Ashes from your burnt memories, consume me,
bury me like the lost city, hidden from view
Forced to live a life without motion, never moving forward
lost in the darkness that surrounds me
Red hot coals, erupt from my heart,
mummifying me in the thoughts you left behind
Author notes
I dont really know. I feel so numb. I have not written in a while and this is what I could pull out of my heart... It feels unfinished, but is what it is.
In a list
love hurts...
Comments
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I hear...
Such a pain filled poem with car crash of the heart impact...just six lines lean revealing what amounts to what feels...to me...like a death without rebirth yet...the death of a relationship...consume me...showing the reader that these memories eat away upon being replayed...no motion/bury me/lost city/mummify...all akin to compounding the woundedness without healing in the hollow tomb of the body that has become no more than a sarcophogus...not being able to find the emergency exit...oh my...yes how it feels...the need to be released from the situation that there seems to be no release from...your burnt memories are seared across the screen ...hope you are able to make memories soon that begin the healing...
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I like the metaphor of the buried city a lot. The 1st and 3rd stanzas go together well but the emergency route to the exit line seems to be a mixed metaphor because it departs from the buried city metaphor. You could also eliminate the commas in the 1st and 3rd stanzas. Just my humble op. Nicely done, though. Very visual.
M
P.S. If this poem is true, you're better off without the bum!
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Okay Sunshine... I changed that line. I'm not sure it's much better but eh... I'm not a writer
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Sunshine,
You are right about the emergency exit... I was tripped over words and just threw that in there b/c of a lack of a better phrase at that moment.
Thank you!
Criss
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