* GLOSSARY * 1. Baba- Indian word for Father.
2. Aai - Indian word for mother.
3. Balika - young girl.
4. Vadhu -bride
Mother O Mother ,
I want to live with you & Baba forever.
I don't want to leave this alley ,
And go to an unknown place across the valley.
I am just twelve, this is very unjust,
With such an older groom, how will I adjust ?
Daughter O Dear ! I understand this ,
Few years back I was in your shoes my little miss.
You are MY daughter you ll handle this I know,
You are going in a very rich family, don't feel so low .
But I love it here in this small village,
There's so much of love and homage.
Stop crying and don't waste my time,
Go and give your Baba this juice of lime.
You are not listening to what I am saying Mother,
You have already started treating me like a stranger.
No my sweetie ,come ,sit beside me,
Every girl has to go through this once in her life's journey.
Now wipe your tears & don't you fear ,
For your Aai & Baba you ll always be a treasure.
Alright Mother ! I agree to go,
But can Shyam & Sunehri accompany me too ?????
-Ankita Ashesh
Author notes
SCENE : A girl child ( 12years old ) who is about to get married ( child marriage, acc. to old Indian tradition) is talking to her mother, who is busy doing her chores in the kitchen, about her feelings regarding her marriage . She tells her mother that she is not willing to go to some other place leaving her family and village friends. Her mother tries to console her by having a warm discussion on this topic .She also explains her that it is a custom of the society in which they live and they have to abide by it . To this the little girl finally agrees but out of innocence she asks her mother that whether Shyam & Sunehri ( her friends) can go along with her as she is still not able to understand the gravity of the fact that she is getting married and would no longer be called a CHILD !
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A contest entry
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490 points, ended December 20, 2008, 28 entries
Honorable mention
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Comments
1 - 50 of 50
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Touchy
Heartfelt story of tempered childhood, well done :-)
Mou -
if i remeber correctly it is a tv series
balika vadu ..!
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This is a very emotional and descriptive piece. The conversational tone is a good touch, but the rhyme scheme seems to detract from it a bit. Also, it's hard to tell when the speaker is changing -- Perhaps setting it up in a two-voice layout would help?
EX:
I am just twelve, this is very unjust,
With such an older groom, how will I adjust ?
Daughter O Dear ! I understand this ,
Few years back I was in your shoes my little miss. -
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Okay, the indenting didn't work, but that was the idea: indent the second set there so the reader can tell w hen another person is speaking.
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Vividly poignant
I love this one...it tells a story that few in many parts of the world woul dever dream could be a reality, something discussed over everyday things such as home chores. It also gives a gmimpse into the mysteries of women.
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Thanks my dear sister for your thoughtful comment. I am glad you liked this one .
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oh my..
so sweetly innocent coming from the child's perspective, this is a very good write, aside from whatever personal issues i might have with the subject matter..
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Thanks brother , well the subject I can understand is a little controversial ... but it used to happen in old times now its prohibited by law . No more child marriages in India .
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you'er good
you said it would make a good song.thats what i wrote it as.i have plenty no any producers
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aww...thats sad ...wish u get one soon ...goodluck !
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Bravo for speaking out!
Customs that vary country to country - may seem strange and yes are humanly unfair. I myself was a child bride and I understand the loss associated with this write - which goes deeper than words.
The poem is not forced ...the subject is very uncomfortable for most. Romance is one thing ...but to be forced to give the only possession we truly have without choice (forcably) to another ...to in fact lose our self. That is the error.
Even today in our country we have customs and laws that seem so unfair or out dated. Our treatment for salaries, job preferences and color, it was only in this century that women had equal pay rights we still struggle with that one. I'm not excusing any wrongs - just stating every country has it flaws. The good thing is - we are working on awareness and change - well done.G-Ma Cheryl
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Thank you G-Ma for your thoughtful comment . I am glad you thoroughly went through the poem and tried to understand what I wanted to convey through this.
Though we claim to be in modern era and 21st century ... women are still deprived of many rights ... not in all countries but yes in most of the countries ... I wonder when is this gender bias going to get over ....
Thanks again .
Your grand-daughter -
Ankita A.
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very nice write. good job.
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Thank you so much !
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I liked the poem. It was a very well played out scene. However the rhyme was too forced. I was wowed up until the end. You have four poems in the contest so the points will divided. You have earned 20 wow points. Thanks for entering and the best of luck to you. kahy
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Thank you once again for your thoughtful comment however I would like to know what was odd with the end ? May be I could correct it . Please tell me .
Take Care- Ankita A
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Sweet, and poignant and very finely done poem throught out!! (In Euopean society women (girls?) would marry and 14 very commonly well into the 19th century.....
