To them who feel; dark defeats' embrace.
who understand unrequited heartaches' pain,
hollow companionship of solitude and
sharp ripping of close friendship betrayed.
they see the night and not the stars,
them who sleep without rest
i do not offer words that salve
i only bare this to you
I have seen your pains
and have felt such for myself.
Now they rent the soul,
but wounds will heal and payment will be due.
And at the time of reckoning
your mettle will be shone
for those tested by the hottest flame
prove the greatest worth:
your virtue will glitter as the gold
while testing stronger than the steel
Author notes
Please help! Please post _negative_ reviews, I want this one really whipped into shape.
This is a poem for/too a friend who has had trouble heaped lately of all the gravest kinds. Some of which i've alluded to. I’m trying to accomplish a poem that sympathizes, and acknowledges troubles and gives a positive outcome, while avoiding trite ‘happyisims’ that runneth over so often.
Written February 8th, 2004
What did you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Ptbbbbb.
Mettle, Shone? poor and crude wordplay- get some new material try adding some teeth to your work with a stronger ending- take a look at my revision
To them who feel; dim defeats ensnarement,
understand unending aching pain,
hollow rings their companions words and
sharp ripping of a friendship betrayed.
they see the night and not the stars,
them who sleep without rest
I do not offer words to salve
nor a prayer to vengeful god
But I have seen your pains
and have felt such for myself.
Now they rent the soul,
but wounds will heal and payment will be due.
And at the time of reckoning
your righteousness will be burst forth
upon them who tested you with searing flame
your vengeance will resound with mirth:
Laughter peals as you show that
your virtue glitters as the gold
and on those you judge wanting
your furry is patient and it’s burning cold
Now it we ditched that weak beginning and ending, and (i hope) kept any situation specific details in place. this way the last part really hits hard with some old testament fury, and less of your original sophomoric sound.
-
good
"And at the time of reckoning
your mettle will be shone
for those tested by the hottest flame
prove the greatest worth:
your virtue will glitter as the gold
while testing stronger than the steel"
This rocks. It gives me the sense of like hope ! About proving ourselves that we can accomplish things........within time
people will see
-
well i really liked this. maybe a few changes are required for the fullest impact, i felt you lost the flow a little bit and rhymed in some places and not others this led it to be a little confusing, however this is a truly lovely poem with a really uplifting message
thanks for that
lisa
-
am really glad you appreciated my ideas... often, 'give advise' means 'like my poem' around here. but i'll front page a couple names of writers on here who seem to enjoy working over other peoples work and are never offended by an honest critiquing. =]
you have a creative mind and i think in time your work will be increadible. is pretty great now, just can be stronger in the phrasing...
there's some punctuation problems here that affect the flow which i'll leave to you to sort out. adding some line breaks to the first stanza might throw extra strength into the rythem, meaning, maybe play around there...
this is the crux and holds such empathy:
'i do not offer words that salve
i only bare this to you
I have seen your pains
and have felt such for myself.
Now they rent the soul,
but wounds will heal and payment will be due.'
especially love the idea of the rented soul... nice!
i think you could cut 'to you' off the second line and 'and have' from the fourth...
the last line of that stanza is a great idea =], could be written differently to strengthen the sound.. made a bit more visual.
'mettle' - good word play!
like the last bit.
much respect.
l-.
-
Excellent
Yes, how great to be the victor instead of becoming the victim. To not set up camp in camp despair and REFUSE to let any situation or person or event steal your joy. To learn to see the posibilities in each day and turn your scars into stars. To turn your negatives into positives. For what doesn't kill us DOES make us stronger.
Amen
-
wow. im not sure how that made me feel.. sort or rejuvinated (spelling ah??) i like dit though. the diction you used is perfectly incripted into every line. fabulous. keep writing! amanda
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
