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A Demon In Each Pocket




Where winds of indecision
create a whisper on the water-
he stands at the edge of his world.

But as swift as that reflection appears
he dives into his own mouth
where his senses start to swirl in a vat of froth
and forgotten memories.

Deeper he dives until
daylight yawns.

Morning swathes his soul in summer sheets
and illuminates the entire ocean in streams of sunburst orange
amber-gold, and youth club disco dreams.

But...

Swimming at such high speed
he fails to see the bottom rocket towards him
and hits the glass with a sickening crack.

A tuning fork reverberates-

he floats to the top;

the lights,

go out.




Author notes

POY CONTEST. Inner demons, and drowning in a pint glass.

In a list

A contest entry

h

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 46 of 46

  • savemysoul
    November 8
    Edit | Reply
    i liked this. and i like how it's written. good work. good piece. and good luck.

    -- jordan.


  • Threnoidia
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    I dont see the enlightenment in this, how did he go through a change? its one of the best poems ive ever read , phenominal diction, however, how does it relate to the prompt. hes was some idiot who dived into the water, thinking of memories and hit a "gleass" and then died. except you worded it ten times better. great poem. doesnt fit the prompt, i might give you gold any way just cus i can , haha i love being a judge


  • pixiestix gold member
    June 19

    Edit | Reply
    Love the imagry and metaphor in this write. Your words come to life on the page.

    I still remember the images of a poem you entered in one of my contests for the same reason. I think this one will have a place alongside it.


  • Maili Knephthan gold member
    May 31

    Edit | Reply
    Very ncely written I think this shows a great deal of imagination and though to the poem. Thank you for sharing this write it was well done


  • Denerica
    May 5
    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful, flowing, rhyming write. Blessings.


  • Shady Light
    May 2
    Edit | Reply
    it had a nice rythym and soothing images


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    April 28

    Edit | Reply
    This is an interesting piece. I didn't have the foggiest about where this was going to go and I was pleasantly surprised. Well done. Best to you in the contest

  • thenorthernstar
    April 24

    Edit | Reply
    wow i loved this it was so great!!! Uou really did such a wonderful job you had wonderful imagery. I loved reading it thanks so much for entering


  • Pollyanna
    April 24

    Edit | Reply
    Alex, you already know what this is going to be about.
    Aye, yer could've gone so wrong with 'the anti-fairy tale of a fool's awakening to the reality of self,'
    but it turned out into a process where you make your reader as clued in as sly about living the screaming void inundating your head that's soaking you in reality.

    The Poem is surely heavy in content, even though its language blows breeze in my thoughts with its unravelled nature, whereupon the reader must go over it at least twice if he/she wants to have a blast with a showcase of easy-to-fathom
    obsequy and feuds of two dissimilar self-esteems within one self, yes, as keen as
    that.

    I cannot pose as a voluble loud-lauding minion, but I must say this piece goes just as far as 'brilliant' is concerned.

    Bloody Gryte!

    Keep well,

    'Anna

  • Suzanne Dia
    April 21

    Edit | Reply
    I really shouldn't laugh
    but this is the type of stupid thing that would happen to me

    has happened to me
    and I think survival was rooted in laughter.


  • SpeakLove93
    April 9

    Edit | Reply

    Very Nice!

    I love this write! It has such wonderful imagery within it. I especially love th lines "...illuminates the entire ocean in streams of sunburst orange
    amber-gold, and youth club disco dreams." Nice job and good luck!

  • TheCorrodedBreed
    April 9

    Edit | Reply
    Hiya!
    This is wicked awesome. It is so vivid and emotively powerful.

    Vat of froth and forgotten memories

    That makes my skin tingle. It is so lovely!


  • Cherry Hades
    April 4
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful. I love the way you describe colors.

    _Cheers!


  • dybiw16
    March 30
    Edit | Reply
    Really interesting write, captivating and i loved 'he dives into his own mouth'. Well done.


  • still.she.waits
    March 22
    Edit | Reply
    very interesting. nice take on the prompt.


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    March 16

    Edit | Reply

    sorry

    You already have an " HM " From poem of the yearI f you would like to enter a \nother poem that has not won anything you still have time.
    Will have to remove this one.


