning, one at the end, and a third for when you wake up in the morning! You always pull at the heartstrings in one way or another, Lane. Thank you for sharing your words with me. (all of us!)


  • Balldinger silver member
    December 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Green or Black?

    this is the Jack Sherman of all poetic stance. It reels in Byzantine delight, coils it on solid silver, and capitulates back into mezzanine-layered potentiality. We're ready for "iv" when you are...

  • strangerforeigner
    December 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    very well done. i rejoice that there are poets in the world with the gift of brevity.


  • gypsy camp
    December 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    now i have points.


  • JohnnyD gold member
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A superb write-simply superb

    "I always knew
    my heart
    was made of muscle."

    Used to believe the same thing when I was young-
    but when you age a while- you'll discover they are constructed of

    memories' emotions.

    but yeah- nice- well done


  • silverscent gold member
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My favourite bit was the first...the idea of the heart not being breakable is a stong image. All of it was amazing as always, but that part spoke to me more.
    Best of luck in the contest.


  • tara wilson gold member
    December 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply



    this is awesome Lane...wow...

  • A Prophet of 3 gold member
    December 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    now ... this impresses me ...


    • Dalaney gold member
      December 14, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Proph...glad I could oblige

      • A Prophet of 3 gold member
        December 15, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        oblige? fuck that ... i didn't ask you for nothing, but this honestly walked down the centerline of a busy highway laughing at all the terrified faces passing by in the opposite direction ...


  • csmmoms2
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    A lover's lament

    So you say
    that the world
    will keep on turnin'
    so you say

    so you say
    the stars
    won't loose their mystery
    so you say

    and when the lights go down
    just...remember when
    so you you say
    -c


  • notorious gold member
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Good god. Do you ever sit in your chair and read your millions of comments and think, "Wow, when Jessica finally has sex at a reasonable-age-that-definitely-isn't-now-
    or-even-soon, she's going to use the F-word EVEN MORE OFTEN on my poetry?!"

    Well fuck me.
    You probably have never thought that,
    but...
    this poem is fucking fantastic.

    I love how in that first vignette everything flows so well
    and leads up to the inevitably PERFECT, "I always knew/my heart/was made of muscle."

    Also, I really loved the way you used 'yet' and 'even'; both are really short and simple words that have this huge fucking impact on the tone of this poem.

    "and a poem
    screaming inside my head."
    I hate cigarettes (particularly when some old person is smoking right in my face), but I love the frustration you create in mention of them and the poem screaming inside your head...
    ...I have poems screaming inside me all the time and I don't know what do because I can't even remember all of them...gah.
    Anyways, loved that line - I feel like you can make me feel what you're feeling, even if it's totally different.

    Third vignette...moons!
    That is so you.

    "I will never die
    quietly."
    I agree, but you're not dying any time soon.
    What a fucking perfect ending - you always make me think of you in your endings. It kills me with impact.

    Jessica

  • chels-ea
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahh, yet another beautiful peice of work from you! I was wondering if you'd check out some of my stuff and let me know what you think. Thanks if you do.


  • CaliOkie silver member
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Do not go quietly . . . it seems that we do not get over the getting over, not really. With a wayward memory, old wounds gape afresh. With tears we pour in the salt. Empty in the night, we look into the cold dark and wonder how it ever came to be this way -- had we ever seen the sun?

    Excellent.

    Garrison


  • tomisb
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Memories go to dust and alchol helps have an excuse for 'stupid.' I have never figured out why I smoke but I am always in line for the next cigarette and poetry is to often like a fire flashing pixie, tantalizing and just out of reach. Death is not a choice and I would never want to see you stop living even when the moments are stolen from you.

    I can taste you in my dust and know that it is a remanant from a yesteryear that should have been cleaned out before this adventure. It matters little or not at all since I never have questioned the rightness of it. I like the pimentos sweetness, regardless of its surroundings. Being stupid is easy. Sharing the smell of our delight -- a way to make the moon a pearl in the sky.

    Love, Tom B.


