I told myself.

I told myself it was okay
As the baggy shirt was traded in
For one that formed to my body
Showing every shape I have.

I told myself it was okay
While I watched the car pull in
To the parking lot of the restaurant.
The restaurant dinner was to be eaten at.

I told myself it was okay
When I smelled the greasy food
Before even stepping foot in the door,
Growing stronger as I stepped inside.

I told myself it was okay
As I looked pass the salad bar
And ordered an actual meal,
A meal full of calories.

I told myself it was okay
After every bite I took.
As I felt the food being swallowed
And deposited into my stomach.

I told myself it was okay
When looking at the empty plate
That sat so tauntingly in front of me
As if it was calling me a pig.

I told myself it was okay
The entire ride home,
Feeling the consumed meal be
Transformed into pounds of fat.

I told myself it was okay
As I looked in the mirror and saw
Every flaw that shirt showed,
With the growing stomach it did not hide.

I told myself it was okay
When I ripped off the shirt
And once again traded it in,
But this time for a much baggier one.

I told myself I couldn’t.
I told myself I shouldn’t.
I told myself it was wrong.
But then I told myself..

I told myself it was okay
While the toothbrush tickled my throat,
While the toilet water splashed up onto my face,
And while the calories were forced to come up.

I knew I shouldn’t have.
I knew it was wrong.
And I knew it was not okay.
I know I have to stop.

I told myself to suck it up
As I ate a second dinner.
Swallowing each bite reluctantly
I cannot let this continue.

I told myself it was okay
Tomorrow I'll start brand new
While the water splashes my face once more
My stomach muscles tighten.

I hear her voice.
"Your body couldn't handle it."
I feel the pain.
The loss of what could have been.

I told myself it has to stop
If I ever want to live up to my dreams.
Though I'm not ready for them yet,
I need to break the habit before its too late.

I'm telling myself its okay
As tears run down my face.
And I make a solemn vow to myself
To say goodbye, this time for good.