...like so, we lay him in the ground.
He said that this way he might fall head first into Hell,
and break his neck- and die
and then have another shot at Heaven.
He is wearing his face-paint, Red, red, red Oh so red.
And a braided leather necklace given to him in a more serious moment-
dangles above his lips
The coffin splays open,
and a honking goose and stifled cat clamber over the edge of the grave and out.
We shut the coffin.
A contest entry
- Pick a word - Write a poem in 10 lines or less (E) by The Fun House.
1050 points, ended December 14, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I don't like the edit. I liked the way you wrote it originally and I think you should change it back
Carrie -
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okay boss.
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I have to be honest with you, that first line...it's horrible. It's like you are chatting on the phone or something. The rest of the poem is fine, I think the imagery is good and you could most likey make it into a story effectively but the first line just totally takes away from it.
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I think the "like so" could be misread as a slangy, unnecessary modifier to "we lay him in the ground. I intended it to read "This is the way that we laid him in the ground, like so." If I changed the line to read that way, do you think my idea would be more clear? Or do you still think that it would be "on the phone" sounding?
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Ah, I see. Yes, I think this works much better
It has a better tone setting to me now. A whole new feel 
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"He said that this way he might fall head first into Hell,
and break his neck- and die
and then have another shot at Heaven."
This line brings me back to what you said about my piece, I wanted to laugh, and I did, but then I immediately felt guilty for finding humor amidst the seriousness. I cannot understand the full significances of the piece, because it means something to you and not as much to me, but I can appreciate the way you wrote it down. It was morbid, beautiful and a bit depressing as well.
Carrie
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