Adult and violent themes, do not read if you are easily hurt by such images. You have been warned. Thanks.
The author
SHOCKING SHORTS
Epitaph For A Silenced Author
Here lies the Satirist Yemassee.
The sword was mightier than his pen,
but his pen was mightier than he.
Dinner with Captain Bob (7-01)
We begin where else but, in the middle:
Captain Bob was a filling meal. Lady MacCauley especially enjoyed the ribs. Sir Eaton, was not hungry but enjoyed watching Edith dine.
"I do believe I have room for a little more!" proclaimed Lady MacCauley, her eyes sparkling as she focused on a specific part of Captain Bob.
Suddenly Lady MacCauley shouted excitedly; pointing to the remains of Captain Bob, "Look, his thing, it's alive!"
Sure enough his thing had come to life. A small package wriggled on top of Captain Bob's mid-section. While Sir Eaton seemed alarmed at this development, Lady MacCauley appeared somewhat intrigued.
"It's growing!" Edith uttered, with a curious smile on her face; and indeed it was becoming bigger.
Lady Macaulay tentatively poked at the package with a fork and it momentarily stood erect. She licked her lips and then giggled like a woman much younger than her 35 years--Sir Eaton noticed Edith's definite interest in the tumid object and quickly called for his guards, two muscular, mustachioed midgets in pantaloons.
"Remove that package from Captain Bob" commanded Eaton.
The two guards looked at each other with trepidation. Neither was in a hurry to severe the package from Bob's care;
"But sire, 'tis unnatural" the second of the two midgets said in a show of vain defense.
The first midget contributed, "But your Eminence, T'was Captain Bob's prized possession."
"Foolishness" said Eaton. "It's just his snake!" and with that, the package suddenly burst open and a Reticulated Python reared its eager head.
"Oh, a snake," spoke Lady MacCauley, with an obviously disappointed tone in her voice.
This was a true story.
Bibby (2002)
There once was a Kangaroo named Bibby who was the most resourceful marsupial of them all. One day while searching for a noontime snack of grub worms, Bibby got caught in an old wire fence along the outback.
Bibby got panicky--he went nuts out of fear...He was an emotionally troubled kangaroo and he hated to be restrained. He started kicking and screaming like a wild banshee. Bibby had that Australian independent streak; Bibby was determined to be free.
Evening came and with Aussie determination Bibby finally escaped...He'd freed himself by gnawing off his legs.
This was a true story.
Pajama Party (2002)
"Pajama Party!" the girls all screamed in unison as they jumped up and down, giggling with glee.
Betty the hostess shrieked, "Truth or Dare!" and the girls all huddled into a tight circle. Betty then pointed to Millie and questioned,
"Truth or Dare?"
"I don't think that's how it's played." Millie innocently laughed.
"What do you mean, 'that isn't how it's played?'"
"I mean. don't you ask a question first and then say, 'Truth or Dare?'"
"Listen," retorted Betty in a stern tone, "It's my fucking house and I'll do what I God damn' please...got it?"
The other girls were silent. The huddled close together, afraid of Betty's sudden strong manner.
That night as Millie walked home she was suddenly grabbed by two dainty hands that forcibly dragged her into some near by bushes.
The next morning, a brief search for Millie found her bound and gagged behind a row of hedges...she'd been tarred and feathered and on her forehead was stuck a note, "Never dare me, bitch!"
And this, was a true story.
The Elephant Man (2001)
"My head is whole big. It's whole full of dreams."
So spoke the flawed Elephant man as he proudly proclaimed his desire to be complete.
He was very tired after a day of reading and pondering life's verities and he laid down on the hospital lawn. He pulled a green blanket over his swollen, disfigured body so as to keep warm and though not intending to, he quickly fell asleep.
To sleep on his back was potentially fatal for the Elephant Man since it made it difficult for him to breathe. He never got the chance to suffocate, because 5 minutes after nodding off, a big eared, naive 18 year old; earning a few bucks to buy a new computer so as to hack into Miss Joan Smithers, (aged 79) Savings Account at the First National Bank and Trust, inadvertently drove a power mower over the sleeping Elephant Man.
"Whoops!" muttered Big Ears as he rolled like Rommel through Egypt over John Merrick with the John Deere riding mower.
