I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I was three and a half
And my only fears were monsters
And ghosts and the mean girls down the street
Who used to laugh at me and hit me
Cause I couldn't ride a bike like they could
And I played with my neighbor just like I should
And nothing ever went astray
Grandmother was just three streets away
And I played in a kiddie pool
And kicked and splashed
And went to kiddie school
And never learned how to swim
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I was five but I though I was ten
That was the year I held onto mommy as I walked in to school
And the girls didn't hit me
And the boys laughed and said I had cooties
But they loved me anyway
As I played with the girls at recess
Twice a day
And Mommy drove to school to pick me up
And I went to my grandmother's house on the lake on weekends
And we cooked and played
And I knew that everything was going to be okay
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I was grown, cause I was seven
And I went to school and danced around
And couldn't make myself sit still
And I got yelled at and put on pills
I cheated on a test for the first time
And Mommy and grandmother had a fight
And I knew there would be no more spending the night
With grandmother and baking in the kitchen
My friend Alex hated me at school
And we had spelling tests with four letter words
But I still got tucked in to bed at night
So I still knew that it would be alright
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I just wanted to be ten
That was the year that grandmother moved away
And I made her sad when I tried to stop her
And I still had cooties
But cooties had become a bad thing
Mommy still hung my tests on the refrigerator
And I still made all A's
And I was gifted when gifted was cool
But no one was impressed with what I could do in school
But they all smiled and nodded their heads
And smiled when I came in and said
That I was miserable
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I was finally ten
And I was too old to be tucked in with a smile
But they did it anyway
And Mommy died
And I prayed for her to go to heaven
But all the girls and boys laughed at me
And told me that I should die too
I wanted to love them
And I tried and tried
But I just cried
Cause I didn't know what else to do
And we planted a tree that never gets watered anymore
And grandmother moved back to me
For a little while and we couldn't get along
And then she went away
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I was in 5th grade
I had to invent something
And Daddy tried to love again
But it didn't work out so well
I was in the school spelling bee
And my entire class booed me
When I got back
But it wasn't because I misspelled the word admirer
I learned the F-word
But wondered what it meant
And I got my first boyfriend
And he said we were in love
But I only liked him
And Daddy learned to love again
And she moved in with him
But I couldn't call her mommy
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I got to go to middle school
I played the violin
And Daddy came to my concert
And I got a new step family
And they said they loved me
Even if I missed their birthday
Because I couldn't help it
And my new siblings beat me up
But we still said we loved each other
And I found the love letter from my boyfriend
It was in my sister's drawer and had her name on it
I loved math for the first time
Cause Mrs. Lance brought her dog to school
And I got my hair cut short
And every one said I looked good
But I hated it any way
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I finally loved my middle school
But I had trouble calling my house my home
Daddy had a wife and I tried to call her mommy
But I could only call her Lauree
And she started hitting me hard behind Daddy's back
She told him that I'd been really bad
And she made me late for school to tell me I was worthless
My bed was filthy but I thought I deserved it
Cause she said I did
And I ran for hours until I wanted to die
And Daddy was at work and he listened to her lie
And I learned what sex was
Because I could hear it through the walls at night
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And turned twelve but I felt like dirt
And I only got one cupcake on my birthday
Cause Lauree said that was all I deserved
And she told me lies about Daddy
But I didn't know they were lies
I lost my right to tears
My teachers lied and called child services
Even though I told them not to
And DHS said that was enough
When she woke me up in the morning and beat me
Until I couldn't feel my face anymore
And she told me Daddy didn't want me
Because Daddy let me go live with my Grandparents
She told me that she saved my life
As I ran and gasped for breath
Because she wouldn't let her daughter beath me to death
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I scared my grandparents
Because she messed up my legs
And I couldn't walk right for awhile
And the doctor called me things like 'lucky' and 'victim'
But I was ok because I went to school on the beach
And the boys called me a cheater
Because I beat them in a cooking contest
And I gave them the smallest piece of the cheesecake
But I laughed cause it was funny at first
And people fought with my friends
And I missed my old home
Even though I became afraid of teal cars
And red haired drivers
I spent time with my friends
And I first got called a lesbian
And I had to ask what it meant
