three letter reply

I guess you couldn't tell that I was crying
and I only answered with a three letter reply
to keep it from being given away
I've had to fight on all sides,
even against myself
and I just don't feel like it today.

Deep down, I know I'm a bad person
that, I couldn't fight this if I tried
every part of me hurts,
I'm okay,

well, I lied

the only part of me I used to want
gets further and further away
along with the love you provided
I know I cannot stay

the image gets clearer in my head
what's the difference between alive or dead?

I fight against a door
that does not open for me anymore
and I scratch at the wood
as if it could  understand
my burning core
but it does not even crack open for me anymore

there is blood on my hands
something on the other side
that I haven't been a part of
since my other life

why can't I die?
or accept that I am gone
I can't go back,
I have to move on

with lagging knees
and bloodshot eyes,
with sinking teeth
and bitter cries
I bite my tongue
and so the blood seeps
no longer young,
too old to weep

I can't, I can't bleed for this anymore
but a part of me wants to,
just a little more

I leave my blood, on the door,
I'm crying and it doesn't matter,
not even to the floor
who stares at me coldly
and never holds me
or to a phone that never smiles

I am no more, an inner child,
no longer, crazy, alive and wild
I am old, I sing for no one
and these tears,
they will never be done

Fight, that's all I do
just so I can make it through
and what for?

For a bitter reward
and some kodak life
that comes with complication?

that's not enough
I know that, always have
but I live on,
even knowing that,
just so it can make sense

I'm way past expired
but still desired
one lights my fire
and brings me higher

do not raise me to another stage
of self-remorse and bitter hate

I can't, I can't, I can't...

just...

d
o
n
'
t
.