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Ode to Safie

Even the blind can see her walking in
rhythm with the angels, cruising through my
Paradise, which I had lost due to sin,
but is now regained thanks to her supply
of endless grace and beauty. A soft grin
marks my face when she comes near, and green rye
fields are all my love-stricken mind can think
of when I see her velvet lips of pink.

Even the deaf can hear her divine voice,
like that of sweet muses who inspire
poets finer than myself, to rejoice
their sorrows and write words which admire
the endowments of life. She leaves no choice
for those who meet her, but to let fire
melt the ice cubes of their hearts, and transform
them into liquids of love for her form.

Even I, who was a man of ladies'
from my day of birth, cannot help but fall
victim to the ray of light that Safie's
doe-eyes release when our sights meet. I call
upon you, kind Creator of Hades
and Heaven; Please, bring down the iron wall
stopping me from attaining my adored
nymph, and my soul you shall have as reward.

Author notes

OPT 1 - This is a poem I wrote about a girl I'm MADLY in love with (But she doesn't know that yet). I did my best to capture her essence in my poem, but nothing beats seeing her beauty with your own eyes. Oh well, I hope you enjoy this.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Fallen-Phases
    December 13, 2008

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    WOW! i see nothing to revise in this poem!
    its touching, sensitive and very descriptive, i adored the second stanza, it had a very unique feel to it for soem reason, tres bien


  • ChunkyC
    December 13, 2008

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    wow... I must say, I love the image captured in this poem. And I must give you HUGE props for writing it in iambic pentameter and as a shakespearean sonnet. Very hard, and very talented. I'm astound and in awe. Great job. Welcome to the finalist.


    • jamesbliss
      December 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for the comment, my friend. Glad you liked it!


  • Maylette
    December 9, 2008

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    I like the subtle rhyming of this poem the only thing that I would change is that the first letter of every line being capitalised, they aren't the start of sentences and it disrupts the flow - just a suggestion though the content of this poem is beautifully written - with words like these you almost made me fall in love with her too!

    ♦ M

    • jamesbliss
      December 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hey, thanks for the comment. I agree with you about the capitalization of every line. I tried reading it both ways, and you're right: It flows better w/o the capitalization. Thanks!


  • ASmileForYou
    December 9, 2008

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    I adored this poem! The blind men can see, and the deaf can hear. Truly inspiring and beautiful. She must be quite the girl! Good luck!
    Thank you for entering, I love this one!


    • jamesbliss
      December 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      You're welcome, and thank you for the lovely comment!

1 - 7 of 7