A smirk,
with snow falling, slush forming beneath our toes-
barefoot on the concrete, stumbling
we make plans-a future
(you tell me not to cling to the past, so I grasp onto
fantasty, a love, intense and made from single moments...
...not reality)
In the back of my brain, a film occurs, constantly
(close-up of her smile)
(your laugh, as you gently brush the hair that has fallen astray, tucking it behind her ear)
playing out scenerios of falling asleep
(next to you).
Now that I know your kiss,
the pattern of your fingers against my spine, the
way in which you open yourself once the liquor
numbs your better judgement,
the lock on your diary breaking-allowing me to see
beyond the comedy and crooked smiles. We are broken,
poetically, and
if I was used, I am unaware.
If you knew this pain,
(if I had known better than to take it seriously),
you would have ended this interest sooner,
(I wouldn't have gotten attached),
I may never have known you, beyond the exterior-
(if you knew that I would grasp the pain of anything,
to keep that memory-you might see a truth in us.)
Stumbling through the entrance, my lips brush your cheek-
(with the snow turning into slush)-
our innocence has been corrupted.
Author notes
Option #4-Longing and Desire
A contest entry
- When Anything Goes It Goes Astray. [1/4] Options. Rounds. PWs. by FightOffYourDemons.
540 points, ended January 17, 2009, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Wow! That has to be one of the best poems I have read in a while.
It has such great flow and diction. It all slips of the tongue. It has depth, character and imagery while still letting the reader follow along easily. and the style really keeps focus and attention.
Seriously this is amazing, you should be very proud.
Favorite line if I had to pick one is
"and if I was used, I am unaware"
Thank you so much for sharing this with me
Sorry it took so long to be judge.
Nikki
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I like it a lot a lot, but I have two suggestions --
one) change the word "affair" -- I think it's too outright. The poem seems really dream-like and not so upfront and I think using that word makes it seem too...real? It's just not the right word, I guess.
two) change the last word to "corrupted" -- it seems more fitting.
This is probably the best thing I've seen you write in a long time. I really really like it. Nice work, really.
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When writing this, I got stuck on the word 'affair' for quite a while, so it's interesting that you chose to point that one out, and I do agree that it makes it all come off too clearly. I changed corrupt to corrupted as well, it does sound much better. Thanks for your input, this is the first thing that I've written in a very long time, but it was one of those things that needed to be written.
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