My names not Duane
my names not Duane
it ain't a sweet entreaty
so be
be a sweety
don't be inane
or arcane
don't complain
but my name name name
isn't Duane-ane-ane-ane
My new name is Tracey
That's right
it's Tracey
no no not Stacey
or even Gracey
or Miss Macey
my new name name name
is Tracey-acy-acy-acy
So I have a green gherkin
I have a gherkin
and carefully cover
cover cover it
with a merkin
yes I impress
and die die digress
yes with a merkin
So sing sing sing sing
forget the dinosaur dynasty
of ming ming ming
try and tell me
try and sell me
fly a fruitbat free with me
a fruitbat with me-ee-ee
For now your thoughts
are crosses and noughts
they may be shirking
or even irking
lurking with a quirk-in
trying to cover
cover cover the imagery
of a gherkin
I said a gherkin
covered by a merkin
a mer-mer-mer-merkin
Author notes
The contest holder read the news that the US have been using music played at extortionately high volumes to torture prisoners into confession. It's not at all a topic I find funny, it would literally be an extremely excruciatingly experience, the ear drums could burst leading to partial or complete deafness.
However, the springboard from the torture was to write a rhyming poem that was tortuous to listen too. Neither myself nor Melodies are promoting or inciting torture, it's just lighthearted satire re crime rhyme and surely this is crime rhyme and you'd feel as if being tortured having to listen to it loudly on repeat lol.
I have tried to instill the deeper thread that under duress maybe when asked our name or what we are trying to achieve, maybe under enough duress we'd begin to wonder who we were and what we were about.
So it's an attempt at saying something deep in a light hearted satirical way whilst rhyming badly.
The inspiration was partly from the song My Names Not Jane by The Ting Tings
I hope you enjoy the lunacy of the lyrics
Merry Kissmas Everyone
A contest entry
- Poems for Torture by Melodies.
650 points, ended December 12, 2008, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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ah yes i remember this where people who played loud music at all hours (eek i got my door kicked in for it not that long ago) were made to lsiten to the likes of barry manilow and roy 'arper lol well would you credit it, the times we live in, in the olden days you'd just get a kickin'
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Ian...
Oh, I recall when they kicked your door down and confiscated your sounds, one man's music is another man's form of madness eh? Barry Manilow AND Roy Harper? What a playlist!!! Actually, I knocked several times to ask you to please turn it down too, I think you said something that started with feck and ended with off , which the Jehovah's Witnesses , who were in the queue ahead of me, took umbridge at, for they scuttled off with their popcorn and watchtower at a rate of knots!
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well they didn't nick my sounds, they just kicked the door in and turned my leccy off all they took was my front door keys and so i had to mess about reporting it and then getting a new lock, the polic didn't even believe me when i said i was crashed out lol they thought i'd kicked it in myself!
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Ouch-chouch-chouch...!-!-!
My cerebellum is jerkin-erkin-erkin
pickin up strange vibrations
my co-ordinates ain't co-ordinating-ating-ating
my radar just stopped workin-erkin-erkin
Sorry, but I gotta put the volume down
cuz the windows are makin a funny sound
the radiator has started to freeze
and outside it's only five degrees...
Very brave effort Yvette-ette-ette
If you win gold for this, lend me a couple bob
so I can get my radiator fixed
John
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they call me mod
they call me rocker
that's not my name
that's not my name
the cheeky sods
the liddle mockers
they're not to blame
they're not to blame
i blame the parents
and the sixties
and rock and roll
is lame
they call me mod
they call me rocker
that's not my name
that's not my name
im mostly deaf
with half a brain
which helps a bit when the x factor is on at someones house
a bit,
but not a lot.
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shivers
I will sleep with this verse skittering around my brain
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I feel a little bit tortured after reading this two times...
BECAUSE I laughed so hard!
Oh, I love your insanity here and the way you rhymed this so amazingly well and used such funny words that are actually rather adorable, such as "merkin." The topic is wildly done wonderfully! 
Oh, you smarty pants poet! 
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Um...okay, I confess to all my sins
I'll do it again, and again, and then, again,
free myself from beginning to end
and send you spinning and grinning
to win!
Whew! That was a task!
I love that you've stepped way out of the box to enter your poetry here my dear friend. Again I say, I hope you win!
Much Love ♥
Renee
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a merkin
is actually a toupee/wig for down yonder made up from chest hair clippings. Only a sick person would know that...i've known it for awhile
I love this, if this is a crime then you should break the law more often...enjoyed this
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this was nice i read it twice maybe its me but i could personally do this live it has a nice sass to it that i deeply enjoy good luck in the contest
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After reading this just once, it has imprinted itself on my subconscious and will most probably be what is on my mind in the morning when I wake. You did well!
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LMAO
Laughing and nearly crying. "A merkin" President Bush's way of saying "American."
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l.o.l. this is..
is is is..a riot not ni ette ni ette ni ette..it could truly be e e e ..very deep eep eep eep, but i'm too busy trip rip rip ping off the humor in this!!1 l.o.l. loved it my friend, with your clever self..
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a merkin, a fruitbat. Those are great things for a torture poem, this is really excellent in a horrible way. Which is to say, three clapping thingies. Here they come...
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A Merkin?
As few times as I have heard that word used, to see it in a poem is just too damn funny. I wonder how many out there don't know? I expect a few will ask... Best of luck to you...Scott
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I was laughing so much as I read this, I could hardly scroll down without jerking my mouse. Oh, you are really in full battle dress here and for fun on the run.
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It works! Clever write my friend.
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Well I sure as hell find this torturous to read aloud.
I can imagine what it would be like a full volume and no escape from it. However, I find its also quite enjoyable to read, especially after having read the authors notes.
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skipping rope that could be used for a noose, you become loose as a goose and dash ryhme like a sin and a crime for a laugh in crazy dashes of poetic madness across this fine well defined articulate and analytical mind of mine. So hear I am a blithering idiot searching for a chance to get into a pickle all sweet and tasty while putting on my jerkin. So give me a hand please and know I will wish you happy dreams that aren't shades of dimpled green.
Love,
Tom B.
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