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Waiting For

As I sit here waiting

I wonder if he loves me the way I love him

all I'm looking for I have finally found

at the center is his soul so beautifully bound

 

As I sit here waiting

I wonder when he will finally see me

will he ever come to see that all I need is him

or are the chances of "us" too slim

 

As I sit here waiting

I wonder why I love him this much

is it something about his touch?

or something more that he desperately hides?

 

As I sit here waiting

all I'm waiting for is............

nothing but his LOVE.

A contest entry

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    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • celisha
    April 17

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    Such a delightful read. I love how you worked "As I sit here waiting" throughout. Very well written! Great job.


  • HerbalGoat
    April 15

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    I like your repetition of "As I sit here waiting," it actually helps style the peace, and really adds to the emotion and desire of wanting him, but all you can do is wait.

    I like that you rhymed in your first two stanzas, but then when you did not keep the rhyming withing the final two lines, as in your third stanza, it threw me off a bit.

    I like the emotion you conveyed throughout the whole piece. I would have liked to see the last stanza have a little more want and desire, only because you have been building it up throughout the whole piece, and then you have sort of an anti-climactic ending.

    These are only my suggestions, you may do with them what you please. Again, good job with your repetition and conveying of desire for this person.


  • awannabepoet
    April 3
    Edit | Reply
    I love the sense of not knowing if this is the love of a mistress or a wife.

    So for that I must say thank you for a wonderfull read as for being critical it is not in my habit to be too harsh or critical for whom am I to judge.

    Suffice to say that I feel there is allot of sitting being done by the one who has such love to give that it may never be returned.

    I like it, I like it so!


  • Master Anarchy
    March 29
    Edit | Reply

    What a Nomme de Plume !!

    two suggestions:

    replace "need" with "want" in line 7;
    replace "but" with "and" in the ultimate line

    and you may be set for a Real Khool Thyme.

    Go Herball !! & Good Luck.
    I applaud the seeming sincerity and simplicity, along with the repetition of the first line,
    Master Anarchy


  • Six Foot Fall
    January 16

    Edit | Reply

    A couple problems

    First off let me say it was a good write. I did have a problem with the line "all I'm looking for I have finally found ", if you have found what you were looking for then it should read "all I've been looking for I have finally found. I don't know that I like the change in rhyme scheme in the third stanza either, it would have been okay if it ended the poem to have the change, but the ending is in its own form. A little revision would make it shine.


  • Catie Sheeran gold member
    January 6
    Edit | Reply
    aww...what a lovely write


  • Mythtress
    December 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... the love of the speaker of the poem shines through. The poem makes me wonder many things...what is he hiding so desperately? (desperately is spelled wrong in that line...btw)

    I wonder if the speaker should wait for him or for anyone else. Life is too short to waste waiting for someone who may never return the love...but I am an old cynic so maybe that part is just me.

    I enjoyed the time I spent with this poem. Write on, poet.

    Blessings,
    Myth


  • silverscent gold member
    December 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is touching. It's nice to read a sincere write rather than one by a poet stiving to be the next Poe or Dickinson.
    Just one suggestion, line four, stanza two, it should be "too slim."
    Thanks for sharing.

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