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And Daddy took me back
And I sat in a car for a long drive
And he promised to tell me the truth if I did the same
I agreed so he told me about his ex wife
He told me we didn't have to call her Lauree anymore
And he told me to tell the truth about what she did
But when it was my turn
And I was relieved that he wanted to listen to me
But he said I was lying and I cried and he didn't see
And when we reached Illinois
He thought it was all forgotten and okay
And I played along
But I had nightmares
About teal cars and red hair
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I got to be a yankee for one summer
Even if it was just Illinois
And I got to meet Daddy's sweet heart
And he gave her flowers and chocolates
When she was in her pajamas
And she had a son who treated me like a best friend
And we watched movies and played video games
I found out he had a rock collection
And he gave me the rock I loved most
And I wanted him to be my brother
As we laughed in the back of a cramped truck
In the middle of summer on the road at night
And I laughed as he drank a soda in thirteen seconds
Just because he could
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And we got a house in the Heart of Dixie
And I didn't tell anyone that I had been a yankee
Just for one summer
But I got called a witch
And learned the meaning of 'bible belt'
And nobody acted like they knew what a bible was
And lesbian was still an insult
Even if it wasn't true
Then snuck out on New Year's Eve
Just to see the fireworks a little better
And I counted twelve days
But turned thirteen
And I snuck out at night again
Just to see the sky
And nearly froze
Because it was January
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And the Heart of Dixie didn't have a heart
And people whispered "Jesus, Jesus" every time I walked by
And made the sign of the cross to ward off demons
But they were trying to ward off me
I got caught sneaking out to swing
At nine at night cause I left the speakers on
I learned that southern hospitality only applied if you were southern
And Arkansas was too far north
And it was too late to say that I'd lived in Florida
But that wasn't southern anyway
That was just Florida
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And Daddy got married again
But it was ok this time
Because she didn't hurt me
But I still couldn't call her Mommy
And her son hated me
And said I wasn't a sister
Cause nothing bound us but a piece of metal
And I said Daddy's love wasn't worthless
And I knew that he was my brother anyway
He taught me what the F-word meant
And what it sounded like when it was shouted
But I tried to pretend it wasn't shouted at me
But I was a terrible liar
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I wrote my first story just as summer started
And I finally told how much I loved vampires
But I didn't use the word fetish
I just read Anne Rice
And I picked up a fine tip Sharpie in a closet
And wrote about Sithandra and Romulus
And how much they loved each other
But I imagined Sithandra was me
And I called my self by her name just to pretend I had someone
And that I was the strong one for once
But Sithandra got hurt and I couldn't be her anymore
And Romulus couldn't help her
And neither could I
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I started school wearing red and black
And everyone asked if I was gothic
And I said yes cause I forgot I was in the bible belt
Because First Baptist Church found out about Daddy from my brother
And they didn't want me to come back
I cried about the church
And about Daddy
But nothing changed
And they never saw my love stories
I started school as a writer
I remember when that was a good thing
No one called me a witch
And no one thought I would cast a spell
But that was because they called me a vampire
While I was standing in the sun
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I fell in love for the first time
And he read my stories
And said he loved them
And I was happy when I saw his screen name
Society didn't understand that love was more then a Hollywood story
And we were quiet
He put me in a story on New Year's Eve
The story would last forever
And I was changed into Violet
And on my birthday I trusted my sister
Cause she said I could
I showed her his picture inthe locket
And she gave me away
And Daddy broke my heart
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I lost my internet for good
I just turned fifteen
And I curled in my bed cried my eyes out
I wrote my feelings in poetry because I couldn't say them out loud
And I was afraid of not knowing what the next day would bring
Because I didn't have anyone to take away my pain
And I went back to school and answered questions like
Did you talk to your boyfriend
Dis he tell you he loves you
And I lied on the first
And never answered the second
Because I knew he was right
And it never should have crossed my mind
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I saw Valentine's Day go by
And I read my poem about January to the whole class
And they said it was beautiful
But they didn't know how back it hurt
And I passed algebra one
I went to church and got baptized
And I felt so perfect and close to my Father
That summer I went to Christian camp
And I felt closer to God then ever before
For a whole week I prayed and sung until I lost my voice
And I still didn't stop
I stood on a stage and signed to people that could hear
