Bonko's Spam Alert (Fiction, 5/15/02)

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Rocco the not-that-strong muscleman and Binky the lukewarm clown met for their usual midnight tryst. Her husband Bonko the half-pint clown was fast asleep thanks to the two liter bottle of Moxie  that mysteriously found its way into Bonko’s trailer. Binky knew that her husband was addicted to the bitter gentian root and always protected her husband from his disease.

"Did you get Seclusaval? asked Binky to her paramour.

"Now you know darn well that I got the sequel to Judith Bensaddi. No way I'd forget Ruffner's tale of inter-racial marriage!

"Well I didn’t know, it’s possible that you might've  forgotten it.”

"Well I didn’t, what do you have on the checklist so far?

Cincinnati Address delivered at Washington College and The Kanawha Mountains”

Oh, those are good and....”

Rocco never got a chance to finish that statement because just then a gigantic Spam Sandwich with lots of mayo burst in on them!

"Where’s the gold, hear me? Where’s the gold!"

"Gold, we don't have any gold. We've been working on Henry Ruffner's check list, that's all."

"Ruffner?" screamed the sandwich,  Then in a calmer tone he asked, "Did you get Seclusaval?"

"No way I'd forget Secl..."

"I want gold, not no 19th century Southern sentimental hogwash!" interrupted the Spam Sandwich.

Without waiting for Rocco's rebuttal, The Spam Sandwich with lots of mayo grabbed Rocco's left arm and ripped it from his body and proceeded to pound it fatally over the head of the now helpless Binky. The Spam Sandwich then grabbed the Henry Ruffner Checklist, stuffed it in his mouth and ran from the trailer, screaming a horrific obscenity,

"Where's the Gold? I want gold! Not @$!&#*% checklists...Gold! "

A crowd of carnival workers soon gathered to watch the insane sandwich run from trailer to trailer screaming his monomaniacal question. At one point Trigger, the God-cheating, should-already-be Glue horse, thinking the sandwich was a dandelion, rose on his front legs, precariously balanced himself and tried to do battle with the crazed Spam sandwich. Frantically kicking with his hind legs, trigger fell off balance and crashed to the ground. The maniacal sandwich grabbed his front left leg, ripped it from his body and beat the deluded horse senseless.

Just then Sally, the really, really short evil midget clown happened to be returning from some particularly heinous crime; she walked into the fracas only to be met by the insane Spam sandwich,

"Where is the Gold?"

"What ta’ #$@%&! you talkin’ about!" shouted the evil midget.

The Spam sandwich grabbed the midget’s left arm, ripping it from her body and proceeded to pummel the midget beyond an inch of her life!

This went on for an hour, he’d encounter a carny worker, rip his/her left arm off and then pummel the poor uni-armed individual.

Finally there were no more left arms to be torn from available bodies and the Evil Spam sandwich went into a cataleptic fit and slumped to the ground,

"Uhhh, Gold, wa--nt G--old, don't want no Ruffner checklist, n--o Cooke, no Pendleton Kenn--edy, and certainly not no W. G. Simms--me want Go--"

and with that dying invective, the Spam Sandwich with lots of mayo was no more.

Bonko awoke to chirping birds and the sun's warm rays on his face as they stole in from his trailer window. He rose from his bed, whistling Sweet Georgia Brown, only to exit his trailer and find the horrific sight; mangled bodies and bloody, detached left arms everywhere, including the dried up body of the Spam Sandwich.

After getting over the shock, Bonko, a rationalist by nature, knew that soon the bodies would begin to stink. He had a lot of work ahead of him; cleaning up the circus grounds and burying all those bodies wouldn't be easy--but that was okay with Bonko because he had two good arms and wasn't afraid to work.

That night Bonko headed over to the local freak show for his appointed assignation with his lover Beatrice, the tick-infested, bearded fat lady.

"Too bad about your wife--she was a good woman. I hate to see a lady go like that."

"Yeah, Binky was one of a kind--but I got a good woman!"

Beatrice giggled and asked,

"You got the William Gilmore Simms checklist on you?"

"You bet I have my fuzzy face fungus--want to work on it?

"That's why I asked Honey Munchkins."

Bonko took the checklist out of his left front pocket; carefully spread it out on the table and asked,

"You got "The Yemassee?"

"Now mini-sweetums, you know I got Simms most famous novel!"

"Well I didn't know but maybe you'd forgotten about it, "my little wooin' whiskers of Love.'"

"Now how am I going to forget that one, my teenie tiny sugar cube?"

Without warning, in burst a small horde of medium sized Vienna Sausages, dripping of hearty beef broth.  In unison the sausages squalled,

"Where's the Gold?"

Then, the smallest sausage grabbed the William Gilmore Simms checklist and stuffed it in its rapacious, waiting mouth...and with that, all hell broke loose.