She is sunrise kisses and guitar-string wishes.
Sometimes she thumbs through old photo albums
just to be sure she actually exists.
She fills her journal with poetry,
because when she tries to speak,
it always comes out as water main breaks
and baby-doll pull-strings.
In her head, it all sounds like Shakespeare.
He is stainless-steel boundaries
and shattered-mug temper tantrums.
He doesn't keep a journal. But if he did,
the pages would be filled with broken-down doors,
drywall fist-holes, and shredded berber carpet.
He hates to apologize, because it always sounds like
hangnail curses and hand-me-down excuses.
He's never even read Romeo and Juliet.
Together, they become fault-line communication
and hornet's-nest conversation.
No matter how much she adds and he subtracts,
they can never quite balance their equation.
She wishes they could go back to the beginning.
He knows he never can.
And the calendar will forever be open to November.
Author notes
TabbyJoy
A contest entry
- doesn't feel the same. by edit my world..
1000 points, ended January 17, 2009, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - .:. Take My Breath Away .:. by DecorusApparatus.
1400 points, ended April 14, 2009, 42 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prose by HereComesTheSun.
950 points, ended May 26, 2009, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 45 of 45
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very NICELY written
well written,,, thanks for Another enjoyable/emotional read, -
Good work!
I do believe this work is deserving of the awards it has recieved.
Enjoyed the read
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This is incredible. I feel really intertwined with this poem.
Finalist.
Thank you for entering this into my contest.
--Katie--
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This is great! Pulled me in by the title, held me with the vivd pictures. No nits, except you are using my granddaugter's name! Enjoy and keep writing. Buff
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It feels like I'm reading a dance...if a dance was something you could read! Knowing both people in this poem, I'd say you nailed the descriptions quite well. I also like the ending...but it's sad. Love you Tabs, keep up the brilliant writes.
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I am not sure that I can put what I want to say into words here. From the background to the end I feel that it is perfect. I love reading this and thank you for sharing this!
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this was wonderful
i enjoyed reading this
great job
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Wow
You did it! The great chasm defined. Beautiful in the painful truth of it. Thank you,
crystallady
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wonderful write... so beautiful
keep it up!
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Absolutly beautiful.....
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I hate this
the she is me, the he is him
and i don't want that ending
thats the one thing i dont want
im sorry, you wrote it well, i justwant to cry now -
Really lovely
Through the tug and pull of it all lovers dance on this stage. -c
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Pretty great stuff!
I prefer the 'He' side.
Nice work- good luck in contest!
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kyaa!!!!!
one of the very best indeed!!!!
love love love this!!!! -
i really like it, it shows how different people can be and how things dont always work out because of it.
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beautiful
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i love this piece, wonderfully done!!!! the one thing i would change would be to get rid of the last line, i feel it takes away from the power of the poem. brilliant write, really!!!!!!
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That struck a chord with me, beautiful.
Alias
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Good, good. Atleast the sales pitch was not deluded.
She--
He--
There is no reason for the damned headers. If the folks are that retarded, and require a diagram, then there is no saving them. It cheapens the soul, it cheapens your poetry.
Was this the poem of all poems? No. It was good, none-the-less.
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This..is amazing. Like actually. Probably one of the best poems i've read in the past few months.
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wow that was deep make me think i like that
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This, is a work of art. Unfortunately, due to the bad poets and critics out there, those words mean very little nowadays to the general public, however, as a poet with such absurd skill about yourself, I am sure you will understand the compliment.
Well done.
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Very interesting:
''Together, they become fault-line communication
and hornet's-nest conversation.
No matter how much she adds and he subtracts,
they can never quite balance their equation.''
This is my favorite part.
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this is beautiful...
descriptive, emotional, and very personal. well penned. I think a lot of people can relate...
"She wishes they could go back to the beginning.
He knows he never can."
love it &hearts
~HH
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excellent.
This is the kind of poem that inspires me to work harder. I would likely have trouble being this emotionally revealing while still preserving the craft that maks it such joy to read. I'll be sure to read more of your work.
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I really loved this!
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You have painted two vivd portraits that allow the reader to gain a lot of insight about the situation. I just don't quite understand the last line, it doesn't seem to contribute to the meaning and the flow of the poem, but maybe it's some detail specific to the situation. In that case, I would suggest hinting at it at some other point throughout the poem. Otherwise, it's a lovely piece of poetry, and I like the allusion to shakespeare.
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It is an allusion to some personal history...plus, I liked how it sounded...kind of unexplained and random
Thanks for reading and giving an honest critique!
