mojo risin, lunacy ed.

you moved into the house
down the street
the summer i was
seventeen

i babysat a girl
who lived across from you
and once we were playing outside
you came over
took her little hands in yours
and told her she was
very beautiful
but you were looking at me

i liked your dark hair
framing a jungle-cat face, all cheekbones
and dark almond eyes
the way you cocked your head to the left like alexander
i asked your name and you told me
"mojo risin"

when her mom got home
you asked me
if i wanted to go on a walk and
get to know each other
we were out all night
myths (i was cassandra because i could see,
you were orpheus because you could dazzle),
poems, quoting blake, locke, huxley
you read me your poetry
it felt like you had taken the words
right from me
and when you kissed me i felt everything
falling into place

after that, we were inseparable

we went on dates
saw endless movies, ate countless meals
made out in the back of
numerous cars
your mouth was the only familiar thing in my life
for a long time

you turned me on
to the garden of conception
it started easy, grass and fungi
but we got brave
and we set it on fire
just to watch it burn

your dark eyes were reflective
as you quoted
"every act of creation is first an act of destruction"
i looked at you so old and
so troubled
and began to stroke your hair
everything felt so good
your lips, salty, felt so right
we made love then
until i convinced myself i was easing
the the blueprints of
worries
in your forehead

we fooled around with everything

i have to remember that
we were just kids
even though sometimes i thought i'd have to suffer
a million years
to get the look in your eyes
but i wanted to
just so i could suffer with you
because i held you late at night
when you shook

and i have to remember
that kids are curious
you especially so, trying to face the snake
head-on
and erase your fear
so i don't blame you when your friends
offered you those pills
even though i asked you not to
when i knew the outcome
"cassandra, chill" you said, smiling
you swallowed them
and i watched as you
collapsed
i was already dialing 911

her voice so calm
your eyes looked so heavy
"state your emergency"
"my boyfriend just OD'd"
"what did he take"
"you're wasting time get down here now"
"ma'am just calm down alright
everything will be fine"
"no it won't" i sobbed "without him
i'm nothing
i love him, you don't understand"

i hung up
and held onto you
your friends had disappeared
i was left like that, sobbing, half-crazy
so much so that you were alright again, you held me back,
you told me
"girl it's okay i'll be fine"
"no you won't. i told you not to. i knew this would happen. i knew it."
"shhh" you kissed my hair "no matter what i'll
always love you"
but that isn't good enough for me
i'm crying harder, gripping your white shirt,
burying my face in your chest
and demanding reassurance
you keep telling me it's fine but when they get there
the machines report
that your heartbeat has
stopped
they ask me to let go
try to pry my hands from you
but i can't stop holding on even though you're gone
i can't
i just can't.