Dearest 'Anne'

Dearest Anne,

  I wanted to tell you that I have been in a bit of  a funk. Being, as you know, dealing with this shit everyday. Mom has been acting crazier and crazier by the moment. She screams and hollors at me for no reason. Despite that I am the nicest to her that I can be. Sometimes I yell back though. I have been overdosing, and it really concerns my dad and brother. Last night i took six or seven xanax's and felt amazing, but very tired and groggy and apathetic. I don't want to go back to before, I don't want to start self-harming or holding my breath so that I can pretend I will die, just like that. I have, though, wanted more than anything a lover....that was until this man who was 21 or 22 tried to contact me, saying all over aol that he loved me and wanted to marry me and have kids, and then just flat out ignored me.
He said he was in a 'funk' but I know he's gotta be on drugs or something. It's not easy being a schizophrenic, when mom wont respect it and dad says suicide is selfish and hurts everyone around me. I am feeling sort of depressed this morning, I think it was the xanax I took last night, or maybe just people in general. I want to inspire people, not confuse them or hurt them- but it seems that I do. I was not contemplating suicide, just thinking...I dont care...and it is a good feeling, but i wonder- should I care? About the things I used to care about. Maybe god exists, maybe god is testing me, maybe he just doesn't know how to respond. Either way, Anne, I wish you well. What you are going through sounds horrible. But you have to understand, that people are people, and no matter what keep struggling to survive and keep fighting for it. There is music within the soul, just waiting for the right moment to sing. Anne, when you do get out on your own and independent, know it will be hard but the most amazing feeeling in the world. I have been alone before, too, and it's tough.
I know maybe this was too personal, but it's how I've been feeling Anne. I wish I could say more to you, to cheer you up, to make sense of all the things you go through...but sense has been slipping from me and with this mental illness, all I can do is try and find that shred of hope. You know- God is listening, and the angels will protect you. God bless. May you have a wonderful life. And don't forget, to keep writing.


PS. I believe in the power of the poet's voice.


Many hopeful wishes,

Your friend

  Jane