5.
she's worth more than
sequins in windows, stained hearts,
black and white rainbows and ruined fairytales.
she hopes that maybe there is someone, somewhere
who sells love in pretty glass bottles
that don't break when they are dropped
and maybe she will find him,
someday.
he is a compulsive liar.
he says his favourite colour is
the green of her eyes and that
when he looks across the room
and sees her crying, everything
becomes so vibrant it hurts.
he draws her four-pointed stars
and when she asks why, he says
it's because when she's not with him,
it feels like he's missing
a piece of himself.
honestly, he just can't draw stars.
but he's a beautiful liar.
4.
she's cold, and she wants to be stable
but the carousel never stops; just keeps
spinning and pushing colours into her eyes.
she is often mistaken for purple, because
cherry bruises and indigo ink stain her skin
to shades of plum.
she tells him that he could never love her
because his heart is wonderfully whole and new
and hers is shredded into pieces that no one
will ever want.
he smiles and takes out his heart
and rips it into pieces that match hers.
he says he can love her
because they are the same, now.
3.
she is a honey-grid, sweet and waiting to be filled.
her wings are stuck behind her ribs, and she wants to
take off and fly.
she sinks like a paper boat, a snow globe
that's been shaken too many times
and ice unravels from her fingertips.
i can see the diamonds hanging,
glitter strung from the ocean
that pounds behind her
heart.
she tells him that she feels like
she has all of these holes inside.
he tells her that it's okay;
that she can be a huge hole
and nothing else
if that's what she wants to be
and he says that she is
a hole worth falling into.
2.
she is grass and butterflies,
rivers of veins and arteries interlocking in perfect places.
she's waiting for someone to offer her a sugar-coated smile
or give her some light to place behind her irises,
whispering beautiful words that break hearts and
fix crooked edges, whispering words that gauge holes
like "i love you."
"i love how you
are more than just you," he says.
"like clouds, and how they're just clouds
but they're also shapes you can see in your imagination.
like your poems, and how they always have more than one level of meaning.
like breaking mirrors, and how the mirror shatters,
but so does whatever you saw in it."
his lips taste like love.
hers taste like tears.
"and i'm all of that?"
"no," he whispers. "all of that, and more."
1.
she is beautiful, hidden behind make-up
and cotton hair and summer clothes,
with secrets pressing at her throat.
she is the girl with the lace-trimmed heart and chalk-drawn lungs,
with calico and raspberry eyes and tight-rope bones.
she wants to hold hands and taste rain.
she wants to grow up to love and make wishes on stars
and be loved.
he swore he'd give her a happy ending,
so i'm telling their story backwards because
i'd like her to know that promises are meant
to be kept.
Author notes
it's not wrong if it's hope.
In a list
A contest entry
- round one; enter your best. by broken-colours.
600 points, ended December 12, 2008, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Crying by She Stole My Voice.
400 points, ended December 19, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - AP X Factor: Round One [Auditions] by sideways hourglass.
650 points, ended January 1, 31 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - pretty much ANYTHING goes. by etoile.
825 points, ended January 11, 43 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Enter all your poems. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
700 points, ended February 20, 281 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I was yours.
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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'Hope is a dangerous thing, it can drive a man insain. Don't speak of it again' ~ Red in Shawshanks.
Her eyes were the blue bruised of dusk, earlier they had been bright, wide fragile mirrors to a soul that was lonely and unkept. It had large cob-webs and dust hidding it, he told her that was why no one loved her. Because she had forgotten how to smile. She had cried, told him that he was a lier and a sick joke, then it was his turn to cry out in rage
'I'm saving you!' he screamed at her his steel green eyes meeting hers.
She draws her own eyes away, he remembers how at first theyh ad been like hands reaching out for him. How she had so desperatly wanted him. Her willingness to do anything, things that to any other seventeen year old girl would find deeply disturbing and peverted. But she had been ready like a hound.
'Please, let me try again' she begs but her words don't get past her lips. He has grown impatient now and she closes her eyes one last time...
Hoow is it you are so good? You are the best chocolate on the shelf, too high up for anyone tor each unless they are ready to pay the price for you and for stepping on so many other choclates. All of them will be broken now but he'll have the best box and he wont care about them. Women are stepping stones for men to jump across. We should turn the tables and jump across them.
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This is so beautiful. I especially love your first stanza, this makes me feel so... I don't even know how to describe it, it's so vivid and real.
