It's kinda hard to think about
Christmas.
When someone you love is,
dying, in the next room.
When the weight of all your family's
greif,
falls to the shoulders of the empath.
When you're trying to think,
but all you can see is the present:
the woman you're named for,
dying, in the next room.
Then the future,
and the woman who named you,
dying, in the next room.
And the woman that you will name,
watching you,
dying, in the next room.
It's kinda hard to think about Christmas.
When all you can see is death.
Author notes
My grandmother is currently laying on her death bed. She's dying from old age, and a genetic disease, dementia. My mother, might also inherit this disease and I'll have to go through the past 9 years all over again. And if it's this way, I will have to put my own future children through the past 9 years of my life as they take care of me until I decide I've had enough and stop eating. I might not wait 9 years. I don't think I can put my children through what I've been through. They might not even have to go through it with my mother, they might be too young. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's really effecting me. I look at my grandmother and I see my mother and myself. We all have the same name and we all have the same personalities and traits. We are incarnations of each other and I can only pray that I am as good a mother to my children when I do decide to have kids as my grandmother and mother are. I love them both intensely and this is killing me inside knowing that I have to go through this again.
my grandmother died the day after i wrote this
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