There's beauty in death she said,
in every worn out flower.
When the sun chooses to set,
reincarnation's coming
There's wisdom in every stone,
she said they've seen what's to see.
Matter's a make-believe state,
the stones are waiting to get lifted. (To the clouds)
By the microphone stand she stood,
pulsing with the band in her back,
we were waiting, everyone knew,
there was a soul singer in her.
And when she opened her mouth,
her soul would pour all over the room.
And every tear that she's cried,
would fill the air and rain on our hearts
She said we're hunting freedom,
it's armored and can't be shot.
So she laid down all her guns,
then stood naked on the stage.
And asked us all in anger:
Did you forget who you are?
Did you forget how to love?
How did you, how did you forget. (How to love)
A contest entry
- Songs/Lyrics Options by albinoblacksheep720.
700 points, ended January 24, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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PS. Centering makes me sad.
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The very first thought that came into my head on a first read was "What's with the punctuation?" The way it's done makes me think that there is some reason behind it, some purpose. However, I don't see it. Also, I noticed that you don't use punctuation at some places where I'd think you would need it. Example:
"There's beauty in death she said, / in every worn out flower"
Could be "There's beauty in death[,] she said,
in every worn out flower." Or the things she said could be in quotes as well, to make it even clearer. But the quotes are a personal decision/preference, not a grammatical necessity.
As for where I think you have punctuation but it isn't necessary...
pulsing with the band in her back, / we were waiting, everyone knew, / there was a soul singer in her.
This, grammatically, should be:
pulsing with the band in her back[. or ; ] we were waiting[. or ; depending on what you use in the line above] everyone knew[no comma]
there was a soul singer in her.
Now, one can probably think "well, it's just a couple of commas; who cares?" The reason I mention the punctuation is that in a poem, anything that's out-of-the-ordinary or non-standard either looks like something the reader should pay attention to (because it's some clever poetic device) or a mistake (which makes the reader lose faith in the writing). In either scenario, the result is that the reader is distracted by it and that takes the readers attention away from what really matters - the poem's message.
As for the message, it's quite beautiful, yet I feel it can be strengthened. I'll do a stanza by stanza:
There's beauty in death she said,
in every worn out flower.
When the sun chooses to set,
reincarnation's coming
To be brutally honest, this strophe made me not want to read on. I'm thrown into the poem with no images, no context, no clue who this "she" is and why her hallmark words of wisdom matter to me. It's a nice couple of lines, but they're just bland axioms. Often, these kinds of abstract motivational lines work better as a closing to a poem, after you have made the reader care about the piece.
There's wisdom in every stone,
she said they've seen what's to see.
Matter's a make-believe state,
the stones are waiting to get lifted. (To the clouds)
I do like what you've done with the parentheses - but it's not supported enough to be effective. Same issue as with the above stanza. But also, here, you drop the images of flowers, suns, and reincarnation (and abstraction of beauty) to shift to stones and clouds (and abstract 'wisdom'). The only constant is this unknown "she" but at this point, as a reader, I'm irritable and frustrated that I don't see what's going on or get what's going on. Suspense is all very well, but there's a line to be drawn between not telling just enough to keep the reader hooked, and not telling anything with the reader being hopelessly lost.
By the microphone stand she stood,
pulsing with the band in her back,
we were waiting, everyone knew,
there was a soul singer in her.
There we go, context. I am starting to imagine that all this is set in a sort of club or band-playing place. I do wonder why she "said" all the things in S1 and 2, instead of "sang". I did wonder at what "pulsing" meant. I love the image of a singer pulsing with the music - sort of makes her one with it. However, the third line feels like a filler and gives absolutely nothing to the poem. The intrusion of "we" and "everyone knew" is a red herring.
And when she opened her mouth,
her soul would pour all over the room.
And every tear that she's cried,
would fill the air and rain on our hearts
I'm sorry, but by the time I read about how all the tears she ever cried filling the rain and falling on hearts, I wanted to roll my eyes. It's a nice concept and idea, but the execution is a little absurd and cliche. Perhaps there is another image or way to describe this effect (maybe something to tie in with the stones, flowers, sun, pulsing etc from the first few stanzas?)
She said we're hunting freedom,
it's armored and can't be shot.
So she laid down all her guns,
then stood naked on the stage.
She held guns on stage while she sang and then laid them down and became naked? On stage? Was she wearing the guns for clothes? O.O That's what it sounds like. I suppose you meant it symbolically but it sure doesn't sound like it. (I like the first two lines though).
And asked us all in anger:
Did you forget who you are?
Did you forget how to love?
How did you, how did you forget. (How to love)
A pacifist who wants love and peace and no guns asks something "in anger"? Seems to contradict a tad.
Anyhow, just some thoughts. What I would urge in this poem or in a version of this poem would be for some unity and focus (of images/metaphors) as well as continuity. Also, for imagery, a stronger focus on the senses might make the poem have more of a bang. (On sight, smell, taste, touch, etc).
Good luck with the poem and keep typing,
nocturn
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Wow! Thank you very much. That is some rare critique, something I can actually work on!
I'm eager to write now !!
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Lovely! I really like your wording, emotion and images in this! I especially like,
'There's beauty in death she said,
in every worn out flower.
When the sun chooses to set,
reincarnation's coming'
Nicely done!
best wishes in the contest
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WOW. Vivid.
( Please check and see if you wouldn’t rather say
“and when the sun chose to set” or “when the sun
chooses to set”
)
I especially liked the lines:
“So she laid down all her guns,
then stood naked on the stage.”
I BELIEVE there was a soul singer in her.
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Lovely,
Beautiful lyrical piece, I'm sure the accompaniment would be graceful indeed.
I loved it, there isn't much to say about it. I felt gripped from the opening stanza. The fourth was by far my favourite. Simply, lovely.
♥.
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Hm...
Nice job. It has a nice flow. It was an interesting perspective to write about. I like it. Nice work Good luck -
Outstanding
I really liked the ending- I can just see her standing on the stage opening everyone's eyes. This is a great lyric and I liked all the details you used to bring this to life. The song opens with a beautiful image and I liked all the soul searching. I could find very little fault with this. Simply fantastic!
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