-
you asked for critical.. so here goes:
honestly, he just can't draw stars.
but he's a beautiful liar.
---
i think he is would sound better.
the first sentence in stanza 4. rhymes lol
..not really just 'eyes' and 'recognize' lol
he smiles and takes out his heart and rips it
into pieces that match hers. he says he can love her
because they are the same, now.
---
awkward line breaks in that part.
and you said hole like a million times in stanza 3
so yaa.. i already wrote all the good stuff in my previous comments, so ya it's bad stuff in this comment don't hate me.
but i love this, stanza 1 is beautiful
and did you edit it by any chance cause it seems different somehow :S maybe cause i was looking at it more critically.. anywho love youu <3
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Congratulations! You are one of the 16 finalist to make it to the mainstream of the competition. To confirm your interest in competing, please apply to the group ASAP. Just include an emoticon or whatever you want in the application.
http://allpoetry.com/group/info/The%20X%20Factor?stay=1 -
seriously good job
congratulations on getting the x-factor from all 3 judges!
sorry, I can't think of much more to say except gj, very good job
-
Wow, that is truly amazing.
-
99 X-Factor
originality: 10
creativity/poetic devices: 9
mechanics: 10
balance of images/ideas: 10
personality/emotion: 10
line breaking/structure: 9
personal opinion: 10
title: 4
rules followed: 5
focus: 5
cohesion: 5
diction: 3
syntax: 4
[extra credit] X Factor: 5
TOTAL POSSIBLE: 100
I love the way you word things, such as 'she is a honey-grid'.
I've never seen a dedication poem with such power. Usually dedications are so closed in, but you made it so that this was out-of-the box. I don't know how to explain myself, really.
I thought the numbering was very effective.
The only real problem I have with this would be the repetition of 'she' and 'he'.
Definitely an X-factor.
~Cassie
-
"she is a honey-grid, sweet and waiting to be filled.
her wings are stuck behind her ribs, and she wants to
take off and fly. she sinks like a paper boat, a snow globe
that's been shaken too many times and ice unravels from
her hair and fingertips. I can see the diamonds hanging,
glitter strung from the ocean that pounds behind her
heart.
she tells him that she feels like
she has all of these holes inside.
he tells her that it's okay;
that she can be a huge hole
and nothing else
if that's what she wants to be
and he says that she is
a hole worth falling into. "
+
"she is beautiful, hidden behind make-up
and cotton hair and summer clothes, with
secrets pressing at her throat. she is the girl
with the lace-trimmed heart and chalk-drawn lungs,
with calico and raspberry eyes and tight-rope bones.
she wants to hold hands and taste rain."
this is beautiful.
it made me want to cry,
and if i did,
i would
i'm sorry i haven't been around,
but now i know i need to be so i can read these beautiful things you cut out of yourself.
♥
-
98 - X Factor
originality:10/10
creativity/poetic devices: 8/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of images/ideas: 10/10
personality/emotion:10/10
line breaking/structure: 8/10
personal opinion: 10/10
title: 4/5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 5/5
diction: 4/5
syntax: 4/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 5/5
TOTAL: 98/100
Laura
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99 - X Factor
originality: 10/10
creativity/poetic devices: 9/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of images/ideas: 10/10
personality/emotion: 10/10
line breaking/structure: 10/10
personal opinion: 10/10
title: 4/ 5
rules followed: 5/5
focus: 5/5
cohesion: 5/5
diction: 3/5
syntax: 3/5
[extra credit] X Factor: 5/5
TOTAL: 99
I thought I had commented this already, but I see now that I didn't.
Wow! This was probably one of the most beautiful poems I have read in months. The passion just pours out from the page. I loved the creative way of telling the story, it was original; and the ending just wrapped it up perfectly.
As awesome as I found this, I do have some criticism. The syntax could have been better; throughout the poem it sometimes felt more like a story than a poem, but at the same time that helped it flow more -- i'm indecisive on that one, but there were times when you used "she" a lot and i wished there was some other way you could have phrased it. Again, the repetition of "she" in many places brought down the diction score; you also repeated the word "beautiful" and it stuck with me profoundly.
I'm not one who likes to pick things out of a poem and criticize, especially when it blew me away.
I didn't think I would be giving an "X Factor" to a poem in the audition round, but this, right here, is exceptional and you are certainly a poet to look out for in the contest.
-
It's not often that a poem can pull me into it's depths so that I live it as I read it and this poem did exactly that.