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I loved this. Simply that, I love it. This one of the best I've read on AP in a while. I loved your word choices, you pieced them together so perfectly. "No matter how much she adds and he subtracts, they can never quite balance their equation." That line was one of my favorite, but I also loved your description of what would be in the man's journal. Just wonderful.
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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wow
She wishes they could go back to the beginning.
He knows he never can.
those two lines hit me right between the eyes......words so many times i have though within myself.......you captured a million moments for me just in those two lines......good luck in the contest and keep penning......
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Amazing Job!
Wow,
I loved the comparing between the two. And then the merge between the two- it just worked beautifully.
Your first line is the best: "She is sunrise kisses and guitar-string wishes"
I love how it rhymes but doesn't loose any meaning whatsoever.
This is a great poem, and I will most definately check out all your other poems!
Great write,
Mel
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wow, this tells a sad story, one of which many can relate to.
your usage of words is as ever excellent and full of imagery.
together they become fault-line communication
and hornet's- nest conversation,
no mater how much she adds he subtracts
they can never quite balance their equasion.
i love this stanza.
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EXCELLENT !
I really like the free-form un-forced use of your language which, even so, still manages to retain a certain rhythm and rhyme throughout the bones of the piece.
I'm not sure about the closing stanza and it's general summing-up of the narrative -
' Together, they become fault-line communication
and hornet's-nest conversation.
No matter how much she adds and he subtracts,
they can never quite balance their equation'
I think these words are very good in themselves but I think the poem would have taken on a much more interesting life of it's own without the explanation.
Although, still finishing on -
' She wishes they could go back to the beginning.
He knows he never can.'
Anyway, I hope my critique falls into the realms of what you would deem as 'constructive critisisism'
Good luck with your writing
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I LOVE this, it's BRILLIANT.
I totally relate. It's sad and wistful and heartbreaking.
excellent. -
wow, I like it. I liek the connection bakc tpo the beginning of the relationship opposed to the relationship at the end and how the spark and such isn't the same. I can connect nad I really did like this poem.
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The background for this was perfect for the mood. I literally cried for half an hour after reading this. Its so. . . sad. and beautiful. Kind of like the rain. . . Keep it up!
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...Back to the beginning.....
That can never happen....
the storm cloud back round was just perfect for this ....
so sad to go through the motions...
putting up a facade......
but who are you doing it for...
not for you ...
not for him...
he is not what he was..
or who he pretended to be
to keep you...
to fool you..
once inside his angry layer,
he belittles and disregards you...
he dismisses the sweet young lass
that just wanted love..
and returns your dreams broken,
shattered...
making you return to his big lie that captured you.
Anyone thats had a broken heart can hold these words...
anyone that has had their spirit killed will nod in quite despair at your anguish.
There will come a time ..
right before your soul is about to die
that you will save yourself..
there will come a time
when returning to the past
will not quench your lust for life itself ...
It is then you will travel down the road
and never turn back again..
it is then he will realize
that nothing in this life is written in stone....
that taking you for granted
was his single biggest mistake..
and he will patch the walls
and replace the door ....
the door you will walk through ...
to start your new life...
without him.
There will come that time lass...
you may not think
that will ever happen
but believe me...
there will come that time...
So much luv to you
my little gypsy,
Billy.
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Very nice. However, the single "she" and "he" at the beginning of the first two stanzas feels awkward. Maybe if you removed them, or just put in a dash afterwards so that it was clearer that the lines following are elaborating on that simple word?
The imagery is lovely. -
Wow! This, This is amazing! I really really enjoyed this piece! I even made my husband read it! The way you compared your words, simply brilliant. There is not one bad thing I would say about this piece. I friggen LOVE IT!
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I particularly liked your descriptions and comparisons of the two individuals in the piece.
It flows nicely and it is finely put together.
Good job -
INCREDIBLE. This...was amazing...Amazing. Speechless. I hope this wins.
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I really enjoyed reading this. You drew some interesting comparisons and I particularly liked the last line. something about the calendar always being the same month just seems very interesting. and the equation, that's quite good too. the only thing i didn't really like was the repetition of 'she' and 'he'. i like how they're separate at the beginning of the stanzas but i don't think you need them to start the next lines. just my opinion of course. thanks for sharing and best wishes
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Very very good.
I suggest maybe putting the two lines
She wishes they could go back to the beginning.
He knows he never can.
closer together. Maybe just a single empty line in between.
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awesome ive never read romeo and juliet but i had read pride and prejudice i hope to read it though good work and i hope i can talk to you soon
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It's actually very good, especially once you get used to the writing and blank verse style.
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