And they all clapped
But didn't know that it was more then a dance
Except for one
And his mother was an interpretter
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I left Christian camp
And cried when I went home
Because I felt closer to god then ever
And I didn't want it to end
And I didn't want to lie again
About the thoughts in my head
But I had to start school
And I was almost alone there
And I still wrote my stories
But I tried not to turn to January for inspiration
Because it hurt to breath when I remembered
But I couldn't keep it locked away
And I let myself peek occasionally into the past
And I had nightmares of teal cars again
And they were driven by women with red hair
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I had to write a book really soon
I had waited a year just to wait again
But school wasn't hurting so much
I had friends and my classes were easy
And I took a painful peek at my old life
But only now and then because it hurt
And then Halloween came
I went as Elphaba
And nobody knew who Elphie was
So I just said I was the wicked witch of the west
And everyone else from my church
Dressed as my enemies in the Wizard of Oz
And I wanted to ask the wizard to take away my heart
Because it was broken
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And November 1st came
And I weeded the garden to get my internet back
After eleven months alone
I worked all day and it was worth it
And when I saw the name of my old home
I didn't have to hold my heart together
Because the scars did it for me
And I finished my first novel on Thanksgiving
With everybody who taught me to write
Right there beside me cheering me on
He was proud and that was all I needed
And my brother and sister refused to read it
Because they said they hated it without looking
And my sister told me she wasn't getting me a Christmas present
But it was ok because all I wanted was for her to care about my book
But she said that was too much
And I had to hold my heart together again
As I was told my pain was my fault
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And that was just a few weeks ago
But its getting better
Sometimes I forget the scars
Because I'm getting healed
And I'm not afraid to love anymore
But I'm still afraid of teal cars and drivers with red hair
Everybody wants a part of my book
Everyone tries to suck up to me
To get my money when it's not even there yet
And I can't let go of the past until somebody believes me
Because it was all too much
And I can't just throw it to the wind
Because I saw a long time ago what they could do
When a high school got in their way
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And I thought it would never happen to me
And it was a mother's death
And a cheating boyfriend
Hearing "I love you" and I swallowed my blood in my mouth
And moving away without saying good bye
And learning about sexual orientation from bullies in school
It was having to choose between Daddy and Grandparents
And luckily having that choice taken away
It was moving around the country
And settling in the middle of no where
It was finding a calling that would last a lifetime
And picking up that pen for the first time
It was falling in love and dying inside
And wondering if it would have been better never to have loved at all
But knowing I wouldn't trade January for anything
It was learning, like a child, to give my heart away again
And learning to put it back together every time it came back
Even though the pieces got smaller and smaller
It was sitting down at a computer for no good reason
And crying my eyes out once again as I relived each moment
And laughing and crying and typing
At the same pivotal moment
-Robyn Renee Johnson-
Author notes
I am SOOO sorry this was so long. It was originally supposed to be very short, but I started on it and I couldn't stop I just had to tell the whole story. While writing this, I laughed so hard my cheeks hurt, I started crying alot and had to stop typing to dry my eyes a few times, I reopened alot of old wounds as I wrote about them, I was reminded again why they call it a broken heart...my chest hurts, and so many other things. I can't ask anyone to read all of this though I would be so glad if someone did. I don't want you to feel guilty if you dont. You may or maynot notice, but there was no one that stayed in this the whole time besides me. Daddy was gone for a little while when I was in florida. My grandparetns moved. Mommy died. I moved. And if they don't stay through the whole thing then I can't expect someone who doesn't know me to read the whole thing...in otehr words, if you skip a section or two or only read a section or two then I would TOTALLY understand and I would be happy because I know you were honest if you tell me thats all you read and, as you can tell, I've been lied to enough.
There are a few inaccuracies, I feel I should say. Some ages are messed up...my grandparents moved to florida when I was seven I believe but I had to keep the order properly. My mother died when I was nine. She died just after or before new years...I know its awful and I'm awful for not remembering. I remembered, crystal clear, her dying on New years eve and so I always write about that. I was told that she didn't and I was devistated because I was basically being told my one last memory was completely false...it was a VERY terrible shock
I'll get back to this later I bet, I won't stay away form this for long.
