Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

With Pen

My restless heart is turning and the stars inside are burning
and young syllables keep turning, yearning still to be expressed;
yet still my heart is learning of that language of returning
beauty to the world concerning beauty from the human breast.
My tongue is tied from trying but the fire is undying
and the words within keep crying, flightless birds sick of the nest
- I want to see them flying as the earth we are defying
(often sadly, often sighing) sings to birds laid now at rest.
- like you, just you, and always you - laid evermore at rest.

My pen is now repairing faded flashbacks and is tearing
down the walls between your caring soul and, less deserving, mine
I write, softly declaring the light you've brought by sharing
your wings with me, and bearing burdens with a face benign -
What happiness you've brought me! I fell, and yet you caught me,
and even more, you taught me how to fly in life's gray skies -
For years in a world so motley, I was lost, but still you sought me;
you never once forgot me or the prayer in my eyes.
- for you, just you, and always you - that prayer in my eyes.

Author notes

I wrote this because of insomnia last monday... I couldn't fall asleep, so I began writing a poem in my head. Then, at 1:35 am, I got up and began writing it down in my writer's notebook. I wrote slowly and sleepily and didn't finish 'till 2:35 am... still, it helped me fall asleep at 3. It's not the perfect poem since I wrote it when I was half asleep, but it's okay, I guess.

Yes, I am a rhyming poet, and I do not understand why so many people say they hate rhyme. I think they only hate the cliche, forced, corny kind of rhyme. Rhyme is a difficult thing to do well, but who can hate it when it is done well? But please tell me, and be honest, have I done it well?

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • dwellondreams
    February 25
    Edit | Reply
    This was fantastic. I loved it. So creative and wonderful. Amazing.


  • Midnite-Rae
    February 25

    Edit | Reply
    What a lovely poem. You should happy you couldn't sleep, otherwise you wouldn't have written this poem. I loved this poem. You did an amazing job. Keep up the amazing work and I look forward to reading more of your writing.

  • patrick20traveler
    February 25
    Edit | Reply
    You have done very well with a charming rhyme scheme and near perfect flow. The structure you have chosen for this poem is rather sophisticated and might be difficult for the casual reader. But, in any case, I consider myself lucky that you suffered from insomnia that night. Great write!

  • piccola silver member
    February 14

    Edit | Reply
    My only suggestion (and I am a strong advocate or rhyme)
    is this:
    My restless heart is turning,
    the stars inside are burning
    young syllables keep turning,
    yearning still to be expressed;

    yet still my heart is learning
    that language of returning
    beauty to the world concerning
    beauty from the human breast.

    good line division is often the key to great rhyme and flow.
    Also the word beauty used twice so close is a bit awkward...
    there must be a synonym. perhaps ... love from the human breast. ? I can almost sing it to the music from Wizard of Oz ...If I only had a brain


  • Mekhala
    January 19

    Edit | Reply
    Very beautifully written...you stuck to the topic and gave me an extremely beautiful read...I really apreciate it. Your flair for poetry is very clear from this peice...Thanks a lot for the entry!!! Good Luck for the contest!!!
    Regards,
    Mekhala


  • januaryrain gold member
    January 3

    Edit | Reply
    Yes you have done it very well, I really love it. I think this is an excellent poem and I agree with KayJay reminiscent in meter of Poe.
    Thank you so much for entering my contest.
    Well done.


  • mickey94
    December 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you are right, i actually liked this rhyming, it all makes you think

    well penned
    -micaela


  • KayJay
    December 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Reminiscent in meter of Poe... loved the way you rhyme (Yeah I'm afflicted that way myself just wish I had your talent) A beautiful message and a wonderful rhyme scheme... Pure Gold in my eyes...
    Ken

1 - 8 of 8