Santa Had Redneck Kinfolks

Santa went to the north pole,
many many moons ago.
Weren't sure who all his kinfolks were,
but the day he found out Santa was disturbed.

He heard a clatter outside his door,
a pastle of hoop-in and hollering for sure.
Santa got up to take a peek ,
and he couldn't believe what his eyes did see.

There was this here dude

dressed all in cover alls,
and he was a spit-tin off to the side

and hollering at some dogs.
Looked in the back of his wagon

and there she be,
one of the longest

and most pitiful Christmas tree .

I watch a little longer

just to see what was up,
and as they drug that there tree off

the trailer that wasn't enough.
Those hound dogs commenced to take a whiz,

right on that there Christmas tree , they did!

I heard a loud knock on my door,
and I yelled out I don't believe

I want any that's for sure.
Then to my surprise someone yelled out ,
Yihaw Santa you ain't get-tin rid of us now.

I was sweating bullets

when I opened that door,
and in came these back country guys

lookin mighty poor.
Don't you member us I am Josh

and this is Booger Ray,
and we decided to get up to see you

on this here fine day.

Santa showed them hospitality

and asked them come on in,
and in came those dogs

I swear one was wearing a grin.
Before I could say ho ho ho,
one of those dogs went and left

a deposit on the floor .

I was very tolerant but enough is enough,
I reached back behind my sofa

and pulled out my jug.
The boys went wild

and I gave them all a slurp,
and after a minute or two

those boys began to jerk.

You see that there moonshine

was home grown,
got it off my papy back home.
Wasn't meant for the mortals of today,
for Santa's hooch sure could put

you in your place.

Well those boys passed out

and Santa hauled them to the barn,
he threw in a couple of bones

for the hounds to hush their alarm.
As Santa was headed back in the cabin

there was a whimpering sound,
that's when he found Aunt Gerilda

flat out on the ground.

For heavens sakes what will come next ,
I picked her up and threw her over my back.
As I opened the garage doors

the dogs couldn't see,
and in a flash and a few barks

they was all over me.

Whew what an evening

and I made up my mind ,
I loaded the whole family on the sled

and headed out that night .
I took um all back out to the mountain's

and left my jug,
and the three of them looked

as snug as a bug in a rug .

When I got back to the cabin

low and behold,
those darn mules had kicked down my door

and was in my home.
I screamed and hollard and put up quite a fuss,
before clearing them out but lucky I was.

For if it weren't for that scrawny tree,
those mules would have whooped me.
I held that there tree between me and them,
and walked them right out of there

whilst they chewed on the limbs.

On earth they think they have problems

but you listen here,
when those relatives start pouring in

you get it in gear.
Let them have the place

and go rent yourself  a room,
and enjoy the peace and quiet

and be able to take a snooze.