Now Ole Ugly never would be whole .
This was a true story
Laughter Is The Best Medicine (2008)
I sent this anecdote for publication to "Readers Digest" but for some reason it was rejected. That's unfortunate because I think it's amusing.
When my nephew was three, his mother had a pregnant cat. Little David was anxious to see the new, "Kiffens" as he called them and was always asking when he could "see them." We always told him that the kittens were in the mommies belly and would come out when they were ready.
One day my sister asked me to look after David, and of course I said, "Yes."
It was a quiet Saturday afternoon and I sat on the couch and watched television while David peacefully played with his toys on the livingroom rug. Television always makes me sleepy and soon I was asleep for who knows how long. Eventually I awoke and David was no where to be seen. Alarmed, I stood up and yelled for the boy, who after a moment came out of the back room, with a bloody butcher knife in his hand. "I immediately grabbed for the knife and inspected David from head to foot, but finding him unharmed, I asked him what he was doing with the knife. Not prepared for the logic of a three year old, I was more than a little nonplussed when, "I wanted to see the kiffens," was David's seeming non sequitur.
Trying to solve the mystery I walked down the hall to my sister's bedroom where I found her cat Mittens, bloodied and gutted, and beside her body, four tiny kittens, their matted, lifeless bodies huddled together, in what must have been an instinctive attempt to stay warm.
At first I was angry, but then proud of my nephew for being so curious. Not every child that young would have been so resourceful. I had to just shake my head and scruff his hair and laugh, "You're impatient just like your mom!" I took him by the hand and went outside, into the shed where I grabbed two spades and we spent the next hour bonding while digging five shallow holes.
Kids, what are you going to do with them!
Ding-a-Ding (2002)
A Corporate Fairy Tale
There was a trip planned by all the cogs and sprockets. Ding-a-Ding the happy wing nut was pleased as punch to go along for the ride. Whenever things went well he chimed in with the rest, "This is awesome, amazing, I can't wait until next year!" He spit out a plethora of hyperbole, adjectives and trite, malodorous jargon. He had indeed perfected his party-line vocabulary. As such, he was a happy little fruitcake.
In the end it became all about "them." Ding-a-Ding became so obsessed with his inclusion that he went verily bat loopy and one day--walked out in the middle of busy rush hour traffic where he sat down in the middle of a busy intersection where a pot smoking hippie, doing his best to turn on and tune out, clipped him with his '73 VW van. Ding-a-Ding didn't die from his contact with the tie dyed "keep on trucker" but he did sue the poor society dropout for pain and suffering and got his lone possession of "value," his '73 VW van.
Did the Cogs and Sprockets show their sympathy for the devoted, debilitated Wing Nut? In truth they cared not for poor clingy Ding-a-Ding. They were too busy intentionally transposing numbers in their dirty little Balance Sheets thus making the refutable crimson numbers appear indubitably pitch-black.
Another tale extracted literally from life.
Just Like Yesterday (2001)
I remember it just like it was yesterday. The kitten jumped up and down, such a cute ball of fur. He made me giggle, that fluffy little kitten.
I chortled with gleeful anticipation:
"Mommy can we keep him. please, please, please. I'll feed him and clean him and teach him tricks. I'll call him Mittens--and I'll love him forever--can we keep him, please ?"
"No, we can't keep him. I don't even want you, let alone a damn cat, you miserable, insufferable son of Satan!"
Yes, I remember it just like it was yesterday, except yesterday I spent the entire day eyeing my neighbor's lawn jockey. You mark my words, "I will have that lawn jockey...it will be mine!"
A sad but true story.
Its Not Real! (3/22/02)
I tried to tell my friend on the telephone that it was real!
"It's real, can't you hear me?, it's real, it's real, it's real!"
She tried to reason with me, to get me to understand that it was just my anxiety and that this metaphor was untrue. She was familiar with my insecurities and knew how to address them.
I wanted so badly to agree with my intelligent, reasoning friend, thus I repeated, for us both to hear and to acquiesce, "It's not real, it's not real, no, it's not real!"
Still, whenever I look within me to the furthest depths of my soul, I see that insidious beast clamoring to escape while screaming its hideous imprecations. It bellows, seeming truths that I dread mentioning aloud. Presentiments of my bleak future and rudiments of my ignominious past. These verities are often irrational in expression but they seem completely sane.