Thank you if you read it, in any amount. I understand if you are too overwhelmed.
-andi-
my authors name is Giovanna Corvis
This IS the longest poem I've ever written!
qwerty
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A contest entry
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Honorable mention
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Bronze trophy winner
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Please, tell me what you think, honestly!
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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I'm crying. I really am. This is so intense. Absolutely beautiful in the darkest way. My heart aches for you. Best of luck in your life. Great write and good luck.
Matt -
this is beautiful. i read it over and over. this is definatly a hard life to live. great write,
~ari~ -
Wow this is severely long, this was pretty good what I understod of it. Good luck in the contest Thank you for sharing and good luck and it was a real pleasure to read.
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wow. this is so long and from the heart. some of these parts were a little confusing, but i really love others of it. thanks for entering.
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Some of them were meant to be confusing...I don't like admitting everything to everyone I feel klike Im in danger when I do that so I hide behind metaphors.
Thank YOU for reading and letting me enter!
-andi
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Appologies in advance.
Obviously some people liked this and found it interesting. I found it to be way too long and too diffuse, like a diary entry. It goes on and on but doesn't build up to anything. A poem or a story, for that matter is told because you are trying to make a point. What is the point of all this? Once you know what you are trying to say you can edit this down to lines or events that support that intention and throw the rest out, or at least save the rest for another piece. A long poem like this needs a lot of energy, passion, and drama to keep people reading (Howl by Allen Ginsberg). Unfortunately a memoir is almost always tinged with sadness which is a gentle low energy emotion. Poetry is a condensed form. A three page story can be about almost nothing. A three page poem on the other hand better have a lot to say.
I would advise taking each stanza and making it a separate poem. I am sure that writing this made you feel good. I'll bet it was great therapy. It just isn't good art. -
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Thank you but what are you apologizing for? Surely not for criticizing? thats exactly what I wanted. I didn't write this to be art so I'm a little confused why everyone is seeing as this super poem....I'm on your side!
It was for, as you put it, therapy. I was going to write somethign short but, as I went and it became truthful, I just had to keep at it but I don't think its something amazing like other peopel are saying...I thinkits the length that got them. Stupid really. but thank you for commenting and everything...seriously what ARE you sorry for though??
-Andi
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It is a totally amazing poem...honestly had me wanting to cry at parts... I read the whole thing and don't know why you think someone wouldn't the flow is amazing and the story that goes with it is breath taking even if not in a good way...you're an amazing poet from what I've read so far... Thank you for sharing it with us...
*Blessed Be*
Lauren
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Thank you. I guess I'm just assuming everyone else has as short an attention span as I do. Were this by someoen else and I reading it, I probably wouln't be able to get all the way through it...unless it rhymes (which is why it does in parts).
Definitly not in a good way. I hated writing this as much as I loved it. I hate feeling so vulnerable when I force such careful control over everything else. If someone reads this thn they know everything. And I hate knowing that so many people DO know everything. But what choice did I have?
-Andi -
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well a lot of ppl do and I do too sometimes but the fact that this told a story so well was what kept me reading
And I know what you mean I don't want ppl to know everything about me either but at the same time I know that they have to if I want some closure with it...and one thing about this site if some one does mess with you about it just block them...lol.. but it doesn't seem to me that anyone would...it's just a trust thing.. and it gets easier it really does
*Lauren*
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this was maybe the longest poem I've read so far on AP but it absolutely sucked me in and kept me interested until the last line...
I can't really decide whether I liked the 'non-chronological' flowing or not but it was really moving and full of emotions...you told us your story with such grief and passion, I felt like reading a great novel packed with a lot information...
I can't say which part was the best because it is a flowing poem, one part referring about another,that's why it is all good as it is- the whole poem...
It really got me hooked with this and I would love to read more- hope that doesn't sound morbid...maybe if you devoted a poem to every time/year/incident it would be easier to read and help you maybe a bit with dealing all of this....
a very enjoyable read
take care
Suza
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No, I understand what you mean. And I try to do that, the writing about the times/years/incidents but they dont all come out this long or honest. It's hard, opening up so much. It makes me very vulnerable, and I'm scared of thar.