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment !
-Ankita A.
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You left a nice comment on my poem and it spurred me to jump over here to your house. This poem is fantastic filled with imagery and penned with wonderful rhythm. Why don't you write more often?
Love,
Amera♥
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Oh well your poem truly deserved that comment .
Thanks for commenting on mine . Well I do write but then I prefer the archaic manner ( scribbling my thoughts on paper ) and I am too lethargic to type it down again ...
but for now the reason is that my muse has left me and I am not able to think of writing anything ....
Thanks for your comment !
- Ankita A.
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Beautiful...I can feel this.
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beautiful!!! you've really got the things just in place... your words make an impact and this is a very compelling write... loved the last line.
keep writing!
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sorry this is so late
just was reviewing my old contest and waned to thanks you for your entry, I enjoyed iy very much sorry for the late reply
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Thanks for entering.
Good luck.
Brian -
gr888888888888..........well done dear
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Thanks Rahul ... i hope you must have seen the tv series ... its inspired from that .
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This was a great insight into Indian tradition. Not many people realize that it isn't up to the women to chose their husband, and that if it benefits the family, the daughter is given. Excellent write and good luck in my contest.
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment . I am glad you liked it .
Regards- Ankita A
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I liked your original theme. The poem was enjoyable, although some rhymes seemed a bit forced. Besides, it would have been nice if you had added a comment that child marriages do not occur in India anymore and that it is a dead tradition, so that foreigners won't have mistaken ideas But overall, a lovely write. Thanks for sharing.
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Thank you so much for your comment . I would like you to tell me where did my rhymes seemed forced , so that I could make the necessary corrections . I ll be glad if you help me out .
I have mentioned in the author notes that this is according to the old Indian tradition which implies that it occurs no more here . but still if u insist I ll add that note .
Thank you - Ankita A
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Hi, it is so great to hear you are interested in working on the poem to make it better. "Stop crying and don't waste my time,
Go and give your Baba this juice of lime." The second line seems to have been made just to rhyme with time, and feels a bit awkward. I see you have mentioned in your AN that it is an old tradition - it is just my personal opinion that a bit more clarification would be nice, because there are so many myths about India But overall I enjoyed your poem a lot, this was something several girls did face in the past and I admire you for speaking up about it through your art. I will check out more poetry by you.
Hugs,
Sunflower.
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great poem! thanks for the entry =)
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a heart-warming write.
the dialogue here was a unique way of presenting your story of the 12 year old girl. you didn't fail to show emotions through these lines too.
thanks for shining a light on a uncommon topic and blessed new year
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Thanks for your thoughtful comment . I am glad you liked it .
Thanks for your wishes , a BLESSED NEW YEAR to u too !!!
Take Care - Ankita A
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This is different, I can say the glossary certainly helped my ignorant mind to enjoy the write a little more.
Thanks for entering. -
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Thanks for your comment .
Take care - Ankita A
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I love unique poems, about things not always explored. Of course I am from the west, and have never considered such a position. It makes me wonder about the absolute strength(inner) existing in these women. This almost feels like the intro to a novel, you should go deeper into this, it is a story!
Well done.
Good luck!
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Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment . I am glad u read it with such keen interest . Novel .. umm ... wel ... never thought so ... but lets see I ll give it a thought for sure . Thanks once again .
Take Care - Ankita A
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I don't think I can say anything here that hasn't already been said. I love it, it's awesome.
Good luck in your contest(s).
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Thank you so much for the comment . I am glad you liked it .
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A really good poem with a wonderful last line - well done!
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Thank you so much !!! Well tats my fav. line too .....
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Wow. I have never read an poem like this before. It's very intresting! Really amazing write! Goodluck
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Thank you so much for the comment !! I can understand my subject is a little different but I had a strong feeling of writing on a social issue (obviously archaic) , but I am glad you liked it !
TAKE CARE - Ankita A
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I love the conversational feel of this - and it is so touching. The emotional inter-play between mother and daughter at such a pivotal time in the young girl's life.
Nicely done!
best wishes in the contest
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Thank you so much ! I am glad you thoroughly understood what I have written here. The emotional inter-play between them .
Take Care - Ankita A.
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Touching,
It was as though I were experiencing it all myself. Thank you for the note as well, I'm very appreciative to get to understand the situation more.
It was painful to see such an abrupt end to the innocence of a young girl. An end your poetics cushioned.
Thank you,
♥.
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Thank you so much for the comment . I am glad my write made you relate yourself with it .
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Very nice writing, the innocence of the girl is so pure and sweet. she has no Ideal how her life is going to change. wonderful thank you
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Thanks for your comment !!
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