  • HaleyMary
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Beautiful write, Lane. I really liked the first stanza. It makes me think of how even in the worst times, when people go through heartbreak, when people look at life from a realistic viewpoint, they can see that eventually things worked out for the best because if people see another person's true colors and if it isn't pretty, then one might ask what they were trying to get over in the first place. Thanks for sharing your talent and best of luck in the contest.


  • Luna Tique Fringe
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i am partial to vignettes...and here you've done them so well..they flow so easily with a common thread to hold them together and yet each can stand alone..that was the more 'technical' side of my comment..

    now for the other side...everything about this is just right..the mood, the emotion, a feast of poetic images


  • MJ Donnelly gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I viewed a movie today entitled, "Americano," a fascinating story surrounding adult friends as they traveled through Spain, which I highly recommend, if you have not already seen it.

    The reason I mention this is because; your poem made me think of the passion that was portrayed between two of the characters in the movie.

    Your zest for life is intoxicating Lane, to say the least, now go...rent the movie, because you'll laugh, cry and cheer.


    With much love,
    mj.


  • arafura gold member
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great writing. You are a wonderful wordsmith!

  • Rowan gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You couldn't be boring if you tried.
    it's all been said, but I'll say it again, you're damn good at this. lol.


  • OctoberCrush
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Oh my Gosh...this might be my favorite from you..

    <3 that's amazing.

  • Just a poet gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You tell me you have writer's block and then "WHAM" you drip perfect poetry onto us. You have made these short three part cantos something of a signature and this is a delicious example.
    3 changes of mood, I still don't approve of the cigarette in the second part and I have two reasons to feel jealous in part 3, last night should have been the largest brightest moon there can be and it poured with rain all night so I couldn't see it and feel the ache. And I didn't have a sweet taste of your sex for compensation

    A lovely poem and no, I don't think there is any danger of you dying quietly, and I hope you don't die noisily for a VERY VERY long time!

  • gypsy camp
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    im pretty sure this rawks a lot. you are fantastic. i hope you know that.


  • Cannonsfire
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh god please don't ever die at all, I'd miss these words to much C


  • PerVirtuous
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am reminded that in the Marquis de Sade's books the characters never say "I'm cumming" they say "I'm dying." I always wondered about that. Fascinating subject, death. The death of a dream, an idea, a relationship, a love... although I do not believe love ever dies at all, it only adapts. I think you capture this here quite well. Have some bunnies.


  • ariazephyrzoe gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    they said it all...no one else can write the way you do...wish I can but I can't and can never...I'd rather read it from you.

    ii...is so damn good!


  • Aussie Gypsy gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Can I stand in line for Lady L's muse. We are all unique in our own right but we want to be unique just like you Superb again my sweet


  • Matt Holck
    December 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    reasuring


  • Pure Thought silver member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I leaned against a lamp post
    and drifted off to sleep.
    When I awoke
    you had painted my world
    in flavors of tangerine,
    pomegranate red and
    peach brandy.
    Flavors I will never forget.


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    *WAH* this is amazing...I wanna steal it from you...so much heart in this and truth and just everything rolled up into one..you manage to describe feelings the way no one else can.

    so when is your poetry book coming out?




  • DolceVito gold member
    December 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    WOW

    Super cool write...So the trick is to have one cigarette left...I panic and get writer’s block when I’m down to my last pack of Marlboros.


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    December 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have been kinda quiet lately, kinda sleepy... your poetry continuing, the way it does, with us readers wondering what stokes the fires... and then, when we are lulled into a false sense of security, you let fly with both barrels.

    And it is something SO damned simple.

    The images... that blisteringly straight-to-the-point auto-erotic image for one.

    This phrase too: "even when truth snapped my bones in two".

    The title... down but not out, and with a wry sense of humour.

    k-c, life is to short to stuff an olive, but not to read you.


  • Disturbed Prodigy
    December 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    that last part of this poem just showed me a strength, that made me smile, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest


  • lunarlunacy
    December 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    that second stanza was fuckin dead on


  • Angelflower
    December 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Can I steal your muse?

    Amazing!


  • Cerulean Sunrise gold member
    December 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply


    How do you write like that? I wanna learn.

1 - 50 of 50