But it does help me deal very well...I've never found a better way.
-Andi -
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Andi I think opening up like that makes everyone feel vulnerable I know it does me...and it scares me but I also know that with out my poetry I'd be locked up or dead by now...so don't stop if it helps you...not saying post every one... poetry means different things to different people and to alot of us you included I think...it's a release our survival skills in a way...letting people read is just a way of learning to trust humanity... either way...it' s still an amazing poem so don't stop writing especially if it helps you....Just my two cents
*Blessed Be*
Lauren
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I wish all the best with your writing, may it bring you the peace you need
I'll impatiently await some carrying on of this lovely poem...
take care
Suza
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I think i just read the winning poem, this is...i can't find the words...if this is your life, then well....gosh urm. You left me speechless for the first time in 21 years.
Watch out on spelling is all i'll say but....bloody hell that was amazing. urm...
yes. FANTASTIC!
Gorecki -
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Yes, this is my life. There's so much more I could add but I think I'm going to have to start a new poem for all that, I can't seem to properly continue this one.
I'm glad it had the desired affect on you. I don't want people to go "Oh, she can tell a good story" I want them to realize its true. Thank you.
-Andi
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It's long yes, maybe could be edited down a bit. But I really enjoyed the parts about when you were younger especially. Love the transformation from innocence as a child to the harsher realities of life as you age.
Also love the 'when way back when was way back then'. That's something I'd use in one of my rhymes.
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Thank you. Yes, I noticed it myself as I reread over it how things changed. Though even the beginning has a dark edge to it.
-Andi
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wowwowwowwowwow!!!!!
this is amazing and yes i did read it all...i couldn't pull myself away it was totally awesome!!!!i loved it did all this really happen to you? i have to admit i had tears in my eyes most of the time and i laughed at points to but most of all i hated all the horrible things that happend, it was fantastic!! i would love to hear more! really!
keep writing you're fabulous
-Ella -
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Yes, these things all happened. I know I've had a better life than some but its not exactly been a hppy one as you can see. Thankyou you for reading this.
And I love your avie....Twilight is COMPLETELY awesome!! ^.^
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oh great job and
good luck -
i found it hard to keep focused on this poem, but it was really great. you packed in so much emotion, it really helped this poem be really good..
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Evil step-mothers... this was hard for me to read but I read it from beginning to end, every line, every word, in one sitting. This is fantastic and I'm sorry for all the pain you had to go through, on some grounds I can relate, on other's I can't. Now I want to try my hand at typing something like this. This is fantastic, heartfelt, emotional, but fantastic. I know what you mean about always going back and reading through your more painful poetry even though you know it will tear you up inside, I do that myself, probably too much, just to remember, otherwise it sits burning in the back of my mind until I have to rewrite out my thoughts, again and again, or never get a second of sleep, a second of peace. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck.
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And I thought I was just a new brand of masochist...well I know I'm not crazy any more, At least I got that comfort, lol. I warn you, about typing one of these...you think it took you a long time to READ, I was writing for about 8 hours...I didn't do it in one sitting though, twice I had to stope because I was crying too hard to see the keys, once I had to stop for dinner, and once for a shower. So know that it's going ot taeke you awhile. And if you're older than me then, well, you'r will be longer I guess!
-Andi- -
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well if it's a new brand put me on the list...trust me you're so not alone
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welcome to it then *bitter*
and I thought I was the only one that went back and read old comments, lol
-andi
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amazing
i really loved this poem. i started reading it thinking 'im never going to be able to consentrate on reading this whole thing'. but then as i read more and more i just couldnt stop reading .parts of it made me cry, parts of it made me smile, and then when i read some of it i could realte to what you were saying. i have also dealt with the name calling and i know how you feel when you say people sucked up to you just to get the money that wasnt there yet. ive been working on a book too and people in school tell me that if i ever get it published and everything, they want to be my best friend.(yeah they told me that to my face.)
im sorry you had to go through these things. i dont think i could ever deal with the things you did. it was a really good poem though. i could actually picture some of the things you wrote about in your poem. keep up the good work and i hope you continue to write. good luck in this contest. i feel that you deserve to win it. -
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Thank you so much for reading this...lol, long though it seriously is.
