Snip my heart into pieces,
Smash it against the wall,
If I cant have you,
I care less or nothing at all.
Life would be a vile for me,
every breath venom, I would call,
If I cant have you,
Let all my beloved stars fall...
Lord please not him,
The one I gingerly caught out, from the lot.
If I cant have you,
I would ghastly & surely fall.
Life would be a blotch for me,
My anchor would be lost,
If I cant have you,
Let me be perished forever lord.
You are the star of my nights,
You bring rise to my every fall,
If I cant have you,
Let the core of the earth swallow me all...
A contest entry
- If I Can't Have You. by Poetryintheblood.
575 points, ended December 10, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Can u relate to the feelings here?
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I'm shocked none of the people below blowing smoke up your toosh can't be honest with you about your attempts at poetry so I will. I hope you don't consider them friends because they are doing you a serious disservice by not correcting your poor grammar and shotty vernacular. Before one even attempts writing poetry they should know how to spell, form a sentence, and read and write basic english. Because unfortunately you're trying to do wheelies on a bike you just learned how to ride yesterday, and it looks funny.
Let's start with your title "If ...."
those four dots are supposed to be three, it's called an ellipses, not two, not four, but three dots.
Now, your title leaves a lot to be answered, and you don't answer anything. You pretty much just whine throughout the piece, and pine for someone in really trite and cryptic nonsensical ways that hardly garner any empathy from a real audience and or real writers.
First off: what does this mean "Life would be a vile for me,"? Do you mean life would be vile? or life would be a vial of venom, because you're confusing some very simple words and terms here.
What's this "The one I gingerly caught out, from the lot" caught out? that makes no sense. Picked out, yes, caught, yes, but caught out no, got out yes, caught out no.
"If I cant have you, I would ghastly & surely fall."? I would ghastly, makes no sense. It would be ghastly if you fell, yes, but I would ghastly & surely fall? no.
"Let me be perished forever lord." No, let me perish lord, is the proper way to say that.
Poetry, is 90% about showing and all of the images you show are seriously flawed. For instance, you conclude with "Let the core of the earth swallow me all..." The problem with that visual is that the core of the earth is in itself swallowed by the earth and is a center point, making it more like the place you'd arrive at if swallowed not a place that swallows. in other words black holes swallow, ball bearings get swallowed.
If you ever want a real friend that knows how to write and won't just lie to you, ask me, because you could use alot of guidance, and these people below are wasting your time. -
Without a doubt
I recognize in your well crafted poem
a theme that I have written about in
quite a few poems. I am surely an old
romantic.
Artie
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Ah, you're love is very deeply expressed in this poem. Thanks for giving us a little peek into your soul! Write on. B.
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Very good, sometimes, we when we reach a point in our lives we really feel sometimes we may have found the "one" I know I have several times
So I can relate to this. I am fed up, but something says i gotta move on I'm just scared as all...well you know what! Don't wanna be hurt again ever, been there done that!
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Beautiful affirmation of love for the creator
deeply felt
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Thank you for your most heartfelt piece, Josie
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I have read this a couple of times but cannot relate to it. For each love that is lost there is another to be found. easy said but hard to practice. No one person is worth that much sacrifice. I think this an extremely passionate poem, very sad because it pleads for something that may be worthless. As a poem it is a very good write.
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