  • Emmyb gold member
    March 16

    Edit | Reply
    a cleverly written but sad piece. poor guy! - i really enjoyed reading this in a sorrow filled kinda way.
    well done and thanks for entering such a unique write.


  • Angelo di Luce gold member
    February 27
    Edit | Reply
    Cleverly written indeed, a puzzle til read many times
    Well done


  • Uniquely-Scarred
    January 27

    Edit | Reply
    I LOVE THE THE ENDING TO THIS ALEX ITS FRESH AND RAW I LIKE THE WAY YOU TACKLED THE HARD SUBJECT IN YOUR OWN ORIGINAL WAY


  • angelli803
    January 24
    Edit | Reply

    interesting..

    drowning in a pint glass, a very unique and original description of alcoholism... "But as swift as that reflection appears
    he dives into his own mouth
    where his senses start to swirl in a vat of froth
    and forgotten memories.

    Deeper he dives until
    daylight yawns."
    what wonderful imagery here!
    i liked this very much, thank you for entering!


  • Captain Obvious
    January 21
    Edit | Reply
    very unique.
    i enjoyed it.
    good luck. :]


  • abuyi
    January 18

    Edit | Reply
    i was not able to interpret your poem completely. it is very unique and vivid. i had to read it many times.
    i loved you imagery and the choice of words.

    your last seven lines are very confusing; from nowhere a rocket is shot from the bottom of the ocean to a person metaphorically jumping in his own image lost within its serenity and sanity in water. i like the idea and the image of tuning folk effect it rings a bell in your head.
    in summary to me this poems talks about a suicide.which is again very vivid to its theme.
    the title gave me an impression of an ode or a ballet giving a tale but i was surprised.

    i truly enjoyed reading this. thanks for entering it in my contest and best of luck


  • Stormy Days
    January 15

    Edit | Reply
    I still say the ending is odd it really is an interesting write and captures my mind even tough i have read it before
    ~GOOD LUCK~
    *Dark Poet*


  • Luciferschild
    January 10

    Edit | Reply
    weird but i liked it, the theme was original and it flowed nicely as well, thank you for entering and good luck in my contest


  • Guerrero
    January 8
    Edit | Reply
    wow.... just wow.. that was descriptive and had loads of imagery..good job and good luck

  • Maninblack
    January 5

    Edit | Reply

    I enjoyed this very much

    This piece got me thinking which is good because I'm normally a lazy bastard who says "Right, here I am, entertain me". Love the verse that ends "and youth club disco dreams" Oh for the days of cheap lager and dirty meaningless sex. Thanks for the images.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    December 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    An excellent and thoughtful piece, filled with interesting ideas

    Great stuff

    Jeff


  • Arkbear gold member
    December 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Dang Alex.....you were asked to bring your best for this POY....you have delivered ~

     

    Exceptional imagery and visuals which take me by the hand and make me watch as you fade from life ~

     

    This is one for *The Best Poetry by Floorboards*

     

    I have nothing to crituqe....good ness and Creativity overflow from your inkwell here.....good luck and God bless,

     

    Bear ~


  • aboomer silver member
    December 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Not the most unique theme - but very nicely done on it!! I really like your unusual wording and great images! I found this most enjoyable!

    best wishes in the contest


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    December 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi Alex, and welcome back

    While the theme is not that unique, I did enjoy the read. Your first few stanzas were excellent, but the spark sorta fizzled towards the end. I agree with Islekine when she says that this would be even better without the fillers, but it is a great poem overall. Well done, and good luck!

    Laura

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    December 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there and welcome to the POY I agree with Isk on this I did find it to be a great entry for this contest but as she said also the filler words do hurt the flow of this. Remember no editing once a judge has commented on your poem


  • islekine gold member
    December 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and welcome to POY!

    A really great entry...IMHO...but I am only one judge...
    you have used a few extra "filler" words in places...mostly "and" that could be removed to make it flow even better...again...just MHO! Best wishes in the contest and always!
    Write on.


    Remember: no editing once a judge has commented.