This was intended to be a rhyme at first, and a short one at that. But as I went it got very personal very quickly and then I just couldn't stop writing it util I reached the end. The end of this poem was actually the moment I was writing it. I'd brought it RIGHT up to the present time and sometimes I think I should continue it, I've had things happen since I wrote it that could be in it. But to continue it would mean taking the last section and rewriting it soince that one so clearly sums it up.
It's annoying isnt it? Urgh, then theres the people who just go "Have you written anymore books lately?" as though book writing takes five minutes. I've been editing my novel longer then it took me to write the first raft (well, the novle was for nanowrimo, so of course it wouldn't take me as long to write it as it normally would) And when I say no and try to explain that it isnt an overnight thing they just get all surprised as though I'm being lazy or something!!!...Though I need to confess that I HAVE been rather lazy with editing....hardly doing ti at all and I have until June 1st to get it all done, urgh, but that doesnt give them an excuse!
Some parts of this were, well not MEANT to be confusing, but there was really no other way to write them. The part about Elphaba from Wiched the Musical, that wasn't such a HUGE even but it was kind of funny and at the same time it fit in with the sadness I'd felt around halloween. And the part about my book and the characters, Romulus and Sithandra. A fw people would know hwo they are but that will confuse most. But it was just SO important and SO BIG that I had to mention it.
Oh! You do writing then you've probably had somemorons want to be in your stories....just an idea but when people beg me for that I agree and I DO put them in the stories....and then I brutally kill of their characters XDD
-Andi-
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Amazing
Wow. Personally, I don't know how people could skip over paragraphs at all. really excellent. keep writing! -
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Well, you've got to consider how long it is. I can understand it, even if I do wish they wouldn't. And I wouldnt be mad if anyone said they did. I'd be glad they were honest with me.
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It was hard for me to sit here and read prose like this because it took me from the wee vulnerable age and swept me along in the memories of your life, the good, the bad, the happy the sad and all in between. Moments that you spent that you shared. Ones that you will never forget and I can only thank you for showing me inside, letting me see your world through your eyes in a captivating manner.
Keep writing love
Keep telling your stories
telling your memories
Opening the jar of emotions for others to see.
Blair
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This. Is. Amazing! AP Cousin, you definitely know how to get to the root of that which is poetry! The emotion. I held my breath while I read it. All I can say... AMAZING! I am very impressed with your ability to just express yourself this way. I hope writing it helped to ease any of the pain you had/still have. Awesome write this is!
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*Hugs* A little, but not entirely. For some reason I like to read through this poem all the time, but I know it will tear me up on the inside and it always does. But I feel like I HAVE to do it. Messed up, yes?
Thank you so much, that means even more coming from both a member of my family ans a writer as good as you!
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You mention people not reading the whole thing - and because you said that I read the WHOLE thing. "falling in love and dying inside" . . . .
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Ever done that? ((that falling and love and dying part)) It's more painful then you'd think. I wouldn't recommend fallingin love with someone you can never have.
I wasn't trying for reverse psychology, you know, I'm afraid I might have gotten some otehr people into reading it just by saying you didn't have to.....ooh, but what to do? IF I say they don't have to then it's reverse psychology. If I don't then they might think they are required to!!!
Thank you for reading and thank you for tha applause.
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i read it all, well kind of i skiped over the first three lines of repetition after a while, i was really hoping for a happy ending, i still am, good luck and keep writing.
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I do understand that, those lines were for me mostly, not so much for everyone else, you didn't have to read them all the time. Trust me, I'm waiting for the happy ending too!
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This is very, very long, and I think that shortening it would be very beneficial, if nto simply prudent. I think that you could skip some of the repetition, as it only makes this longer.
But, it was a very good poem with a lot of beautiful if crushing feeling, and I am so glad that you shared this with us.
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I've heard the repitition was annoying, but I wanted to have a way yo be able to keep it together, to show that it all was toether, you know?
Thank you!
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I think the repetition is overkill in a few places.
also, some punctuation might help.
