i felt water rushing down
my feet -
the cold expanding through
my limbs; scattered,
dragging dreams into a
frame of nightmares.
my muscles ticked under a
bedsheet -
his words coiled on a mattress,
pushing me down
and i felt sickness building
in my mouth
like metal churned into
coarse liquid,
filtering through my tongue
as i searched for hope
inside my pores.
i can't cry when
tears don't evaporate
to be re-used and come down
in showers of grief
from a cluttered ceiling.
the sky becomes a foul
shade of green -
salty and revolting
like empty carcasses dug up
from graves:
they're waiting
behind
my
eyes
and i'm still
afraid
to
blink.
Author notes
Prompt: evaporation
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For a few days, I have been sick to the point that I couldn't get off the bed. Still am, but to a lesser degree. Why I say this is because everything in this poem relates back to it. There were even hours where I couldnt sleep so all I did was stare at the ceiling - not think, not see, not feel. All morning, I felt that if I went to sleep, I won't wake up again.
That's just to explain the poem a bit, I think. Please don't give me pity.
In a list
A contest entry
- pineapple lumps; invite contest! ! ! by notorious.
1209 points, ended December 31, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites by sideways hourglass.
400 points, ended March 22, 35 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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99
I can relate to this completely. I had strep throat and a sinus infection for a week and I thought I was going to either die or kill myself - because existing became work. Sleeping was impossible. Eating was unbearably painful - I'd twith and make weird movements as I chewed (weird, but true, and definitely awful). But yeah, I can relate.
And this poem was stellar.
originality: 10/10
creativity: 10/10
cohesion: 10/10
organization: 10/10
mechanics: 10/10
balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
emotion/personality/edge: 10/10
Impact/Reaction: 9/10
title: 5/5
diction: 5/5
syntax: 5/5
overall opinion: 5/5
Total possible: 100
Actual total: 99
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Your ending is what totally does it for me.
:
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Your imagery was great. I adored the word usage that really made this into a fantastic piece. I can't comment on all the English rules because I'm the wrong Prelude for that. I don't know enough.
But I do know that you are a very talented writer and this pieces is just another fine example. -
I could somewhat relate, I was sick a lot as a little kid. However, your words created a beautiful poetry. It's good that you can write about things you expierenced. Hope your health is well, good job on the write.
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Give YOU pity?
I feel so very sorry for you, (LOL) this is very good... yes... I'm giving you praise! I like it when you give me a hint... the fog clears! WASP.
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haha
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Love your title and your AN and yes, the poem.
So, is this set in the past AND the present tense...? I was a little confused with the tenses here.
The first stanza seems to be in the past tense, what with "i felt water rushing down/my feet", as opposed to "i feel water rush down/my feet".
What do you think about putting it in the present tense?
"his words coiled on a mattress
that pushes me down"
Pushes, or pushed??
"and i felt sickness building
in my mouth
like metal churned into
coarse liquid,
filtering through my tongue
as I search for hope
inside my pores."
You have 'search' in the present tense and the rest seems to be in the past...?
Am I reading this right?
But apart from that, fuck, I loved "and i felt sickness building/in my mouth" - it feels blatant, honest and kind of like eventual fate, especially with the placement of 'and' and 'building'. "as I search for hope/inside my pores" was SO good! It felt like an internal & external search for something.
Also, I noticed that the 'I' in that stanza is capitalized but not anywhere else, making it inconsistent - was that intentional?
"i can't cry when
tears don't evaporate"
What about "i don't cry"? I think that sounds better, maybe...
"the sky becomes a foul
shade of green -
salty and revolting
like empty carcasses dug up
from graves:"
This stanza is RIDICULOUSLY GOOD!!
Disgustingly good, really. I...just think it's perfectly constructed in every which way...your lines feel continuous, your line breaks perfect, and the imagery is fucking fantastical (I know that sounds so generalized, but I really don't know how to say how much I love that stanza). Coolio use of 'salty' and the use of 'foul' felt well, really foul.
How about, every word you used in that stanza felt like the definition of the word you used? When you said 'revolting', it felt revolting. The simile = perfect. Ugh, I just loved the stanza.
"they're waiting
behind
my
eyes
and i'm still
afraid
to
blink."
Those short line breaks are so effective; they practically screamed, "Read me!" to me.
They had the memorability and catchiness of a movie tagline, but with WAY more significance.
Loved that this didn't have a happy ending.
Thanks a shitload for entering thisss!
---
Jessica
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ugh. The past tense and present tense was semi-intentional. The other half being I was so sick I wouldnt have been able to tell anyway.
I cleaned it out a bit, here and there.
and lol, have I ever had a happy ending?
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bookmarked.
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Powerful write. I felt like that at a lot of time in the past. There are so many days when I feel like I should be crying, but for some reason I tend to keep all my emotions inside and it only comes out in my poetry. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
Haley Mary
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Ouch, I was sick like that recently, and I know exactly how it is. I'm not giving pity, however, since you're not asking for it and I don't do well with that anyway.
This is stunning. I love it.
♣ Tegan
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i was going to mention fugazi's point
-"like empty carcasses dug up
from graves:" - was not sure about this one.
-"my muscles ticked under a
bedsheet -" & this.
-your ending two stanzas are very good, caught off guard
-"as I search for hope
inside my pores." - this was brilliant.
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Only thing I can see is in the first stanza;
"dragging dreams into a
frame of nightmares."
I'd change to
"dragging dreams into
frames of nightmares."
Maintains the plural from dreams to nightmares
apart from that its a great piece.
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...I kind of meant frame as a box or a picture. I think the singular also works.
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It works, but with the 'a' it makes this reader think singular which doesn't really gel with the plural before and after .. maybe replace the 'a' with 'the', makes it a more deffinate article.
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You make me speechless every bloody time! I always love it when I see a new poem from you. Best of luckin the contest love.
Take care
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Ughh, I hate that. I have a lot of stomach problems and I'm pretty much just always sick (I think I have some sort of immune deficiency disorder or something..) so I've been there, almost every night. The poem itself though, amazing as usual. I really don't have any critiques.
"the sky turns into a foul
shade of green -
salty and revolting
like empty carcasses dug up
from graves:"
That was fantastic. You blow me away every time (and that's no exaggeration)
Love you dear
Jeanette*~
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tears don't evaporate
i would change don't to won't
cluttered ceiling =
turns into - =/
salty and revolting - what great rhyme
I like.
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