Your chosen verbiage is simple, as is your writing style and yet, the layers of meanings and emotions are so very intricate. There is something in here for everyone and this poem will appeal to a wide audience.
My favourite part was this:
"she wants to hold hands and taste rain.
she wants to grow up to love and make wishes on stars
and be loved."
Such simple wants and yet, when you're the one wanting, oceans seem to swallow all land.
This poem has that "wow" factor for me, which is a rarity in itself. I enjoyed the read.
Laura
-
Your talent is so incredible.
Especially if you're only 15.
Ugh, how awful.
I'm 15 too, but I never even think of these things, and metaphors, and relations.
Soosososo beautiful. I love reading your work.
-Obsession developing.- D:
-
my love, i miss you so much ive resorted to rereading like every one of your poems
did i ever mention how much i love this ? lol
i put it in 2 of my lists.. hope you don't mind
♥♥♥ -
Like a star with all five points
It's not often you see talent around here (I'm no exception to that sentence). However, you have it in amounts that make universe seem imaginable.
-
he tells her that it's okay;
that she can be a huge hole
and nothing else
if that's what she wants to be
and he says that she is
a hole worth falling into.
pretty line (:
i like the title
good job
-
I love your poetry. Enough said.
-
Ayargh. That hurt me. (Because it's that good, not because it's bad. It's not bad. It's good.)
-
Hmm...prime...like steak.
Melodramatic poems can be quite annoying and largely unimaginative.
Probably becuase they are trying (and failing) to be this poem.
This is the kind of poem that inspires other poems. The best genre of them all.
Brilliant work and a more than worthy gold medalist. I wonder how much hardware this poem could rack up on AP?
Blessings,
C
-
and sees her crying, everything
becomes so vibrant it hurts.
cuteee -
this is soo incredibly beautiful and excellent
my fave part:
she tells him that he could never love her
because his heart is wonderfully whole and new
and hers is shredded into pieces that no one
will ever want.
he smiles and takes out his heart and rips it
into pieces that match hers. he says he can love her
because they are the same, now.
its sad but then sooo cute and makes me feel all cozy inside so amazing
i think this may be one of ur best although everything is like wow.
-
"she is a honey-grid, sweet and waiting to be filled.
her wings are stuck behind her ribs, and she wants to
take off and fly. she sinks like a paper boat, a snow globe
that's been shaken too many times and ice unravels from
her hair and fingertips. I can see the diamonds hanging,
glitter strung from the ocean that pounds behind her
heart."
Wonderful
Just... wow
Shelly
x
-
I think this is one of your best pieces; though you write about your best friend, the topics are done so well it feels partially personally as well.
"honestly, he just can't draw stars.
but he's a beautiful liar."
That was insanely honest, and the use of the word 'beautiful' was disgustingly beautiful - it makes me think of deception, being aware of it, but still falling for it These 2 lines are so good w/o going overboard with metaphors; I think your points are strongest with lines like those.
"she is a honey-grid, sweet and waiting to be filled."
Loved that - it made me think simultaneously of Honeycombs cereal (so fucking tasty) and also, "Well damn, that is one effective metaphor." Its imagery, and "waiting to be filled" is just plain genius.
"so I'm telling their story backwards because
I'd like her to know that promises are meant
to be kept."
Last 3 lines are impossibly perfect; they do just what they say they do.
- - -
Jessica
-
This was beautiful.
That's it.
<3 -
I don't even know what to say.
♥ -
I read it again
I love this so much.
-
This is probably my favourite poem in the history of poetry ever.
No, really, I'm serious. It's so vibrant and full, overflowing actually, with meaning and imagery, with tiny glimpses that suddenly turn to full views then back again.
I promise, it's like I could see the entire thing played out in my mind. It was gorgeous.
If I could put 1,000 clapping guys, I would.
-
black and white rainbows and ruined fairytales.
she hopes that maybe there is someone, somewhere
I like the concept of black and white rainbows.
he draws her four-pointed stars
when she is not with him, and
when she asks why, he says
it is because when she is not
with him, it feels like he is missing
a piece of himself.
I was wondering where you were going to take the concept of four-pointed stars, but I was pleasantly surprised with where you took it, with him saying it's because he wasn't complete without her. And of course you don't allow the reader to stay happy for long because the next two lines remind us that he's just lying. But it's a great idea.
he smiles and takes out his heart and rips it
into pieces that match hers. he says he can love her
because they are the same, now.
