She is my pale sister
She shines for me at night
when darkness holds my eyes
She covers me in light
I spread my silent wings
To forage so in flight
Then she sings me light
For all her soft love brings
she is my true born sister
And my souls' repose at night
so kiss me when your rising
Then always light my sight
A contest entry
- The Moon by Dragonbabyx3.
1000 points, ended December 23, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Phew!! Powerful imagery...I especially like the first stanza....Good Luck!!
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Nice ....
Sister of the sun! I like it! Good consistency & timing, fine rhyming scheme! Like the flow & content! Excellent write for the Contest. All the best with this. 
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Then she sings me light
For all her soft love brings
this part is a wonderful image to hold in my head, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest. -
The repetition of "light" was a risky move that paid off in the end. I like the continuity (sp?) of this poem and how you avoid the sing-song lyricaality (that is so not a word) of what I hate about many poems that embrace traditional poetic structure.
You might want to experiment with a uniform syllabic structure to see if anything jumps out at you, but I like it best the way it is.
The second to last line (11) is phrased awkwardly if not incorrectly. If you want to keep it the way it is you need to change "your" to "you're" but I would suggest changing the structure of the line to "so kiss me when you rise"
This would avoid the extra syllable that is now assigned to the monosyllabic verb "rise" and changing the beginning of the next line from "Then" to "and" would read with a much more pleasant flow.
I would not be so specific if I did not love the work you've done. Very good work.
Blessings,
C
ps-the alliteration in line six, the f's, great move, just great.
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Beautiful!
Beautiful, delicate poem, unobtrusive rhyme and gentle rhythm. Lovely images, the owl-like second verse, the ideas of partnership and guidance.
This is a lovely peice. Best of luck in the contest!
*~Huntress~*
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This is very good! I think line 10 needs to be Souls instead of soul though, to make it flow better! other than that, Great write! Thankyou for entering my contest and Good Luck!
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