Take me away to a different place
Where the minute hand moves at a slower pace,
Where the knots that you tied only yesterday
Come undone in the rain on your birthday.
We'll glide through the grass and stumble in the sand
Then the ocean's spray will kiss your hand,
Like in those black and white films from long ago,
I'll only linger if you say so.
Like the blush in your cheeks when you act real shy
Or the golden last note of a lullaby,
I'm the breath in your lungs right before you drown.
I'll be gone in a second,
So take a look around.
There's a ray of sun shining on a glass
That's standing on a desk in an English class
In a public school on the south side of town
In a world of grey and brown.
But the glimmer is lost in the shadowy haze
And the glass has gone untouched for days.
The desk is ringed with broken chairs
In a school where no one cares.
So track the flight of a butterfly,
Look out for a gleam in a friendly eye.
I'll be just within reach 'til the day you die,
Don't blink for a second,
Or I'll pass you by.
Suggestions? Thoughts? Criticism? Feelings? Unrelated stories? I'll take them all.
Comments
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Where the knots that you tied only yesterday
Come undone in the rain on your birthday
day, and day. your rhyme is pretty much flawless except this.
Or the golden last note of a lullaby
i would like it better the last golden, instead of how it is. ( just being nitpicky on how it sounds read aloud)
okay, enough criticism. i like the transition from light and happiness, to the world turning brown and hopless. but its not depressing in my eyes. its more of a letting go. one last criticism, lol, i wish the font was a bit darker your choice i know... i wear glasses, so light font hurts my eyes. overall, its a very solid, dark (in my opinion) write, but it doesnt make me want to stab myself.
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still.she.wait -
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about the font, yeah i noticed. and its hard for me to read it too, its not just you with your glasses. but i just felt like leaving it. i dont really know why.
and about the day and day. ive been trying to think of how to change that. if you have any suggestions i would appreciate them! im definitely not changing the lullaby thing though. because my way implies that the note is golden because it is the last one, which is what i want to say. the other way round would just be saying that all notes in lullabies are golden, but this whole poem is about paying attention to a single beautiful moment that could otherwise go unnoticed.
thanks so much for your comment ^_^ it was probably the most useful one ive gotten in a while. (which is why i wrote such a lengthy response... whew.)
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wow...wonderful usage of words...embodied in hope and faith...
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SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL
this poem flowed so well.i like the line"don't blink for a second or i'll pass you by". life is like that. if you blink too often you miss all the beauty, like butterflies.it is refreshing to see one as young as you are who can see these things. you are gifted. -
This is the second hopeful poem that I've read tonight; but this one touched me in a different way. I don't see anything that I can point out spelling and grammar wise. That was flawless. I just didn't care for the rhyme. It had no rhythm to it.
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I love this...
It just go to show how time really flies.
With a blink of an eye, all that was golden, dies.
Great flow outstandingly written.
Joyce
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wow
That's all I can say. This is one amazing write.
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OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGG
AMAZIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNGGG
THE BEST ONEEEEE !!!!!
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Wow.
This is absolutely stunning, with the flow of the imagery, and the beauty of the simple honesty of the writing... I want to live in this poem for a little while...
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beautiful
I love the title and the poem has beautiful imagery, is very thought provoking. Since you ask for constructive comments, I felt the meter wavered a bit in some of the stanzas but the last one is perfect. The imagery is lovely too. I love the part about the glass on the desk and how the sun strikes it, even though the school is crumbling and forgotten. To be honest, I didn't even realize the poem was rhyming until the very end, I was that caught up in your creation.
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this is beautiful. i usually can't say that that about poetry that refers to so many mundane things, but the way you worded it made them so elegant and meaningful... the rhyming and rhythm were really natural as well. i LOVE it.
oh one question though: who is the speaker?? i feel like there's an entire subtext, but i can't figure out what it is. -
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sorry to disappoint you, but if there was some subtext in my mind when i wrote this, ive completely forgotten it by now ^_^
just a hint for my poetry: most of it doesnt have a deeper meaning. and when it does its really complicated and the poem is probably better off without it.
and by the way. thanks for commenting on so many of my poems.
i definitely have to check out your page. its just that ive been away for christmas break so im just getting around to it now.
peace.
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wow!
beautiful and dreamy! loved this write it's so full of
imagery and great flowing verses and warm loving concepts..
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I forgot to applaud
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Just the kind of poem that people should stop to read and learn to enjoy, take a break from the bustle of daily life.
Very nicely penned! : -
An inspiring title...and a very lovely , thought provoking poem that dragged me on a poignant journey.
I love "the knots that you tied only yesteray come undone in the rain"...and like an aftersigh "on your birthday"
and the loss, anguish and sadness in the two verse about the school
and then the last verse spoken write out to "the one"
This is lovely. I have been crazy enough to have my first contest ....and this is so much better than any of the entries I have so far!
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Wow - I am very impressed with your elegant and eloquent writing. I love the message contained here and you express it with such fraglie strength. Stunning work!
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What an interesting path this poem took me on! The description of the school was very unexpected...and I loved it. It made an otherwise "here we go again" experience original and satisfying.
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I like the descriptions and comparisons you draw, they work very well. The only thing that bothers me about this is that for the last line in the stanzas, some of them you separate into two shorter lines, but this format isn't consistent through the poem. Anyways, thanks for sharing.
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Wow. That was really amazing! The meter seemed to waver slightly in a few places, but it was nothing that took away from the poem. I don't think I can really pin-point just one favorite part of the poem. I think the intro stanza really hooks the reader, and the outro stanza really sums it all up! Very nicely done!!
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'outro'
^_^
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Beautiful. Amazing. I can honestly say that I loved it. Great job!!
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lovely. it's not often that I read rhyming poetry on this site that I think is quite well done. The imagery here is great, and I especially liked the black and white movies bit and the entire part relating to the glass on the desk. That's why you're on my favorites, I guess. Best wishes
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Amazing
This poem was incredible. I wouldn't change one thing on it. Beautiful message, beautiful words, beautiful imagery. You have amazing talent. I'll have to bookmark this. -
so pretty!
i love how this is wistful and warning and bittersweet. -
Nice job! The way you used metaphors but didn't make it really deep was nice, and it was really easy to read (in a good way) that is, it flowed nicely. I really like the rhyme as well. Great job!
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"The desk is ringed with broken chairs
In a school where no one cares."
This is probably one of the most relatable lines/ poems I have EVER heard. This is really good. You've got talent. Keep it up!
♥ Lillie ♥
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"I'll only linger if you say so."
sigh
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