When I read this I felt as if my own heart had just been shredded. You always make the reader feel like they are a part of the poem.
and he says that she is
a hole worth falling into.
I like how she feels incomplete, and he takes those insecurities and makes her feel that those things are why he loves her.
Okay, you totally got me with the story being told backwards. That was terriffic and amazing! I loved that!!!
Umm, i think you have one grammar error in this line
I'd like to her to know that promises are meant
to be kept.
I think the word 'to' is in their too many times.
Beautiful poem deary.
"Masquerade
-
I read so very many of your poems, aanika....It's just that I am so moved by what you write, that usually I feel quite unworthy or even unable to put my feelings into words. I honestly rarely have criticisms...although I do like some of your poems better than I do others. This one grabbed me at the finish because of the simple statement you made about your friend..Emma...it made the write very real, sweet, and genuine to me.
"he swore he'd give her a happy ending,
so I'm telling their story backwards because
I'd like to her to know that promises are meant
to be kept."
What a concept...reversing the chronology so that the promise is kept...though not by the one who spoke it.
"he draws her four-pointed stars
when she is not with him, and
when she asks why, he says
it is because when she is not
with him, it feels like he is missing
a piece of himself.
honestly, he just can't draw stars.
but he's a beautiful liar."
Oh man...have I dated this guy, or what? I actually laughed as I read this line. Funny, how love can make the most rediculous of lies seem romantic.
So very wonderful.
-
oh and ps. i like the background
-
wow.. that was long
sorry about that
-
WOW so, I might be a little bias but I think that this is the most beautiful, amazing poem that you've ever written.
just warning you know, this comment might be extremely long.
so the TITLE: WOW, I CANNOT BEGIN TO EXPLAIN HOW MUCH I LOVE IT. definitely going to be my next ap name. it defines me in like 2 beautiful words and i love lovelove it so much.
stanza 1, you know me so well, I feel like i couldn't have worded this more perfectly. and i love the whole idea of four-point stars and five-point stars. that made me so happy, in a sad way :S
'honestly, he just can't draw stars.
but he's a beautiful liar.'
----
ahhhh beautiful! this made me think of my inability to draw stars without the inside lines
she is cold, and she wants to be stable
but the carousel never stops, just keeps
spinning and pushing colours into her eyes
that she doesn't recognize.
---
this = me. especially the cold part, and not gonna lie im kinda dizzy now as well from all this magnificence ehe. i love this btw. this whole section 4. is amaaazing.
'and hers is shredded into pieces that no one
will ever want.'
---
*sigh*
even though that's incredibly sad, it is true, i think, but by reading this it made me happy that you know me so well to be able to write this. bffaeaeeaeaeae
'she is a honey-grid, sweet and waiting to be filled.'
---
awww; you fill me lol
i just wanted to add that i love the way you used the things i told you about myself in this poem. you made it sound beautiful. i love all your imagery and such.. especially the first stanza of each numbered section. its just so descriptive and beautiful.
anyways; i like the whole holes concept as well.
and also when you wrote the guy part:
'that she can be a huge hole
and nothing else
if that's what she wants to be
and he says that she is
a hole worth falling into.
---
that part; it made me think of how cheesy and how much guys lie. i dunno why, thats just wat i thought of. i really like this part its quite cute
whispering beautiful words that break hearts and
fix crooked edges, whispering words that gauge holes
like 'I love you.'
---
i like all those opposites, BREAK hearts & FIX crooked edges, then you figure out that 'i love you' does all of that , and it makes holes and i just loved that. you seem so pessimistic in this piece, like me me likes it a lot.
like your poems, and how they always
have more than one level of meaning.
like breaking mirrors, and how the mirror
shatters, but also whatever you saw in it.'
---
awww this made me feel more confident about my poems btw so thanksss
she wants to hold hands and taste rain.
she wants to grow up to love and make wishes on stars
and be loved.
---
oh how i want all those things so so bad.
he swore he'd give her a happy ending,
so I'm telling their story backwards because
I'd like to her to know that promises are meant
to be kept.
---
FKN AMAZING ENDING.
I LOVE THIS SOOOOOOOOO MUCH, if you didn't already get that lol.
I understand this perfectly this is amazing.
I might be stealing parts of it to stick on my authors page, it is my favourite poem ever ( yes, I'm quite bias) but honestly it's brilliant.
you're brilliant.
beautiful.
amazing.
and i love you so much
THANK YOU
♥♥
-
-
i love you too.
<3
-
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