Here~
In the absence of dreams
rather than their aftermath;
where the shadows scream
like dying stars.
Everything is bright
and mad white,
save for the red rose
lying in the road.
Pale expanse
of cold white
lifting sheets
of bright light;
and explode against the softness,
the shadows in the seams;
white.
where the rainbow dreams.
In a list
What did you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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The beginning began well, and though 'dying stars' could possibly be a tad too dramatic, I was hooked wondering what all the abstract symbols/metaphors at the beginning (the dreams, the aftermath and the screaming shadows) would be revealed to be. And then it hit. A red rose on a white road.
I'm sorry but I had a face-palm reaction. Even the white sheets metaphor and the language of strophe 3 couldn't save it for me. That bit about the red rose just killed my enjoyment/curiosity dead. Well, maybe some curiosity was left, but it was more morbid than anything else. Perhaps there is any image, any other symbol, that would work in this context and which could serve as an alternate to "red rose lying in the road"?
Perhaps you knew exactly what you were doing when you used that cliche in the poem, but then I can only say that it's probably that I'm not the intended reader for this piece. I guess what I mean to say is, you have a brilliant message here and some fantastic skills with language. So much that I feel the poem should be pulling more originality and power than it currently is.
Anyhow, just some thoughts. Good luck writing and keep typing!
Nocturn -
quietly beautiful. I love the easy read of the lines, and the ample flow, all in rhythem, the imagery is beautiful.
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This is really beautifully worded.
I really wanted to contribute some contructive criticisms so that I feel usefull. but I really can't think of anything that could add to this. it's such an incredible poem.
the only thing I can say is that, I did stumble over the "mad white" phrase at first, but I reread it and it fit perfectly
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well its nice and all .. but. its not a lisa poem.
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What a brilliant way to write about the break-up of a relationship! You probably know how many "I can't go on without you" poems there are posted on this site. What a refreshing difference this one is! And yet it still gets all those feelings across, like how you feel you will go insane from the pain and emptiness. Oh, I have to bookmark this. It is beautiful. The last lines are amazing.
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This is so nice. It's imagery is so vivid. Great work.
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YOU have a way with words~To be seen and also heard
Beauty
Big hugs
and much love~Desire 
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lute be good at this stuff....
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I especially loved the line where rainbows dream. A splendid visual. But of course, not to overlook the red rose in the middle of the road. Stark. Clear. Splendid! Thanks Lute for allowing me the pleasure of such a spectacular write.
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Is this a sequel to black?
It is not quite the opposite.
It is a little melancoly to start
but picks up a bit verve as develops
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<---- lying in road.
Those dying stars, that glow white as they die. They are so far away that they are already dead when we see them, aren't they?
Something like that. Perilously close to another history of the Cosmos. Just kinda hoping he ain't gonna go through the entire Dulux catalog. <---- special spelling just for you.
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Almost monocromatic
white upon bright white
how long since the shadows left?
ah! rose white rose red
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~Blush~ That is beautiful Lute, soft and smooth it reads well. I love the last line the best, not as it is the end as it seems so bright and pretty!
Thank you
Lakota x -
This is the second poem in a row that I didnt understnad. Anyway, yesh I like the way that this poem is set up and stuff. I like when they are creative which yours is. Anyway, keep writing.
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