  • Stormy Days
    December 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    i like the theme and the poem flows nicely the ending is a bit odd
    ~GOOD LUCK~
    *Mystal*


  • Inside and out
    December 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have always thought that one tries to fill themselves with a substitute for not being fulfilled in life. This poem is thought provoking. Indeed a poem worth reading. As usual, well done.


  • sheltered
    December 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is way cool dude
    love the wording
    the title
    the overall theme


  • HeavensNewestAngel
    December 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Alex, this is a lovely poem you wrote. Well done and best wishes in the contest my friend!

    Kelly


  • JinSays gold member
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, you dont have to ask me twice to leave a comment. First, I have to say I love love love this title. It's original, and non cliche, which is nice. Second, this poem is just full of honest insight, raw emtion, and again, the metaphor you use has not been played to death. This poem was interesting, kind of funny in a sad way, and really painful at the end.
    Good stuff Alex.
    I wish you the best,
    here's my favorite part:

    But as swift
    as his reflection appears
    he dives into his own mouth
    where his senses start to swirl in a vat of froth
    and forgotten memories.

    Excellent.
    Love,
    Jin


  • T1ger
    December 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Awesome

    "Where his senses start to swirl in a vat of froth
    and forgotten memories."
    What awesome imagery, the whole drowning the memories thing,
    Fantastic
    I feel that the only part that does need some work is the last section

    "Swimming at high speed
    he fails to see the bottom rocket towards him
    and hits the glass with a sickening crack.

    A tuning fork reverberates-

    he floats to the top;

    the lights,

    go out."

    It feels somehow choppy, like a thought not completely composed


  • jules5987
    December 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Great imagery!!!

    I love your use of words in your phrases. 'vat of froth, 'summer sheets, and 'youth club disco dreams' especially hit me.

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    December 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The title has impact. It's hard enough dealing with one demon ( and everyone has one whether they admit it or not) but one in each pocket is a way to make a soul feel even heavier. The reference to "his world" as opposed to the world suggests the sense of isolation, of being the only person inhabiting that planet. Not sure whether the comma is needed after his reflection appears. I liked the phraseology of his senses swirling in a vat of froth, that's some head on the beer and leads to the head feeling something else. I liked daylight dawns but wondered whether you had considered daylight yawns dawn, to add the sense of time taken, if not no worries, am just rambling. Sunburst orange and amber-gold in streams made me think of Screwdriver, you know, the whiskey and orange that if you drink you're screwed to drive ( a car and maybe life) The youth club disco dreams, maybe the character started drinking then and developed a taste, maybe he wonders how the dreams got lost and became beyond reach. Maybe " but as he swims" could be pared down to simply " Swimming at high speed" Liked the bottom rocket towards him, gave that sense of overwhelming suddeness. The ending is left resonating, there is not a conclusion as such but a contusion, the character floored listening to the tune of the same ol' song before the lights go out inside his head and temporally and temporarily he is out of his head.


  • Ryno
    December 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

    You got me - from start to finish I was absolutely enthralled - the metaphors, ideas, ending - brilliant.

    But, the emotion is what killed me.


  • Draig aine gold member
    December 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    hits close to hom

    well done


  • Deceits Tears silver member
    December 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow ! So very powerful and strong, I can relate to this so well, I was married to a drinker, not pleasant
    Your write will touch many
    Be Well


  • Clovis...Curious silver member
    December 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Ah, as I understand it, Alcoholism is a genetic based disease. AA programs are quite excellent and effective , in most cases, at least from what I've heard from recovering alcohlics. A very fine write. For further information, just click on this Google Link:

    http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=RNWO,RNWO:2008-24,RNWO:en&q=alcoholism+%2D+wikipedia

    For information on Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), please click on this Google Link:

    http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&ie=UTF-8&rls=RNWO,RNWO:2008-24,RNWO:en&q=Alcoholics+Anonymous

  • scoff
    December 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Having seen, up close, the destruction addiction can cause

    makes this write all the more powerful.

    I think addiction is an attempt to escape reality, because, let's face it, reality, for some, just plain sucks. I can't blame them for wanting to escape. I want to sometimes as well. but that's not the route I'd choose.

    One thing. There's a grammatical error you might want to clean up in the verse that begins with, "But as he swims at such high speed."

    You don't need both 'as' and 'that' in the construction.

    A very powerful message here.

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