I just need to keep telling myself, above the screeching of this rapacious creature; this infernal hirudinean which threatens to usurp its host, that it is indeed, not real!
Yes, I can see now it is all just a manifestation...
I just hope that beast accepts my rationalization.
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Elsie The Sue Happy Cow Haiku (2002 & 2004)
Cow goes: Moo, moo, moo!
Farmer gets his big fat pail
Cow goes: Ooh, ooh, ooh!
"What kind of story is that?" screamed Elsie the sue happy cow, staring out of her pen."
"Its just a haiku. I thought it was funny." replied farmer Brown.
"It's speciesist."
"Speciesist?" asked Farmer Brown.
"Yes, you know, like "racist." You're a Speciesist, I ought to report you."
"Please don't report me Elsie, I apologize. What can I do to make it right?"
"Well, you could sign the farm over to me."
"The Farm? What would I do? I'd be homeless."
"Better than prison, if I report you!"
Just then a large roof beam (Farmer Brown had spent so much money on Elsie's upkeep that the farm had fallen into disrepair) fell on Farmer Brown's head--killing him instantly. His son Egbert inherited the farm. He hated cows--he was a Speciesist. He had his lackey, Brownie, the one tooth lap dog nip Elsie's heels every day.
The moral--stop frivolous lawsuits, Democrats are akin to Communists and the devil always gets his due.
Brought to you by the Republican Party.
Testimonials
"Yemassee's wit sparkles like an effervescent stream of pitch black tar."
The Kennebec Daily adviser
"I have known many great writers in my time...and I have also known Yemassee."
John Updike, novelist
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The End Is Near (7/10/01)
by
Dis Islaim
If you're like me, you probably find it a laborious task wading through all the writings here at Stories. What could be worse than reading a long story only to find out that the ending is implausible, derivative, or simply a boring waste of your precious time?
Well, I've come up with a solution to help you speed up the reading process. In the past you had only one choice and that was to skim over the writing. Starting today, my stories will be reader-friendly. I've made skimming obsolete because, from now on, I'm only writing the endings. No longer will you have to worry about complicated character development or concern yourself with an over abundance of monotonous dialog. Why wait for something in a story to occur. When you read my endings it's already happening. I won't try to build your suspense because neither you nor I have the time. I won't falsely excite your emotions to a fevered pitch just to disappoint you with an ending that didn't follow the premise. No obscure symbolism, laborious metaphors or ironic twists. It will immediately happen in black and white, ready for you to enjoy. What more could today's attention deficit disordered readers ask!
So without further ado I bring to you my first ending, entitled:
JACK SLADE'S QUICK FIX
The bullet shot through the left side of his skull, shredding it into a million shards. It exited the right side in a shower of crimson. Shorty collapsed to the ground in a pool of his own blood. The woman in black looked at the fallen Mafioso, then back at detective Jack Slade, "I told you it would come to this," she said. "Have you forgotten what I told you that day in the bar?" Jack Slade, replaced the gun in his side holster, he remembered their conversation only too well.
THE END
News Flash (2002)
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*Tokyo* - They marched by moonlight, thousands of them. Bloodshot eyes and steaming nostrils, their Moos echoed across the Sea of Japan to the Pacific Ocean. Udders flapping majestically, the bovines paraded through Yokohama---plotting occupation of Tokyo by dawn.
Radioactive fallout produced an Ubercow, one bent on man's destruction.
Nietzsche had no idea....
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The Gift Of Life (2005)
Lamech jumped into his father's lap, "I love you papa," he said, kissing the old man on his forehead. The father smiled, but a tear streaked down his weathered cheek. He knew that one day his son, like everyone he'd ever loved, would leave him.
God's gift to Methuselah was a heavy weight to bear.
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JELLYSTONE JUDAS (2005)
He was smarter than your average bear. That is what the big blowhard was always bragging about. So I put the fool to the test by trapping him in a cage and pelting him with sharp edged stones. With the first shot that rebounded off his thick skull, he began to run around helplessly imploring, "Hey. hey, what did I ever do to you?" My reply was to hurl another sharp rock in the baboon's direction.
