walking down the empty path
the leaves blowing at my feet
the crunch crunch of each leaf
as I step slowly foward.
I look up and see the moon
the roundness and the yellow color
it is bright enough to see the ground before me
bright enough to read by.
I soon come to the hill side
and I see my lover sitting on the blanket
waiting for me to join him
he stands when he sees me and takes my hand
I smile at him and we sit down
he reaches around for something behind him
when he brings his hand back around
there is a small round black velvet box
he takes my left hand in his
and looks deeply into my eyes
a tear falls down my face
as I realize where this is going
the light from the moon hits his face perfectly
his eyes shine bright as I look into his
"we have been through alot together,
and I would do anything for you
will you marry me?"
I reply "yes" with tears falling down my face
he wraps me in his arms after he slipped the beautful ring
onto my small fingure.
"I love you my dear"
A contest entry
- The Moon by Dragonbabyx3.
1000 points, ended December 23, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
tell me what you feel.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Ah, lovely piece soooo very romantical in each and every regard! I loved it, loved it, loved it!
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This is a really good poem. I like the last verse, it is weel written sis. Good job ^^
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Great stuff, but far from finished, as the others have said. As something I too struggle with, I feel fully confident in saying that you should, as the sculpter (sp?) to the block of marble, chip away at this poem. You've too many words crowding around the sensual imagery in this poem.
For instance, in line six you should remove "dull" so that you do not limit and cripple the involvement of the reader by telling them what kind of yellow to see. If they understand the moonlight to be dull then you've no trouble, but often times we see things differently and the best poems intergrate the poet's perceptions and the reader's. This is an example of your chance to embrace that and drag the reader in through adjectiveless nouns and adverbless verbs...pulling them along by their sight, smell, touch, hearing and tasting.
Overall it is quite good, but not fully complete.
Blessings,
C
ps-change this line to "bright enough to see the ground before me" and it just sings...good stuff
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Vocal and descriptive language,you tell a beautiful story. The narrative works well but some of the phrases are contradictory eg. verse 2: the moon is dull, yet then it is bright?
Editorial points:
in line 3 - leave should be leaf
penultimate line: sp. finger
Lovely poem just needs a bit of touching up.
Good luck in the contest!
*~Huntres~* -
Awwww This is beautiful! So sweet and tender!
The only thing I have to say as far as corrections go, Capitolize your "I's" and line 3 should be leaf, or Leaves, not just leave
Other than that, Its a beautiful write, I love stories like this! Great imagery! Thankyou and Good Luck in my contest!
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