In those inky black nights
Of screaming,
Of clawing at the tiles on the bathroom floor,
Hoping to get some purchase,
But slipping
In the blood from beneath my nails,
I remember,
I asked you why.
When the tears burned out my eyes,
And the words burned out my throat,
I continued to beg an answer,
Even when my face was mashed against a pitted wall,
My wrists bent backwards in contorted agony.
I beseeched you to answer me, to tell me,
To give me some explanation.
The words were semi-yelled, semi-cursed, semi-whispered.
When there was barely a breath left in my body,
And my ribs felt as if they were closing in on themselves,
To puncture my heart and set me free,
I still choked out that question.
And all I ever got
Was a smiling ice blue eye,
The serrated edge of your spider smile,
The laughter that rumbled above me
Like an infernal thunderstorm.
Lying in my bed at night, bruised purple
From over-fond caresses,
I would whisper that word like a prayer
In the silence of my choked throat,
My hands would reach out,
As if to pluck the answer from the pitiless sky.
They remained empty.
Empty.
And in that one brief moment I had
To destroy you,
I could not.
There was no strength left in my hands.
I needed your answer.
I hoped that if I could bash your head off the floor
One might come spilling out into my lap.
It never did.
And in these hard years of recovery,
The question still burns,
Raw and angry, restless within me,
Yearning for completion.
Until I realised that you could not answer me.
That there was nothing you could say that would explain
The cold, hard, maliciousness within your ash black heart.
The frightening white-hot madness that drove you,
Didn't need a reason.
The vicious malevolence that spurred you on
Replied to no one.
And in all those years of your torment,
When the only things that mattered were survival,
Finding an answer,
The closure I so desperately craved...
There was no why.
Author notes
If its a bit too graphic let me know.
Its about a very bad time in my life. A man I knew was extremely abusive. I wont say anything more.
I cant do anything about it now and I couldnt do anything about it then. And ive made my peace with that.
But the unexplained question still eats me from the inside. Some people are just messed up. They're just wrong. They don't need a reason. Sometimes you can't look for answers where there are none. Sometimes things just are, and you have to deal with that too. Eventually.
A contest entry
- Why by charmander13.
700 points, ended December 24, 2008, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I don't think its graphic. I love honestly.
It may never be answered but you are a better person my dear. This almost made me cry because I feel like I have things that are damaged within me. Thanks for sharing this. ♥
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Thank you for sharing this with me (and everyone). No, it's okay- I think the "graphic" aspect is understandable
This is a great piece of work- and it's because it came from deep within you- you've tapped into that dark place where the memories of the past lurk... and kudos to you.
I love this piece- and allow me to share with you a little quote, "If you break my heart, I'll take you apart". Love thyself, be strong! (We girls shall unite against such scum of the earth 'k?
)
Hope you're much better now.
Thank you so much for your entry and all the best to you!
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