Just as planned, Ranger Smith drove up to where we were and took from the back of his pickup truck a picnic basket. He waved the container in front of the fiend and asked, "Does this look familiar to you?" And not waiting for an answer, smashed the basket over the beast's head. The straw shards, marshmallow fluff sandwiches, twinkies and flower patterned napkins flew in all directions, quickly followed by the beast, who spun on one foot, halted momentarily, before unceremoniously crashing, into a heap. He looked up for but a moment, managing to utter faintly, "Et Tu Boo Boo?" He then closed his eyes and entered his final dream of who knows what....
Ranger Smith paid me off with a basketful of goodies; treats I'll surely use tonight when I go to visit Yogi's girl, Cindy Bear. I'm sure once with me Cindy will be sure to see that Yogi was nothing but a very average bear.
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Raison d'etre (2006)
(A Shocking Short)
An enraged elephant burst into flame, its thick hide cast black, carcinogenic plumes of smoke into the air.
Across the river, a Lion imploded, creating a black hole that sucked in everything within a fifty foot radius.
In Zaire, scientists blamed global warming.
In Washington, Spin Doctors for the President blamed terrorists.
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The Old Bag (2006)
(A Shocking Short)
A muffled shout arose from a wriggling bag. A man untied the stringed top and an old woman's head popped out.
The man looked calm but said,
You lied to me. You stink at this!
The woman, angered, replied,
Mayne, this isn't what I thought when you asked if I was good in the sack!
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katzenjammers (2006)
(A Shocking Short)
A wild eyed, maniacal feline bounded up to me on its hind legs and began spouting,
I don't know if you know this but they're planning you a birthday party, yes siree! It's all hush hush but I heard 'em talkin!
I looked around and asked,
Who let the cat out of the bag?
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A Pretty Poem To Ponder (2006)
In Springtime the tulips commence to grow
and I in suspenders reach for the hoe
I hack them, I whack them, I want them to know
That I am the star of this freakin' show!
For a tulip is as pretty as a flower can be
and in contrast they are prettier than little ole me.
so I chop at their stem, like I'm felling a tree
and tee off on their buds like an insane Michelle Wie.
For there can only be one perfect thing of grace
and no tulip shall ever hold down that damned place
And if you think, there's a meaning more deep,
go read something else you son of a "BEEP!"
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Athens 430 BC (Fiction, 2006)
The Dionysia was eagerly anticipated by all the residents of Athens. Chariot races, marksmanship, arm-to arm combat and hot dog eating contests were just a few of the much favored events.
One such event, was the wet tee shirt contest, where men and women alike took part with equal relish. But no one was prepared when a Jumbo Hot dog streaked across the Ancient Greek stage,
"Mechanical separation of beef from bone is murder!" he yelled, flaunting his natural machismo. Just then a lady grabbed him and strapped him to a nearby Eunuch, her eyes grew wide, as the corners of her mouth curled upward and oozed a drizzle of spittle.
"Not again!" moaned the Foot long,
"Yo, Aphrodite, don't include me in your disgusting Grecian fantasies!" the angry frankfurter warned, wishing he'd chosen the Acropolis for his social protest.
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Flight (2007)
"I know I can fly," spoke David, Who'd suddenly sprouted wings. "It's
a gift from God, I know I can fly."
His wife knew he couldn't.
He practiced for days, first jumping off a stump, then a sawhorse,
and finally off Rover's doghouse.
Finally the day of the big flight arrived, a small group of friends
watched as David stood on the edge of his barn roof. His wife called
the police, but they were intrigued by the event and stood watching.
David suddenly stepped off the roof, beat his wings furiously and...
The ending depends entirely upon your convictions.Logic or faith? You decide.
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Fire & Ice (& Frost) (2006)
"The sky's falling!" he yelled, as large glass-like chunks crashed around him. A woman shrieked as ice fragments showered downward. "Don't scream!" the man warned, and his words crystallized, breaking into small shards. "What's happening?" She whispered, dodging a cascade of frost. I don't know," he spoke cautiously...this time his words burst into flame.
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Frankenstein's Monsters (2007)
Holy Moses!" yelled Johnny Appleseed, unable to come to grips with the snarling, human sized apple gesticulating menacingly in front of him.
At the same time, somewhere in the Midwest, a horde of hot dogs were
tearing Oscar Mayer from limb to limb.