And I was five but I though I was ten
though --> thought
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"I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
And the Heart of Dixie didn't have a heart
And people whispered "Jesus, Jesus" every time I walked by
And made the sign of the cross to ward off demons
But they were trying to ward off me
I got caught sneaking out to swing
At nine at night cause I left the speakers on
I learned that southern hospitality only applied if you were southern
And Arkansas was too far north
And it was too late to say that I'd lived in Florida
But that wasn't southern anyway
That was just Florida"
I liked this one the best out of all the paragraphs very true and deep. This is honestly a magnificent write.
And to answer your question I didnt write the poem on my page, it was actually a part of the song Red Sam by the band Flyleaf.
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Thank you!!
How do you know its the truest part? Have you/do you live in the south?? heh, you would know if you did I guess. I swear...I've never seen such fake people until I moved here. They have poictures of doctors in ads with little dyed blonde nurses with big boobs standing sround them in pink scrubs....I mean come on....EVERY ad is like that.
Sorry for the rant...I just saw another one and I had to say that, but I've never seen such stuff until I moved here -
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lol it gets crazier just wait.
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Told well.
I read it all, and you must have been so pained to go all through that.
Critic:
I did not cry cause I did not feel it. It was just told to me, and I've never gone through such things so I do not fully understand how you'd felt. In order to reach in more to others' hearts, I suggest that you'd put more of your feelings, your emotions--not just what happened--into this poem. This is good, and I'd love to read more.
- Adelaine -
wow...
wow, this has so much feeling so much emotion so much everything, i cried and cried i couldnt finish reading it my heart felt like it was being tared out of my chest, like someone was wrenching it out just lke your was as your step mother hit you, i am left out of breath and speachless completly, iam so sorry youve had such a long and hard life its such heart renching, thank you so much for sharing this with me and everyone else who takes the time to read this poetry on ap trust me it was worth it, have a happy holiday.
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Thank you sooo much for taking the time to read as much of this as you awere able to. Her name was actually Lauree an ffortunatly she's gone now. Thats the only good thing about her, that she's gone. I hope I didn't make you cry too badly. As much as I love writing sad poetry (Its easy because its REAL) I can't stand the idea of people vrying over me...pretty messed up huh?
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Oh also, I read all of it.
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I really enjoyed reading your story. The part about you being late for school just to be told you were worthless shocked me, because that happened to me when I was a sophomore in High School. My stepmom was pretty evil, too. Once again, I really enjoyed this...thanks for sharing.
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I was in sixth grade at the time, and I'd really rather not retype some of the things she called me since children might manage to read these comments. I hope it got better for you, I really do!! DHS stepped in with me, and even though I hated them at first (she said she would kill me...so sue me, I believed her) I'm very grateful to them for it.
the evil woman had to ruin dhs though, she and daddy (who didn't know what was happening) kept telling me not to keep lying to them the way I lied to the teachers at school. See I wasn't lying though, not at all, they seemed to think that if they told me I was lying enough I would believe it myself and tell everyone she was a goddess. Wrong. But I DID lie to dhs, she scare dme into it. I told them she hadnt done anythign and it was all just a big mistake. But they could tell somethingwas up...I mean I had tears streaked all over my face and I was at their office at 3am since that was when they had called me...and I was wide awake. I hadnt been allowed sleep since my step mother was having me pack my clothes because she was going to try and get me toi my grandparents house before dhs could call her (someone, don't know who) called our house before dhs did and tipped her off.
Sorry, I get talking about her and its hard to stop, see? I'm not the type to hide it and pretend it neve rhappened, I have enough people doing that at the moment and I'm sick of them acting like she pampered me.
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To be honest, the first time that I read it, I couldn't really complete it. It didn't hold my attention that long. xD
I couldn't get past the three lines you used at the beginning of each stanza.
I felt it would of been better if you only repeated it again in the last stanza.
This poem is a good vent. Maybe to make it better, when you aren't so emotional, you can come back to trim and tighten it up a bit. I know. Right now, it's still raw.
I hope this made you feel better after writing this.
I'm sorry that you had to go through this. Nobody should, but that's just how life works.
Best of Luck in the Contest!
