It's over and I feel nothing.
You could say or suspect anything about me...
You're a meaningless statistic,
and I don't know how exactly I came to this position.
I can listen to the lamest most emotionally empty music and cry,
I can watch a slightly sad TV show and sit glassy eyed for hours,
but when you tell me you loved me and I let you down,
I mark it down to the rationalization,
the fact that,
when you lay your expectations on others,
you're preparing yourself for disappointment.
I'm comfortable inside of that reason.
You ask me, "How could you?"
I just say "I didn't do anything differently...
from living my life and making changes on my own terms."
but you ask, why didn't I change for you?
Even though I still shake my head I must honestly admit; I loved you,
It's only because you expected me to open my brains up for you to manipulate and eletrocute,
that I ultimately denied you.
Even though, and especially because you loved me too.
You could correct some of the symptoms but they were a part of my becoming....
it had to be done and I'm glad I stuck to my guns.
I never submitted to your conditioning.
I know you were trying to fix me.
Utterly ignorant but knowing somehow and accepting my fate,
I am better now.
You would only have postponed the suffering and enlightenment.
I have regrets over promises made under duress...
because I have character...
but intellectually I dismiss them.
Hey beautiful,
I am better now.
And I love you and appreciate all your efforts.
My consolation is that I will always carry that love for you.
selfish as it sounds...
you have a whole fantasy space in my heart.
Sparse units no one would pay for...
A contest entry
- Hello. We NEED Each Other. (Invites) by Chainsaw.
1200 points, ended January 9, 2009, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Sociophilosophy
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I can't stop reading this. Your works often come across as monologues of self analysis. I can tell that you're a very introspective being, and a very intelligent one.
Your use of elipses in this piece was a little over the top, which I didn't think I liked at first, but after reading it a few times, I decided that it's fitting. Such a grueling emotional battle justifies a little melodrama
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I really liked that it reflected positive emotional growth, and wasn't just a stream of self pity, like break-up pieces so often are.
Thanks for entering, I appreciate it
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Okay...I decided to do a one scan edit.
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That looks great! You've really tidied the punctuation up. I'm impressed.
If you want it to be immaculate and really pedantic:
"I just say "I didn't do anything differently...
from living my life and making changes on my own terms."
but you ask, why didn't I change for you?"
You don't need the full stop at the end of the second line there (the speach marks indicate that the sentence has ended, no further punctuation is required). The third line should begin with a capital if you mean for it to be a new sentence, or there should be a comma at the end of the second line after the speach marks if you want it to carry on from that sentence.
"Even though I still shake my head I must honestly admit; I loved you,
It's only because you expected me to open my brains up for you to manipulate and eletrocute,
that I ultimately denied you."
Either the first line should end in a full stop instead of a comma, or the second line should begin with a lower case "i".
It's looking really good though.
I love you and appreciate all your efforts
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Thanks for the suggestions. why didn't I change for you is a reflection of speech and not a quote, I don't thing it should have quotation marks. I agree with the capatilazion of 'but,' will revisit at a more sane hour. Take care.
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Thanks for complimenting and critiquing as well. I think the whole elipsed area needs to be tidied up. If you're going to use fancy pants punctuation, you should do it all the way...
I missed some quotation marks and such afterwards...I should be incredibly ashamed...but am instead only mildly disappointed, and a little depressed that I'm probably not going to fix the issue immediately. Because I'm lazy too.
Hope the contest goes well. I've created a few, but I've never ended one thinking, "That was awesome, I got what I wanted."
I think they're always worthwhile though and add value to the site.
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Wayne
Your poem flows like a waterfall into a pond of freezing water. You have no fear, you jump into the water and feel the love.
Happy holiday,
Maria -
It is so cute, Poet ...
to know you too have a heart.
Of course you do. And, meaningless as words may seemed to be, they are not only words, you know? They never can only be words. For they carry emotions, feelings. They cry to be heard. And yes, I hear you. Nothing can change the way I hear you. It is a constant.
Now about this poem: a realtime poem yes. Nothing romantic about this, but a cool clinical love poem. It says in rational terms: I do not want to be plastic or chrome ... I want to shed tears and giggle now and then -- a real life snapshot of now. Do not change me. Allow me to be vulnerable and ... loving you.
Ah Poet. She should be grateful, right?
Myra
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Well I have to say the last line baffled me, but I was into the piece as a whole. Your honesty kept me engaged through the whole thing. The ebb and flow of a brake up is woven throughout the poem in a way I could relate to.
Enjoyed this...
"Hey beautiful,
I am better now.
And I love you and appreciate all your efforts.
My consolation is that I will always carry that love for you.
selfish as it sounds...
you have a whole fantasy space in my heart."
Nice work,
creatress
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this is the kind of love poem that I hope to exist in some day. (I know, not much for brainpicking, and I can't even disagree or expound)
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