Meanwhile, at a local McDonald's restaurant, hamburgers leaped from the grill, eyes flaring, fat dripping, pronouncing vengeance, a Golem made of 70% lean....
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A Modest Proposal Redux (April, 2008)
I think that it is really plain
(and don't go calling me insane)
I think the next thing we should steal
is a cute cuddly harbor seal
Now I ain't got much use for one
But stealing one I think is fun
we'd stick it in a paper sack
and bury it somewhere out back
What? Is that such a shocking thing?
It's not like it's a human being
For them, I have ideas by jove!
I'd cook them on the kitchen stove.
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Hunger...A Silly Triolet (June 2008)
My neighbor, she is like a peach
her soft, ripe skin...what can I do?
if just this moment I dared to reach
My neighbor, she is like a peach
one taste, could I now beseech?
with carrots I would cook her in a stew
My neighbor, she is like a peach
her soft, ripe skin...what can I do?
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IT (Late May, 2008)
"So help me clown-boy, if you enter one more stupid story, one more of your 'cute' little 'non-entries' in my contest, then as God is my witness I'll rip down that freakin' curtain that I risked my damned life on a teetering stepladder to hang, and with my bare hands I'll tie it around your scrawny chicken neck and choke the living hell out of you!"
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a haiku (8/15/08)
piano wire
plays victories' tune
mussolini's silent dance
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gasping (8/20/08)
truth's mouth held wide
agape in munsch-like scream--
silence fills space
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(An old Cowboybobellis piece, circa 2006)
An X or Two
XXXXIXXXX
XXThinkXXX
XXXmostXX
XXpoetryXX
XXXXisXXXX
XimprovedX
XXbyXanXX
X
XXXXorXXX
XX
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Sister Girlfriend (11/22/08)
Dreams Of My Sister Girlfriend
If I wake tomorrow morn
to some diabolical sin,
I would lief cut off my head,
than admit that we are kin.
And if by chance the knife were dull
I would find a deep dug well
and pray to God there's water within
to escape this inbred Hell.
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The Man Who Laughs (1928)---A Nip And Tuck Song (12/01/08)
This Christmas, dear Santa,
I want to become a Comprachico clown
for then I could not be sad,
I could never wear a frown.
If you will only make them,
this Christmas, come around
I could then look happy,
the happiest man in town!
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Dead Things (2001)
Dead things, they don't grow-
They all died long ago.
Dead things on the brink-
Stone cold, they don't think.
Dead things on my mind-
Now forgotten, left behind.
Dead things gone to hell-
gone to pot--down the well.
Dead things--like your heart-
like my love--torn apart.
Dead things--cast aside-
like your soul , like my pride.
Dead things--mortar and stone-
Shattered dreams, broken bone.
Dead things--by cover of night-
drop you in without a fight.
Dead things--out of sight-
buried deep--burdened light.
Dead things--like our dreams-
Like your prayers and your screams.
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My Second Valentine Poem: Dingos on Valetine's Day (Feb. 2009)
The dingo shakes it's bloody prey
tossed from here to Hades
Even if it gets away,
Cupid will still have rabies.
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My First 2009 Valentine's Day Poem (Feb 2009)
A tiny cage
a pile of rocks
10 for a dollar
the crowd flocks.
a line forms
across the block
still more
stand and gawk.
I'm first up
I pay my buck
in that cage
Cupid can't duck!
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Farmer Dale Anroy's Halloween Extravaganza (Fiction)
A pumpkin patch was no place for Farmer Dale and his wife to be on a cool, crisp Halloween evening. But there was Dale, pocket knife in hand, carving Jack-O'-Lanterns like his life depended on it.
"Hon!" shouted his wife, "How long we gotta stay out here?"
"'Til I finish, woman!" he yelled, never taking his eyes from his work.
Mildred, familiar with her husband's idiosyncrasies waited patiently.
A few minutes later Dale folded his knife and put it away. "Millie, get the kids and dogs, it's time!"
A short while later Old Lady Seekins was driving by Dale Anroy's farm when her headlights lighted upon a peculiar sight: Eight people and four dogs running aimlessly around the Anroy's garden, bumping into each other...And each wore over his head a hollow pumpkin with the eyes, nose and mouth crudely cut out.
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