A Hillbilly Christmas For Trooper Boogar Ray Texans Tall Tales

Maw was a cooking up a mess of corn,
when all of a sudden there came a call
on the horn.
She wiped her hands and picked it up,
and to her surprise it was Boogar Ray
saying WHATS UP!

Maw let out a holler and paw came
running in,
and she yelled out paw you gotta
gather up our kin.
Boogar Rays coming home this
Christmas it's true,
and we gonna be having a jamboree
rat her son jist for you.

Maw looked about the house looking
drab that year,
and that there woman truly got herself
in gear.
She grabbed up and ax and off to git
herself a tree,
and along came a passel of hound dogs
free as a breeze.

She trapsed about the forest and one
caught her eye,
and when she swung to chop down that
there tree it near crossed her eyes.
Maw had forgotten her spectacles and
that there twernt no tree,
it was a shadow on a rock the tree was
behind her indeed.

Yihaw maw yelled out glad there twernt
nobody along,
and she turned and cut down that there
tree whilst singing a christmas song.
It was one she had gone and made up
but that was ok,
for that there song was about her baby
boy Boogar Ray.

Once she got back to the house paw was
a napping on the porch,
She slapped him upside of the head with
that there tree as she was a going through
the door.
Paw jummped up a yelling and the dogs
commenced to bark,
and Maw yelled out thats enough and
those dogs knew to shut up for Maw
would tare them apart.

She had paw busy making a tree base
out of a pail and some rocks, he sure
got red in the face,
Whispered under his breath theres
gonna be hell to pay.
She put on some tatters and some
greens and started a few pies,
She then gave paw a gun and told
him don't come back without a
turkey that's right!

She knew Boogar Ray was to be there
in an hour or two ,
and she just had to think of some gifts
from her muse.
So she headed out to the corn patch and
found that special ear ,
to make her baby boy a corncob pipe this year .

She took out a pair of paws coveralls and
started them like never before,
And got him out a pair of clean socks ones
without holes for sure.
She looked in the closet for something
new to wear,
and took out one of her old dresses and
gave it a new flair.

She took the kitchen tablecloth and ripped
it here and there,
Added the ruffle to the bottom and some
buttons for flair.
She stitched that there tablecloth right over
the dress she had ,
Then slipped it on and it didn't look too bad .

All of a sudden the dogs commenced to
carry on,
Maw ran out the door yelling Boogar Ray
my baby has come home!
She stopped dead in her tracks when
she got her vision clear,
and it was the dogs dragging paw up
he said maw I shot myself in the rear .

Maw whiped him about the shoulders
with a cup towel she had,
She said Paw you was a shooting at a
turkey no howd you do that?
He said I had to go pee and leaned
the gun against a rock,
and Maw held her head and replied
oh paw smart you were
not .

She halled him into the house and
for the next hour removed the shots,
poured some moonshine on it and put
paw on a trot ,
She said now git yourself out there
and git me that there bird your son 
will be here soon,
and ifn you come back without one,
then gave him that look of doom .

Well Boogar Ray came up in a taxy
right after that,
and Maw was inside cleaning up and
didnt know he was right behind her back.
She turned to head for the kitchen
and he grabbed her with his arms,
and with maw she went into action
for she was so alarmed.

She kicked that man and swung her
arms and commenced to take him down, 
Boogar Ray was a yelling hey maw what
did I do now?
Once she heard his voice she stood
back in surprise,
then once her eyes focussed maw
began to cry .

Oh it was the greatest christmas but
for supper we never did get that bird,
and paw was so afraid of returning with
nothing he was a cowardly turd.
But Boogar Ray and I we took a swig or
two of the shine,
and danced out on the porch till near
midnight .

Maw told Boogar Ray you best go
fetch your paw,
he is still looking for that turkey
I sent him after best give him a call.
Boogar Ray headed out there and
once the dogs got a sniff ,
they barrelled down on Boogar Ray
and plowed him down they did.

Paw came running up and was a yelling
hear now,
and as they moved away paw had his
gun aimed down.
No no Boogar Ray hollard but oops
it twas too late,
Paw had already pulled that there
trigger but his eyesight twernt too great.

That there shot was a near miss and Boogar
Ray sighed in relief ,
He hollared up at his paw and said Paw
its me.
His paw threw that there gun far out
in the brush,
only they heard a loud bang and scared
both of us.

Boogar Ray went out to retreive the
gun before someone got hurt,
And after a bit he yelled out Good
grief paw I believe you killed us a turk.
Right between the eyes you did now
howd you do that?
And paw straightened up and said
I knowd he was there and thats a fact.

It was a great christmas for no one
really got hurt,
and Boogar Ray when he left there wasn't
sure if it were fer better or worse.
He knew with a tear in his eyes this
christmas would be his last,
So he headed out to the crapper
and whispered home at last .