"You're only bi cos you're an attention seeking bitch.
I don't believe you."
Did anyone ask for your opinion anyway? Do you know anything about the identity crisis I went through, how for years I thought there was something wrong with me because I found girls just as attractive, if not more so, than boys? I blamed it on my single-sex primary school, but that didn't make sense, I was in a mixed secondary for years and I still felt the same way.
Do you know anything about my family life? About how every single person I have ever had in my life has disappeared out of it, with the exception of my mother? Do you know that I have a sister who I haven't spoken to in years because we never really did see eye-to-eye? Do you know that I have a brother with so many fucked up problems that I had to get him out of my life, because he was slowly dragging me down with him? Do you know that I hate my father with every pore, atom and electron of my being for the atrocities he caused to my mother and our entire family?
No, you don't, and nor will you ever.
Do you know how that when my grandfather died one year ago on Tuesday that a part of me died with him? A part of me that will be forever lost and never found. Do you know that since he's been gone I feel like I'm floating in a half-existence, and no one can hurt me, because having him leave is the most pain I will ever feel in my life?
No.
Do you know that who am I now is a totally different person to who I was six years ago, when I first joined that school? Do you know that I only joined because of him, because he told me I'd never regret it? He was right, like he was about everything. Do you know that tears are welling in my eyes while I write this, this that has been trapped inside me for days, slowly suffocating me, causing asphyxiation by clogged thoughts and memories that are slowly becoming more and more forgettable, and I can't help that because I can't control the passage of time?
I'mgrowinguptoofastandIdon'tlikeit.
My childhood is somewhere in the deep depths of my memory, but for a reason, not many of the memories are happy. They are tainted with the 2 hours of hell I endured on a Saturday afternoon, when I asked to go to the cinema, so that I saw my father for the court-alloted time, but so that I wouldn't have to speak 2 words to him for the entire length of the movie. They are tainted with Christmases and birthdays when my brother showed up hours late, stayed a half hour and then left or got stoned in the back garden before he came back in. They are tainted with memories of my sister blending into the wallpaper, because, as usual, my brother took centre stage, causing a scene. They are tainted with arguments and inappropriate topics, curses getting thrown back and forth between my brother and sister fighting; them 12 and 10 years older than me.
I still believed in Santa Claus and the tooth fairy.
I sometimes feel like I will never know who the fuck I am. I'm 'Michelle' to some and 'Shelly' to others. I'll always be the same person to certain people, but that's not always good.
I feel like the friends I've had for 6 years take me for granted and don't care about me at all. The people who I have become close to in the past 10 months are the best friends I could have, with the exception of that one, but we won't get into him again.
I can never control my thoughts, and it drives me slowly insane.
My tears got stuck. I think my tear ducts have a dam that was built by the best beavers in the world. My cheeks' phobia of salty-water is safe for another day. But I'm not.
I need the dam to burst, for the salt-water to come flowing out.
My chest is contracting into itself and I haven't been able to hug anyone for days. I'm smoking like a chimney, 5 a day, maybe more. I have to constantly keep busy, so my thoughts don't wander and cause me to sink into a deep depression.
I need a hug; it will start the tears flowing, and eventually, they will stop.
This sadness is self inflicted - I shout and fight when I get upset, and I have a fear of crying.
Author notes
[x] 100% True and Personal
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Well..... this is what happens when you start writing at 3.15am
I had no idea this was all inside me, or rather, I had no idea that it would appear in the form of a rant.
I think reading 'broken.' by mesmerized--x kinda helped me get all this out... haha
In a list
A contest entry
- pretty much ANYTHING goes. by etoile.
825 points, ended January 11, 43 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - round one; [&my weakness is that i care too much♥] by innocence jaded.xx.
1200 points, ended January 18, 48 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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8.5
Well written piece. It was well written and held a lot of personal emotion to it, and I loved that about this piece. Thank you for entering & welcome to the finalists♥ -
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Wow. Thank you.
This broke my heart to write when I wrote it, and I entered it here even though I didn't know or think it was good.
Thank you.
Can't wait for round two XD
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you know i love this.
Do you know that tears are welling in my eyes while I write this, this that has been trapped inside me for days, slowly suffocating me, causing asphyxiation by clogged thoughts and memories that are slowly becoming more and more forgettable, and I can't help that because I can't control the passage of time?
I'mgrowinguptoofastandIdon'tlikeit.
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amazing.
and the stanza about your grandfather is beautiful.
your childhood stanza, adn teh last four stanzas are my favourite.
thanks for entering and goodluck
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This was the most effective write I have ever read. It could have brought me to tears if I wasn't in such a positive mood and in a need to push my thoughts into the back of my mind.
This certainly made me think, and feel life itself. I am so sorry you had to go through all of this and just being here proves that you're a very, very strong person and loyal to yourself before others.
As for the hug I can understand how you need it and the deep feeling that accompanies the need for it.
I wish I can send this hug to you somehow.
You're so strong!
Love&Peace
~Noor
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causing asphyxiation by clogged thoughts and memories << loved they way you worded that, and whether this was ment to be sad, a rant, whatever you still wrote it bloody well and thats the big thing haha
so well done shellly welly
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"I sometimes feel like I will never know who the fuck I am. I'm 'Michelle' to some and 'Shelly' to others. I'll always be the same person to certain people, but that's not always good."
meet Kris and Kristine
I read half of this is the morning before I had to go and the entire day I could only think about how I wanted to get home and read the rest, because everything here seemed so familiar.
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You had me in tears.
*Hug*
Ronin
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You always write so well, poem, rant or whatever. And this is no exception; its sad that you have reason to express such emotion, but you do it very well.
Im sure you already know that I wish you all the happiness in the world, to chase away this rant You deserve nothing less after all.
*gives giant internet hug*
Rob
c (lol)
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wow,
this was written so well and amazingly.
im happy i could inspire something.. that made me believe a bit more in myself.
btw, i started tearing up reading this adn i honestly wish i coudl just give you a big hug right now like you asked.
so happy you got this out of your system, and the ending starting from 'my tears got stuck..' i could really relate to. especially the last line.
anyways feel better and GO TO SLEEP!
<3 -
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Awh I didn't mean for you to tear up
and you should believe LOADS and LOADS in yourself, cos you really are amazing =]
It's good that someone can relate to my poem, but I'd prefer if you could relate to a happy bit, haha
Yeah, I know, I'm going to sleep now.
4.45am hahaha
Thank you for your comments, they mean a lot to me
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