It don't hurt anymore

It don't hurt me anymore or maybe I have just become numb to it.

I have been wanting to tell them, that now the VA has as well diagnosed me with PTSD. Something about it being in the second level of adulthood???? I really lived my life the best I knew how and still continue to do so. They day before I was diagnosed with the PTSD I was fired from my job.

It has been a week and a half and still no light in sight.

I know it is there however, I just can't seem to find the way to get it.

I know that what I am saying here is not much encouraging and I appologize, but damn this. My life has been nothing but down since January and I can't find the way up. I stare into the eyes of my daughter a lot more now and I wonder to myself, why?

Today I went and applied to four more jobs and it seemed as though they could see right through me; knowing that they would not hire me.

I know there are others who have it worse than I do, but when you are alone it always seems worse than what it is. When you are alone, there is no one around.

This computer don't help, it only eases the moment. I have a bottle of vodka on my refrigerator and for the past week I have been staring at it and knowing there is no answer there either.

I have begun to count the cigarettes I smoke in a days time and wonder how I stay breathing?

My muse for writing has not been around in months, when at one time that was all I would do.

It don't hurt me anymore, the pain has dried my eyes and my brain thinks only as it will. My thoughts are not my own anymore, I don't know where they have came from?

I want to leash out and yet I can only reach out. When I try to reach out, is when I leash out.

Who's listening; who's watching or who's carring? It doesn't matter because it don't hurt anymore.

I sit inside these four walls wishing I had a place to go, though even if I did I would have no where to get to.

Which is it that bothers me the most, the things I used to do or the things I wish I could do? I can still do it all so who am I kidding? No one; that's who, because it don't hurt anymore.

If I were there with you I would cry to you, not with you. When you started to cry with me, I would take it that you don't hurt anymore either. For when I hurt I become active and when I become active is when I feel the pain.

I'm getting used to this being alone, it makes me feel as though I have returned home. Where all the name calling and hitting and destruction I would endure just to prove it don't hurt anymore.