We breathe monotony:
haphazard and restrictive
like the conscience
of a serial killer
but your tongue rolls backwards;
anti-clockwise,
trying to turn time
and attempt to erase statements
that were carved into our skulls.
Loss is not reduced in percentages
or fractions or recurrent decimals -
but in schemes built to fail
and when illusions catch up with reality,
we wouldn't need death
to mourn.
Author notes
Prompt::
"and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular"
- mary oliver, when death comes
--
This was kind of rushed. I apologise.
A contest entry
- death is but a fine breath by adsaige.
700 points, ended December 25, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Now you tell me:
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
I thought I commented this too! Gawl I suck.
I loved how you described the mind of a serial killer as restrictive, when most people would view it as the opposite. But I side with you.
I liked the math references too (you nerd 
) And fuck, that ending again! So amazing. I think this deserves more than a poo-cup 
Jeanette*~
-
-
flatterer.
-
-
you know it
-
-
-
Very profound,
Excellent write
A well deserved win, congrats on the trophy. -
very deep, but well written
-
A strong write
Great imagery
Well penned -
That second stanza and the end-- wow! The whole thing feels a bit abstract, but not in the bad ,"what the hell do you mean?" way. Good stuff. When my brain isn't so fried from exams, I'm going to read more of your stuff and leave comments that aren't so lame.
-malvolio -
-
lol, thanks
-
-
This is really grand, and I love the ending.
Excellent.
You're extremely talented.
-
Love that ending. Your poetry is just incredible these days. Best of luck in the contest.
Take care
-
"Loss is not reduced in percentages
or fractions or recurrent decimals -
but in schemes built to fail"
this makes me think of how groups of people try to do better, and they only result in more tragedy. Sure, standing idol doesn't aid anything, but action usually causes more trauma than being stagnant.
Anyway, I think the poem is amazing. I hate people being shot down because of their expectations of others. Worst kind of hurt; not sure if that's what the piece is about, but that's what I get out of it.
Amazing metaphors, and the serial killer line is fabulous. Very poignant with few lines, an almost impossible feat.
-
"Loss is not reduced in percentages
or fractions or recurrent decimals -
but in schemes built to fail"
this makes me think of how groups of people try to do better, and they only result in more tragedy. Sure, standing idol doesn't aid anything, but action usually causes more trauma than being stagnant.
Anyway, I think the poem is amazing. I hate people being shot down because of their expectations of others. Worst kind of hurt; not sure if that's what the piece is about, but that's what I get out of it.
Amazing metaphors, and the serial killer line is fabulous. Very poignant with few lines, an almost impossible feat.
-
love the ending, but not sure about "serial killer" simile.
-
-
lol, everyone has contrasting opinions on that.
-
-
Daft thing is its probably something I would have used IF i'd thought of it ... maybe I'm not sure about it because i'm jealous I didn't think of it
-
-
hahaha
-
-
-
-
breathe - you use that almost as much as I use bones.
haphazard is a cool word
serial killer...hmm
I really like the tongue part.
And the loss part even though it feels a littlt wordy.
Good ending. And the title is especially good
-
-
lovelovelove the word
because i cant quite do it myself.
-
-
'haphazzard'==>haphazard
"like the conscience
of a serial killer"
What a compellingly and fucking amazing simile. It makes me think, "No conscience whatsoever!"
Ugh.
This is goodgoodgood.
---
Jessica
-
-
I'd probably fail in a spelling test
-
-
i didn't like the opening stanza, but i appreciated this more as it progressed and picked up steam, good ending lines too.
-
-
was telling colin, everyone has contrasting opinions on that.
-
-
haha i noticed
-
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
