Behind the eyelids of a dark sub-concious mind,
The fantasy world that my own heart has designed.
Where I'm tangled up In you,
Woven into desire,drawn into
my skin like a tattoo
I can feel you breathing down my
neck giving me cold chills,
Touching my skin with your hauting
finger tips for cheap thrills
Your hands wander up my fleece skirt,
Wanting so much more
you give a kiss with so much flame,
Gently shoving me against the door.
Desire burns with every kiss
That is planted on my skin,
I've got to get more close to you,
I don't know where to begin.
Author notes
Thanks Simone Brooklyn For all your help, it was awesome.. 
Thanks Black Chaos Dragon for your great title , it was great...
A contest entry
- Make Me Cry.... by gigglesalot.
500 points, ended December 12, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - big bang prewrites only contest by serenity silvermoon.
900 points, ended January 5, 124 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Thanks Eveyone for Helping out!
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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great job on creating such a warm inviorment with this piece. Good luck n the contest
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Thanks you so much!
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I was thinking Romp in the Night. Lol, I don't know if that's any good, but it was worth a shot. A very good read though! And yeah, the last stanza should rhyme because the rest of the poem does too!
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Nice title. =)
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I liked it as well...
I thought it went perfect with the poem.
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Hah, nice poem. I thought of "Night Magic", but I don't know about that. The last stanza I feel should rhyme, since all the others above do.
Like it. -
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Nice title.
I thought about using it then i saw the one i have and was like it fit better for some reason. lol
Thanks for helping out.
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This is extreemly creative, great first verse in particular, how about calling it simply This Fantasy
how about I want to writhe beneath your skin
To taste your secrets,deep within
To shiver softly in your arms
succoming pleasures secret charms
have a nice day
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Wow i liked what you had there, it was awesome too!
Thanks for your help!
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in the the begining of your poem you have a ryhming thing going on but in the last line you did it way differently. but other then that it is a really good poem you are a really good writer.
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Thanks for your comment and helping out.
I was really stuck at the end as you could tell. That's why i was searching for help. Thanks again.
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Well done
I kind of thought "Dream Desires" for a title... sorry no idea about that last part... Anything I would do would change the last bit there, and well I just don't think that would do. Nice write though. -
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Nice title. And yes it was hard for me to come up with the last bit too.
That's why i went seeking help. lol
THanks for all you help though .
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I would change the last stanza you have, because the rhyme scheme you previously had is a little different than that. You seemed to be going with ABCB, with every other word rhyming, most of the time. It is really good, I would just change that last stanza. Maybe something like,
"Desire burns with every kiss
That is planted on my skin,
I've got to get more close to you,
I don't know where to begin."
Or something along those lines. Also, in the fourth stanza, I would say "Gently shoving me against the hallway door" so that it flows better. And maybe use more descriptive words, so instead of, "You run your hands up my fleece shirt," Maybe something like, "Your hands wander up my fleece skirt." But if you'd want to make it flow better, maybe something like...
"Your hands wander up my fleece skirt,
Wanting so much more
you give a kiss with intense flame,
Gently shoving me against the door."
Or something. The flow wasn't perfect on that, but I'm just trying to give an example.
I don't mean to be sounding like I'm bashing your poem, haha...I just see so much potential, and it is good. As for a title...... I like, "Hallway Romance." Or if you want it more hot... "Hallway Desires." Something like that, I like it a lot.
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I don't want to butcher your poem with my own made up stanza lol I do like what you have so far. Very nice. The perfect ending will come to you.. just give it time.
I would like the title "Daydream".. but I'm pretty simple with my titles.
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Nice title..
I was in a bit of a daydream there. lol
I was in a funk really bad i had changed this poem so many times . I mean like you wouldn't believe..
It went from fantasy , to love, to erotic, to this.. lol
so i am lucky to have gotten this far with it.. i have been stuck in a rut here lately so i went seeking for help.
Thank you for you help!
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