- Aly
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I repeated itbecause it made it easier to seperate the stanzas for me. And I'm hugely attatched to rhyme. You'll notice the occasional one thrown in. It was originally going to be a MUCH shorter rhjyming poem. Each stanza was still going to start with I remember way back when part, but a little different
Example of one...
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was when I was ten
And I just wanted to grow up and then
The world ended for me
But you kind of run out of rhymes for -en before oyu run out of memories
Thanks for the critique!! And like I said, I understand if you couldn't read all the way through it...I appreciate you being honest about it.
-Pet
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Right, i read the whole thing. Ill give an honest verdict on what i thought.
I remember way back when
When way back when
Was way back then
i like this, on the first stanza, and it would work well on the last stanza, i think it broke the poem up a great deal on every stanza and it made it hard for me to read the poem without automatically skimming past those lines. I feel more like you were telling me the story of your life than making me feel how you felt. Some of this poem i did really feel, but not all of it. I know it would have been hard to write, and its brilliantly descriptive but i feel at some point you got lost in describing what happened rather than what you felt about what was happening. then again you wrote this beofre my contest so i can understand it wont pertain to my specification. I didn't cry, then again i learnt not to, and i just don't cry. It is thought provoking i could see your life more than i could feel it. Over all the length doesnt bother me, length has no effect on a poem as long as you can keep your audience reading or feeling. Overall a good write. A little understanding to another persons life.
Thank you for entering.
Laura -
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Thank you VERY much for reading it and giving me such an excellant critique. It really WAS more of the story of my life and, at the risk of sounding cliched, it was wonderful and terrible telling it
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Tremendous strength and pain...makes you stronger...wonderful penning. Blessings
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I'm speechless. This really is beautiful. I also had to read all of it. Every detail was worth it. It must have been so painful to write, but it's great that you could get it all down, certainly made me cry. . I hope it helped a little to write.
(A few typos. Lines 20, 151, 302, 316 and 327. . I think).
Thank you for sharing this. .
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This is phenomonel, a wonderfully descriptive story of your life and how it's perceived by you.
And I did read the whole thing. Once I started I felt compelled by your story to keep reading.
Reading each part as you perceived it makes the story believable, heartfelt.
I really like this and look forward to reading more of your work
Dee
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Hey, i love this poem!! I actually did read the whole thing, a lot of times actually. maybe 4 cuz i wanted my friends to see cuz they asked what i was crying about. Yea, u made me cry i loved it so much, also it was very sad. They didnt understand though. People dont understand me sometimes. Anyways, i love this poem. I cant believe what you've been through. Its amazing. Well ttyl.
<3natakins102 -
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Thanks for reading, and sorry I made oyu cry and freaaked you friends out. If I need to explain any part of it, let me know. I was unnecissarily cryptic on some parts.
I can relate, as you can no doubt, tell. People dont understand me either. Its the same with most writers, isnt it? WE all see thigns differently form people that don't write so we feel differently about them.
-Pet
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WOW
I REALLY REALLY liked this!!! I have trouble reading long stuff sometimes (I'm too old to have been tested for ADD which probably just saved me from the drugs I'd have been on lol). Anyway, had I known it was so long I would have not started reading but am so VERY glad I did!!! I read the whole thing word for word, & even re-read a bit here & there to make sure I was getting it right. You are an excellent writer!!!
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Thank you!! Sorry I was a little misleaing about the lenght...I'm not usually known for something like this...I've only done 3 long poems in my life and The Cracks (my first on the site) is no comparison to Opening Night of my Final Act and this one.
I'm glad you loved it!! I hope I can keep on writing poems that match your expectations!
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it was amazing...i am sorry for your painand all that you have been through...i live in danville illinois so any time you need to chat i am here...
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Thank you...and thank you for reading the poem!!
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i live in newcastle in the UK, its like 10am at the minute.
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AMAZING!!!
it toally 'wowed' me
i love it, and i read ALL of it
im so sorry for your background
but you have amazing talent!!
haha, im in school at the minute and all iv done was look at this poem, its truley amazing!!!
keep this up
xox
<3
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You seriously read ALL of that?! Wow, *bows* you have my respect.
Can I ask where you are? You said you were in school...its 3:42 am where I am
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