Hours profound, slow and silent,
sprinkling sensual burning hot kisses,
in nights of voluptuous, exploding nights
Where you smile shyly as a fainted virgin.
Sound of tinkling dishevelled bashful laughing
overthrow my lunatic fantasies a in fire fugitive
twilight becomes involved into a fondling silky
when you wish to walk in an emotional labyrinth.
Dressed in dialogue of silence,now, pieces are glued,
hearts bloom feelings in the dreamy gestures of love.
Author notes
Prompt: BASHFUL
Seven words starting from letter "B"
A contest entry
- Pick a word - Write a poem in 10 lines or less (B) by The Fun House.
1050 points, ended December 14, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Hopefully waiting for your precious comments
Comments
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I really like the tone of this piece. I sets the pace nicely for the chosen word. Just some thoughts on form etc:
1) I think that center alignment does not benefit this poem, it would present itself better alighted left (look less choppy at first glance)
2) In the 3rd line you have "nights" twice. I get your meaning but I think a bit more diversity of wording there would make the piece stronger.
3) your punctation is not quite consitanct and for a short piece it is a bit too many words in the descriptives which does not allow the mind to process the thought fully and expand.
4) The closing is well done but the two commas surrounding "now" should be just one way or the other not two. I feel it confuses the emphasis there. I would remove the one before "now" or even remove the word completely because those two lines are powerful and really end the poem brilliantly otherwise.
Overall, I did enjoy and like the piece. It just seems a bit too much packed together for my taste.
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